Voice

If you read Leah over at militarywiferants, and you should, because she is fucking hilarious, then you may have read about my deep ‘sexy’ voice. I have been hearing it described that way a lot lately. Which is pretty weird for me. Because it is normally described as masculine, monotone, robotic.

I feel like I sound like this.

In high school I was in chorus. Unlike males, as a female you have to be a decent singer to be in chorus. Males get in because there aren’t enough; no matter how terrible you are.

 

My best friend, K, was in chorus. It was the only reason I joined. I was immediately put in the intermediate class which meant K and I got to sit in the back and be obnoxious together. We were both altos (that is the deeper female voice).

Alto

In chorus there is a hierarchy. The sopranos are always the sexy, Disney princess types. The altos were the sarcastic types.We always used to joke; the higher pitched the voice, the dumber the girl. They always used to joke; the lower pitched the voice, the more of a lesbian the girl. Sorry. We were little assholes.

Sopranos

My class had two male singers. One tenor, one bass. That was literally it. If one of them was sick, we had no male part that day. Until my chorus teacher realized I could hit their notes. And then I was put in their roles.

 

This was not the first time I played the part of the man. But, going by the above criteria, I was fucking doomed. I had super short hair, I was thin and flat chested, I wore baggy jeans and t-shirts every day, I had never had a boyfriend, and now it turned out my voice was actually a tenor and not even an alto.

20130510_125803

Me at 16 looking smooth as fuck in a tux at my sister’s wedding.

I was basically a man. And definitely a lesbian. I never thought being a lesbian was an insult and it didn’t bother me being called one. It still doesn’t bother me and it still happens regularly. Also, I get called ‘sir’ a lot, even in person.

 

Every year, we would go to Disney in December and sing Christmas carols. It was called the Candlelight Processional. We would learn a bunch of Christmas songs and sing them. My favorite song in the group was always Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus from the Messiah. I am not even remotely religious. It is just a beautiful song. And fun to sing.

There were a lot of these type of jokes going on.

Because I was covering for the male roles, I didn’t get a lot of time to practice my alto parts. I tended to know the tenor or bass parts of different songs better than the alto portions.

 

Once we arrived at the Candlelight Processional, they arranged us in our groups by height. Being 6’1” made me by far the tallest female. This put me completely with the male singers. They were next to and behind me.

Basically me. All the time.

By the end of the night, I realized I had sung the male parts in every single song instead of my own alto parts. In fact, at the end of the year, part of our grade was to sing certain songs we had learned during the year. And I could only sing the male parts.

I actually keep thinking about how much I would love to find a chorus to join and sing in. I wouldn’t even mind of it was at a church as long as I didn’t have to sit through their sermons.


I love to sing. Even karaoke, but that is a story for another time.

May Search Terms

I’ve been away from the internet for a little while. I’ve been really busy trying to get my work finished so I could enjoy my vacation. Also, I’ve been making necklaces like crazy.

 

I’m going to Seattle tomorrow for a week to visit my sister, J. I could not be more excited! We are also spending a day in Portland. I may blog while I am up there, but probably not. Don’t worry, I will have lots of pictures and stories to tell when I return.

 

But for now, let’s look at my search terms for the month. One thing May has taught me is that there are a lot of sick perverts on the internet and Google apparently thinks I am one of them. There was a horrifyingly obscene amount of porn searches and most of them involve incest or bestiality. So much porn… *shudder*

Welp… moving right along:

 

Sexy cartoons: I’m impressed that more than 30 people were looking for that last month. More than one a day!

Giant rat Venice, Florida: I am really concerned about this giant rat.

The state of Florida facts: I hope you used my facts on a school report.

Strange plastic owls hanging everywhere?: I am really confused by this as I have never even mentioned my brother’s weirdo owl collection. Until now.

Handsome hairy men: There were several variations on this theme. I get it, ladies and gay men.

the weird anal of hell: I don’t know what this means, but I love it! That should be the name of a book.

slime monsters: Uh, what?

shamanic goat skull: Oh, I love you Google for directing that my way.

house sitting nightmare: The phone calls are coming from inside the house!

wound smells like rotten potato: You’re fucked!

cross stitch, if I had known how long this would take: Hahaha! Yeah, that shit takes forever.

can you masturbate after getting essure??: I like the double question marks. Like you urgently needed the answer.

what do you call a person who fucks stuffed animals and dolls: Plushophilia. You’re welcome.

why am I shaking and laughing so much: Hopefully it’s from reading my blog. Though you may have kuru. Have you been eating any human spinal cords lately?

nude men dressed as pirates on cycle: You know, I would actually like to see that too.

sexy rotten co-worker videos: I don’t know if anything rotten is sexy.

fucking throat has been sore for two weeks: Mine is at 4 weeks now. I’m probably going to die.

older sis and I used to get naked when we were home alone: Uh, no we didn’t. I have four older sisters and none of them ever got naked with me.

nude butt fucking stuffed animal: See plushophilia.

I used to do evil things to my sister’s barbies: What kind of evil? Like Santeria ritual sacrifice?

 

 

I have so many more. But I am actually too weirded out by some of the sex stuff to post it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sad Sexy Math

Okay, so I started thinking about my sex life. I guess because I am not having one at the moment. And naturally it lead to me to consider my previous sexual partners and I started wondering how much of my sexual life was spent actually having sex. Because I feel like I have had very little sex in my life.

 

But of course, the only way to be sure is to do the math. So I did. Here. For science. And you can’t say no to science.

 

I felt the need to explain a bit of this because I was worried about being slut shamed. But really, I don’t believe in the concept of being ‘too promiscuous.’ I’ve never had a one night stand, though I might like to. These people I was only with once or for one night were because I didn’t WANT to be with them another time.

 

There were various reasons for this. Sometimes because they were so bad I knew there was no fixing it. But mostly because they acted like I was supposed to be their slave once they got me off. Let me tell you men something, your dick doesn’t do anything that any other dick can’t do… And I can get myself off better than anyone else can.

 

Also, my vagina isn’t the South Pole. Just because you have ventured out to it, doesn’t mean you can plant your flag and stake your claim. You don’t own it. I will do what I want with it.

 

I am hoping, in posting this, that some other brave souls will follow suit. I am very interested to see someone’s other than my own. It really was very simple. And of course, these are all estimates. But they are extremely accurate estimates.

 

It was a simple math problem once I laid out all the information. Feel free to email me at maurnas@gmail.com if you want any assistance in making your own. Please make your own, even if you never share it. It was fun and informative.

 

So, here you go:

 

 

My Age

Partner

Relationship Duration(in days)

Times

Percentage

17

G

270

10

0.03%

18

T

1

1

100%

19

J

900

600

76%

21

D

30

4

13%

22

M

30

10

30%

22

V

1

1

100%

22

S

30

4

13%

22

R

30

6

20%

22

A

1260

40

0.03%

25

D

30

4

13%

26

S

1

1

100%

26

D

1

1

100%

26

T

30

4

13%

26

M

1

1

100%

26

M

120

10

14%

27

A

720

300

41%

28

J

1

3

300%

29

R

120

45

37%

Total: 12 years

18 people

3576 days (9.6 years)

1140

31%

 

4380 days since I started dating. Minus 1140 times I’ve had sex. 3240 days I haven’t had sex since I was 17. That’s 8.87 years of no sex! Which is 73% of my dating life. Pathetic.

 

If you have something nasty to say, please don’t bother commenting. My life is my own and I couldn’t change my past even if I wanted to. Sure, there are several people I would have preferred I hadn’t slept with. There are many I wish I had never even met. But, that’s life.

PS  Android  really should make an app for this. Get on that guys.

 what about you guys? Anyone want to share?

 

First date

I have been really busy looking for a new place to move to. But don’t worry, I still managed to find the time to have this happen to me:

This past Saturday an anomaly occurred within the universe. I was out enjoying my day when an incredibly handsome man that I know asked me out. He and I are not friends, but I know him through another friend.

Let me tell you right now, that I have always been a bit judgmental towards attractive men. I spent most of my life believing that there was no way a conventionally good looking man would ever like me. And if he did, it would either be as a joke to humiliate me or he would be abusive.

I always preferred tall, chubby, hairy men. Nerdy guys with glasses and bad clothes. Older men. Beards. I liked faces with character and people that were interesting looking. Like sexy  ugly, if that makes sense.

I think he is super hot and my friends are like, no Nathan Fillian is the hot one.

I never found these “handsome” men to be attractive. I always likened them to paintings in a museum. I could stare at them all day and appreciate their beauty and artistry. But I could never own one.

Gorgeous! But out of my price range.

This lead me to act like myself around handsome men. They didn’t make me nervous because I knew I had no chance. I was only ever going to be their super cool friend.

But I realized how weirdly shallow this was of me. Good looking people can’t help their appearance any more than bad looking ones can. It was actually pretty rude of me to assume that someone good looking was a bad person. Besides, I have been dating my ‘interesting’ looking men for 12 years and quite a few of them were abusive. So I decided to allow handsome men to date me (I’m a giving person like that).

When this gorgeous dude asked me to go to the beach with him, I was like: “Sure. But just so you know, I hate the beach.”

J and I texted back and forth for a few hours. He was interesting and we had a lot in common. But warning bells were already going off. Not enough to make me change my mind. But enough to make me realize there wasn’t going to be a second date, for sure.

He started telling me all about myself. Maybe this is just me, but I don’t like it when men I don’t know very well tell me how sweet I am. What the fuck do you know about it? Also, I think ‘sweet’ is code for ‘doormat.’ Don’t call me sweet, call me kind. That’s what I am.

Then when he didn’t like how I responded to a question; he told me how I was supposed to respond. He had just unleashed my inner bitch.

“Why are you even bothering to text me? If you already know how you want this conversation to go, just write yourself a script and act out both parts. You don’t need me for that.”

He did not like that one bit. How’s that for ‘sweet’, motherfucker?

He apologized. By this point I was having serious doubts about the beach. But, he was the friend of a friend. And the friend hadn’t said anything negative about J. I was willing to let it go. I haven’t been on a date in a very long time. Did I also mention that he was hot?

The next day he texted me.

“I’ll be leaving for the beach tomorrow at 8am. 8:15 at the latest.”

I responded. “That’s a bit early for me. I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. Can we push it back to 9 or 9:30?”

“No.” He replied.

I was surprised. “Well, can you at least come pick me up so I have time to see my doctor.”

“No. You need to meet me at my place.”

Now, I was really stunned. “Well, I won’t be meeting you at 8, so I guess I am not going to the beach.”  I sort of expected him to relent at this point or maybe make plans to meet up with me later.

Instead he said, “Fine. Please delete my number and I’ll delete yours. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Seriously.

Now I was shocked. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Who the hell acts like that?

All I could say was “Okay.”

He said a few things about how he didn’t have any hard feelings and hoped I didn’t either. But, could I not tell anyone that he had asked me out. (Which is exactly why I am telling all of you right now).

I chose to not respond as the only things I could think of to say would have been very counterproductive.

So, he called me. Our conversation consisted of him repeating his last texts and me telling him to delete my number and never contact me again.

The next day I told my doctor that she had definitely saved me from going on a date with someone that was disturbed in some way.

Who the hell acts like that on an attempt at a first date? Did he think I was going to cancel my doctor’s appointment to go to the beach with him? Where do I find these men? And, most importantly, why do I seem to draw them to me?

At least all is now right with the universe again.

SECOND UPDATE: Damn, I just realized some other point I was trying to make here. I hate when that happens. I always said I didn’t want to be one of those women that ‘tested’ men. But I don’t see how I can NOT do that. I’m starting to see how important it is to find out how someone reacts when they don’t get what they want. And the sooner the better. I think it will help me to avoid guys like this one too.

UPDATE: I just thought of someone better to use as an example of a guy I like that is unconventional. Because Alan Tudyk is seriously hot. Here you go:

Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws. Check off the list: Nerdy, glasses, hairy, beard. Done!