Sisterhood

Apparently, I got nominated for an award. Because that happens literally every time I leave for a while. So thank you to Ann of Ann St. Vincent fame for nominating me for The Sisterhood of the World Award. I love being a part of a (good) family, and though I have a lot of sisters, five of them actually, but I can always use more since I am only currently speaking to one of them.

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I guess I have to answer some questions and some of them are about sex. Sorry to everyone that knows me in real life…

 

  1. What is your favorite sexual position?

 

I am not trying to cop out here. But this completely depends on my partner’s size and shape. And I don’t just mean their penis (though it is mostly their penis size). A chubby person will be better with certain positions that a thin person. Anybody that has had a painful bony pelvis grinding into theirs or had their cervix repeatedly stabbed by a huge dick knows what I am saying.

 

  1. If you and your 10 year old self met and had a talk what would she say to you?

 

I think she’d be proud of me for making a safe space for myself and finding the strength to deal with everything I have been through and coming out happy on the other side. Also, she’d probably super impressed with my actually cute glasses, semi flattering hair, and huge boobs. None of which I ever thought I would manage to achieve. Go me!

 

  1. What is the first bit of writing you did outside of school/homework?

 

I always had diaries and notebooks full of secret stories and ideas from a very young age. My siblings and I also used to make all kinds of mean little illustrated books about each other. I am trying to find one for a blog post.

 

  1. What is your favorite song now?

 

This is too hard. Like trying to pick a favorite food. And it depends on my mood. I like Bruises by Chairlift. Band of Horses reminds me so much of going to Mt Rainier with my sister that I can barely listen to them because it makes me so melancholy, but I do all the time anyway. I love Wicked Way by Ben Taylor. Sight of the Sun by Fun. I have a lot of favorites. I also recently found two great things to masturbate to if you need some lady jams. Any Spanish guitar music and Jessica by The Allman Brothers.

 

  1. If you could tell the world just one thing what would it be?

 

One thing is a lot of pressure. But I guess this: nobody is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. And if they are then they can fuck right off and get the hell out of your life. Seriously.

 

  1. Which period of history had the best clothing?

 

I still have my fingers crossed for the future. I’m thinking like, light up high top jet shoes, silver jumpsuits, goggles. Maybe men and women wearing each others clothes more often and without any ridicule or judgement.  But if you are making me go with the past then I choose a time when we all went naked. That was probably pretty cool.

 

  1. What makes you suddenly and disproportionately cross?

 

I mostly get cross about things worth getting cross over. But it really bothers me when people don’t mix their beverage with their food properly. I try to keep it to myself and do a pretty good job of not freaking out on someone. But I hate in old movies when people are eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner with milk. Or my dad’s girlfriend one time ordered a tuna sandwich with a coffee. That shit does NOT go together!!

 

  1. How good are you at keeping secrets?

 

Pretty good? I am really bad at knowing what is supposed to be a secret, though. You people need to tell me when things are secrets.

 

  1. Do you have a pet?

 

No. I tried to adopt a cat. It was a long haired Maine Coon and I loved her. But I guess I am allergic and I had to give her to my brother. Now I just go and stare at the animals in PetSmart like some sort of lonely, affection starved freak.

 

  1. If you could invent anything what would it be?

 

Hmmm. I really want to invent something cool. But I would invent an empathy machine. Though I think Douglas Adams had one in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. But damn, that needs to exist. Does that even count since I just realized it wasn’t my idea? Oh well. How about my light up high top jet shoes mentioned above?

 

And now I’m supposed to nominate some people which I just hate doing so much. It’s so much pressure. Here’s who I nominate. Feel free to not participate.

 

I nominated people that I wish I had as sisters but will happily have as friends.

 

  1. Debbie from MoreThanSweetPotatoes
  2. Leah from TransplantedtotheSouth
  3. Aussa from Hacker.Hooker.Ninja.Spy.
  4. Jana from StopMeIfIToldYouThis
  5. Sharn from Spankalicious
  6. Samara from ABuickintheLandofLexus
  7. Gunmetal Geisha

And thanks again to Ann who I would have totally nominated had she not nominated me.

Hello World

I am back! And possibly, but likely not, better than ever. I finished my book a whole day early (a Herculean effort considering my past month). And now I am going to bore you with the details! You’re all so very lucky.

 

I chose March because I think November is a bad month what with all the vacations and family oriented holidays to distract me. Well, just the one holiday, I guess. And I don’t even spend it with my family. But you guys know what I mean.

 

It turns out March was a horrible month to pick. The world seemed against me writing this novel. The VERY first fucking day of March, my father decided he HAD to bring me a book shelf I had bought from an estate sale 3 months previously. Go figure. I’d only asked him to bring it to me a dozen times.

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Yes, that is a giant Bette Davis oil painting I rescued from being thrown in the trash. And the bookshelf.

 

The following weekend was his birthday, and despite my efforts to get out of it, I got guilted into going. And I am glad I did. Because I found out his age, which is 69. The most hilarious age. And his 70+ year old girlfriend made some incest jokes to her grandchildren. Plus I got to hang out with her daughter, S, who I simply adore. She has a great name that I cannot share. But let’s just say it would be like naming someone something like Windy Meadow.

 

Then my boss went on vacation and left me in charge despite me begging him not to. My job got so frustrating while he was away I got the closest I have ever been to quitting a job without actually quitting. And I am pretty big on quitting. Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

At some point I fell more than 10,000 words behind. It’s hard to come back from that. But I did. And with a day to spare. Want to know my secret? Manic obsessive writing for hours at a time. Overly descriptive language. And no contractions.

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Yes, V, I DID take a pic of my computer screen with my phone and then emailed it to myself. I knew you’d appreciate that.

 

In complete desperation, I found a third movie I could watch while writing. The original Star Wars series. I have to admit, I need a break from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings after 31 days. I also attempted many many other films but most of them were not a good fit for my writing.

 

Maybe some of you are wondering how my novel turned out. Well, not great. But decent. I actually immediately deleted the last one I wrote for NaNoWriMo because I knew it wasn’t salvageable. But this one is going to be worth editing and fixing.

 

I had the idea for the plot in a dream. The dream was actually some weird thing about Pangea. But when I woke up I knew, in the way you do with dreams, that it had actually been about revenge and deicide.

 

I went through stages with the novel. I loved the plot. But after about two weeks I started to hate it. Then I started hating it less. Then I thought it might actually be decent. Then I apparently really missed being “funny” (like I clearly am on this blog)  and threw in some comedy that may or may not make the final cut. And now I think, it has good bones and is an interesting story. So there you go.

 

Also, I crafted very, very little during the past 31 days. Like, the least I ever have in my entire life. I finished the novel  late Monday evening and immediately grabbed up my crochet hook like a junkie missing a fix. I finished crocheting  a rug yesterday. I missed crafting.

 

And I am so glad to be back. I had plenty of other fun experiences to tell you guys about during the last month and I am going to Arizona on vacation next week. But most importantly, I realized how much my little WordPress community means to me. You guys are awesome. Thanks for being there for me.

 

I Lied.

I am a total liar. I know. I guess we all knew. But I really am going on hiatus after this.

 

Something really important happened that needed to be blogged about immediately. My very good friend, Eve just published a book!! And you should buy her book; here. She invokes my mighty name in her book too if that sweetens the deal for any of you.

You know you want to read this.

I’ve read this book three times now. She’s a brilliant writer. And I’m not just saying that because I know and like her. I tend to read everything an author has written once I find someone I like.

 

And I intend to read everything she has written; even if I have to break into her house and steal her laptop…  Hopefully she will continue to give in to my peer pressure to keep publishing more of her work. The world needs more talented authors like her.

 

Maybe you weren’t planning on buying any books this year. Or some of you might say, but I only buy books from so and so (Stephen King is my number one). But let me tell you why you are wrong.

 

If you don’t buy any books then you are just wrong and how dare you. And if you buy a book from some famous author that already has money and an established fan base then you are just adding to that person’s unhealthy addiction. Sorry, Stephen King.

 

But, if you buy a book from Eve, then you are supporting a brilliant writer. And adding to her unhealthy addictions. She could become a wino with your help. And then take me out to drink wine.

 

And me drinking wine really only adds to the stupid/hilarious fodder of this blog. You’re really only helping yourselves here. Also: I have not been drunk for a single one of these stories thus far. Let that sink in and then imagine how much stupider I am drunk.
That’s right. You could be contributing to that. So do it! Here.

Hiatus

Alright everyone. I am going to be doing my own little NaNoWriMo next month. Yes I know it’s officially in November, but if I followed silly things like rules I wouldn’t be the success I am now.

But NaNoWriMo means I’ll be taking a break from my blogs, and my friends, and even my crafting (that’s how you know I am so serious about it).

I promise I will be back in April. I have lots of stories left to tell. And more upcoming adventures where I am sure I will manage to maim myself or others (or both!).

 

So this is my last blog post until next month. And it isn’t even funny. But, since it IS Thursday; I’ll give you a little something to remember me by. A throwback Thursday photo of when I was thin and miserable and had the worst god damn hair cut in the history of the world.

 

Enjoy it!

 

 

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And the drummer at this concert was being a total creeper that day too.

 

 

And if any of you find that you cant live without me, I am only an email away.

 

 

Blog Love

I think I am officially back from having my…emotional difficulties. While I was away I was nominated for multiple blogging awards. I think the lesson here is that the less I blog, the more awards I get. I’ll keep that in mind for future reference. Be patient and I will respond to all of them. It is a little overwhelming right now.

So, first, Eva from  the Tattoo Tourist nominated for a blogging award. I love her blog and her and apparently the feeling is mutual so we are in a common law blogger marriage or something. I’m not sure how all of that works. She’s better at legalities, which is what makes us such a great couple.

And now; to the questions…

1. What is the main purpose of your blog?

I used to think this blog was just a means to entertain myself and offset the sadfest that my other blog tends to be. But now I am seeing the value of sharing these stories as well. It sneakily somehow became one of the most fullfilling things in my life.

2. What are your three favorite blogs?

This is hard and I don’t like leaving people out. I like A LOT of blogs. I read a lot of blogs (though I have been horribly slacking lately). So, instead I will share my favorite genital related blogs because I am in a vagina-y mood (when am I not, right?). These are all NSFW.

 

Vagina Pagina: I know it’s LiveJournal and the formatting annoys the shit out of me. But I have laughed until I cried reading it. Top favs of mine to read are: Stained Undies. And Vagina Foods. Also their Vulvapedia is genius. If you haven’t guessed it is very very graphic.

 

Sexis: I’m sure all of you have read this because it is The Bloggess and she is my hero. But this sex column was the first thing I ever read by her. And this article is the first one I ever read. And I fell in love instantly. I also love her sex quizzes.

 

OhJoySexToy: This is a gorgeously drawn comic blog that does reviews of sex toys. They are funny, cute, wonderfully candid, open minded and accepting. It is basically everything I love in the world in one place. Their reviews are my favorite thing about the site. But they have some great Sex ed comics too. This one on Consent is a favorite for me to direct my partners to.

3. What is the weirdest/most controversial blog post you have written?

I don’t really feel like anything I write is that weird. I mean, it’s all just me. I think my ‘weirdest’ one was this one, about dyeing my armpit and pubic hairs. But my favorite one so far was the vagina fingering story. I don’t know, what do you guys think is the weirdest one?

4. Are you writing a book or screenplay? If so what is it about and will you try to publish it?

I have written several books (all terrible) and at least a novel’s worth of short stories. Plus poetry and my other blog. I am currently working on a novel right now that I am very pleased with. It is about monsters and childhood and growing up in an abusive home. It is a horror type of story. I would be happier than I can express to get it published someday.

5. Eggnog, yes or no? Followed by rum or brandy?

I fucking hate milk and eggnog. It repulses me. I’ve never had brandy. Rum is my deal! My favorite drink right now is Kraken rum (originally bought for the tentacled octopus on the label) with coke and a splash of Disaronno amaretto. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper and makes me feel so relaxed.

6. How do you feel about questionnaires?

I feel like nobody cares about my answers and I am pretty conceited to think anyone even reads this shit. But I love reading everyone else’s because I am endlessly fascinated by other people. Also, I am totally creepy and like peeping into your lives.

7. Will you blog forever or is there a cutoff point? If so, why?

Unless I become immortal, I will definitely stop blogging someday. However, if I can live forever I will need to make it a point to keep being dumb so I can entertain all of you forever. But I have no intentions of stopping any time soon.

8. Have any of your blog readers sent you something in the mail? And if so what?

Leah sent me three lovely, handmade hats. And I sent her three handmade bracelets. Also, I got uncountable goat accoutrement for Aussa from bloggers to send to her. And Debbie painted me a picture, but she gave it to me in person. But you guys should still know about it, because she is like some kind of wizard who is good at everything. If I missed anyone please tell me so I can brag about your awesomeness!

9. Boxers or briefs?

This depends on a lot of different factors. At work I wear men’s briefs because they are extra comfy and my job can be very physical. At home I wear women’s bikinis or thongs depending on my day and outfit. At night I wear men’s boxer briefs around the house or to bed sometimes. My favorite two pairs are: purple with glow in the dark skulls and lime green and covered with insects. They are fucking adorable. And I want more cutesy underwears like them.

10. Secret nicknames or pet names.

Um…None are secret. I get called a lot of things. Amazon. Wonder Woman. The Terminator (both for the way I dump men and the way I fire them at work). I get called a robot a lot (though that isn’t really a nickname). My favorite is Amazon Firing Machine.

 

I know I am supposed to do more with this thing, but I am not going to. Sorry, rules. Thanks again for the nomination!

Sex Story

You guys probably remember from my last post that I recently met Ann St. Vincent. She has convinced me to tell a sex story as a guest post on her blog. I don’t normally talk about my sex life. And am actually pretty nervous. So, if you know me in real life or just don’t want to think about me having sex, do not click here. Or if you maybe lived with me when this all happened *cough cough J*. Otherwise; you’ve been warned.

Fiction Tab

Okay, I keep talking about my fiction and hinting about sharing it in some super secret way for only the cool people to read. But I don’t really know how to do that. So, I will occasionally be posting some fiction under the fiction page at the top. I would love to have readers and feedback.

But if you don’t want to read it, or don’t want to give feedback; that’s fine with me. I probably wont post very much very often. And I will definitely still be telling my usual vomit and vagina stories on here.

I know I share some really personal stories on here, but in a way, they are just stories. They are part of my life and part of my past. But they aren’t me. They are only things that happened to me.

My fiction is more personal to me than my past can ever be. My fiction is who I am. And I have something posted over there now.