Seattle: Mt Rainier

This is probably going to be my last post about Seattle. More happened, but I feel like I am getting boring. So I’ll be back to my normal vaginas and vomit stories soon. But this story wants to be told. I can’t stop thinking about it.


My sister rented a car to drive me up to see Mt. Rainier. All the pictures in this post are my own (sadly, taken with my phone). I have never been on a mountain before. I have only ever even seen a mountain once in real life.


You can see Mt. Rainier from Seattle. It felt so weird, to see this giant thing looming in the background of the city. It was like a sentinel watching over us.



Fun fact about Seattle: blackberries are everywhere you look, growing like weeds.


Driving up to it, I started freaking out. We took a bunch of back roads through smaller cities. It was the most beautiful day out. It was low humidity, cool weather, no clouds. Just a perfect day.



Looks like a postcard.


It didn’t look real to me. It looked like it was a painted backdrop  on a movie set. My mind was having a really hard time processing this giant pile of earth. I was afraid of it. What was keep it all up there like that? Florida barely has hills, let alone mountains.


There were all these meadows on our drive. We opened the windows and could hear bees humming. Tiny yellow flowers were growing everywhere. And it smelled like sweetgrass and sage and lavender. I was in love with that moment of perfection.



Just one of those perfect days you never forget…


I felt like I could take a deep breath for the first time in my life.  The air smelled and felt so good. It was a strange kind of high. In Florida, with the humidity and heat, it tends to feel like breathing through a warm, wet towel.


The closer we got to the mountain, the more I started freaking out. I could not believe it was real.  I think I said three things over and over the whole day.


“It looks so fake!”


“It looks like Lord of the Rings!”


“It looks painted on.”


We drove up and up through dark green forests of moss covered trees. It was cool and wet and everything was almost blindingly green. The road we were on was closed during the colder months.  Pollen drifted through the air like snow flakes falling.


I went floating in a similar river the following day.


It was startling to see the look out points. The valley was so far below. The curving road seemed unimaginably dangerous. The guardrails were laughably insufficient. I was not used to being so high up.



Yeah, one wheel slip and we would have died. Fuck those roads.


It was still in the 70s near the top of the mountain. We stopped when we saw snow. It was still piled high on either side of the road. I had never seen so much snow. I have only seen it twice before.





We got out of the car and in the silence of the mountain you could hear water dripping and falling in waterfalls as the snow banks melted and ran down the river. It was so loud, echoing through the distance.




We nearly fucking died climbing up this bank to get glasses of waterfall to drink.


I got out and began carefully walking through a snow drift on the side of the road. I immediately fell on my ass. I don’t know how to walk in snow. My sister got out and I scooped up a handful of snow and threw it at her. Then another at our rented car. She and I had a small snowball fight.


We drove further up and played some more. I found where they had cleared away snow from a public bathroom. It must have been 8 feet high still, carved out around this building. And I was still comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans.



I really cant believe I was even there to see all this.


The whole day was surreal. I can still hardly believe that it all actually exists. That mountain is still there, even though I am back in Florida.


It really did look like LOTR.

Seattle: Portland Addition

My second day in Seattle, we took the bus to Portland. Remember when I mentioned that I was a pain in the ass to travel with? Well, it was a four hour bus ride and I was car sick the whole way. Even after taking my nausea pills.


Watch these two cities battle it out!


It was nice to have so much down time to really talk to my sister. But the very first thing I did in Portland was find a bush to vomit into. A kind lady stopped to ask if I was okay. Portland’s a friendly city.


Portland is beautiful. And interesting. But I honestly did not have a great time there. I don’t blame the city. I was tired and cranky and sick. My sister and I only knew a few things to do. And we had no car, which meant a lot of walking. Which made me even more cranky. Yes, I am the worst.


But J and I did meet up with Dave from Dave’s Corner of the Universe. He is another one of my blogger friends. And if you like sci-fi or comics and don’t read him then you are  missing out. His blog is genius. Seriously, genius.


We ate at a food truck and then went to Powell’s books. I don’t even know how long we were in there. Hours. It was huge and amazing and there were so many freakin’ books!


It’s three stories and one city block!


After Powell’s J and I walked down to Voodoo Doughnuts. I don’t know quite how to say this, so I am going to get it out fast. I hate doughnuts. And pastries, pies, cakes, and candy. I have no excuse for myself. I really only like chocolate.

I laughed for like 5 minutes over their slogan.

But these doughnuts were like eating baby unicorns in a rainbow sauce of sunshine and happiness. It was like Lisa Frank all up in my mouth.


Don’t act like you were too cool for Lisa Frank. Check out this brunette Pegasus!




I had the maple bacon bar and the Mexican hot chocolate. And a taste of J’s roommates apple fritter.




Oh my god, get in my mouth, doughnut!

I had seriously eaten one bite of the maple bacon bar and I wanted to go back inside and buy a second one. But unfortunately the line was too long and we couldn’t wait forever.


This is why it’s called Voodoo Doughnuts.


Because we had to go see Mill Ends Park! Please read about it on wikipedia. It is one of my favorite things ever. It is the world’s smallest public park. And I loved it.



So adorable!


By this point we had barely enough time to eat dinner and catch the bus home. I took my back pain meds as I was ready to lay down in the street and die by this point in the day.

I slept the whole way back to J’s place.

Seattle: Part 1

I’m back from vacation and from my blogging hiatus. And I have some stories to tell you while they are still fresh in my mind. Be warned: you may see me in a different light after the next few posts.


Straight off let me say, I am a bad traveller. I get anxiety. I get motion sickness on any moving piece of machinery. I have a bad back and can hardly get comfortable at home where I bought everything specifically for my back. I don’t like interacting with or touching strangers. And I don’t like wearing bras or pants. Luckily, I have drugs that help all that.


As a result, I don’t travel much and am a total pain in the ass when I do. But I desperately miss my little sister and was ready to brave airports, planes, buses, trains, and shitty mattresses to see her.


The flight both there and home were absolutely miserable and not even in a way that I can make funny so I’ll skip it. Except that I tried to board the wrong plane and was actually embarrassed walking past all the people waiting in line.


I got to my sister, J’s place at midnight. I was so tired from travelling that I barely spoke to her and went straight to sleep.


The next morning the bright sun was shining in my face. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel rested. It had to be 8am. I checked the time. It was just after 5am.


What the fuck was going on? I texted my sister. Why is it so bright out?!


Apparently the sun rises at 5am and sets at 9pm in the summer in Seattle. Who knew?


Despite having no sleep on an uncomfortable bed, I was the most cheerful person in the city that morning. And every morning, actually. Apparently nobody smiles or behaves friendly in the city. At least not to J.


We took a bus to Capital Hill to go to J’s favorite coffee shop. When we got on the bus, I walked up to a pleasant looking blonde girl and said “I’m going to sit next to you.”


She laughed and said “okay.”


I don’t know how bus etiquette works. I was fascinated by everything and in an amazingly good mood. It was beautiful. Low humidity, bright sunlight, cool weather.


Seriously, this is the most beautiful city.



I started asking J all kinds of questions. I wanted to sit in the middle seats where the bus joined. They looked fun and bendy. Then I asked if I could pull the cord for our stop.


The girl next to me pulled out her headphones (90% of the people in the city were wearing headphones, no matter where we went) and asked “Have you never been on a bus before?”


I told her, “I’m from Florida. Only crazy people take the bus. And people with too many DUIs.”


I got to pull the cord and at our stop we took the rear exit. My sister got off the bus and the bus driver immediately closed the doors.


I was shocked. I said aloud, “Oh god! What do I do? I’m trapped forever!” Everyone on the bus started cracking up and my sister turned and looked at me, confused.


I had visions of having to get off at the next stop and being lost in the city and trying to find her again.


Luckily someone realized that I genuinely didn’t know what to do and shouted “Back door!” at the driver before the bus drove off.


We got to Capital Hill, which is apparently the gay district. It was amazing. There were adverts for drag shows and gay couples actually holding hands in public. I loved it.


Her favorite coffee shop was Kaladi Brothers Coffee. If you are ever in Washington State it is worth going to. This was seriously the best coffee I have ever had in my entire life. It was so smooth and incredible. We went back almost every day and one day I even ordered a double (which had 4 shots of espresso).



So many windows too!


We walked around the city for a bit. The city was beautiful. There were flowers everywhere. I stopped to check to see if they were real and a bee flew out into my face. I amused many strangers in the city that day.


She took me to Pike’s Place. It was right on the water and still early enough that most of the vendors weren’t set up. By this point of the day I had already done more walking than I normally do.



The view from Pike Place.


The booths were beautiful and it felt like fall in Florida. I had a molasses cookie and fresh apple cider. There were fresh picked flowers for sale. And I sat on the Pike Place pig.



Bet you never thought you’d see a pic of me riding a giant brass piggy bank. This was pre-haircut.



They didn’t even look real.


This is the same place that has the famous Pike Place Fish Co. They throw the fish. It was cool.


I was a little worried about getting hit with a fish.


For lunch we had Takos Chukis. I got three baby burritos. Again, if you are ever in Washington, go there. They were the best fucking things I have ever had in my mouth. I went there twice on my visit.


Oh my god! These are heaven. I want to eat nothing but them from now on.


I also got to see the disgusting gum wall.



It almost touched me. Ew.


And I got my hair cut by a Drag Queen he/she was the premiere Cher impersonator in the Pacific Northwest. I got me an adorable haircut. I was feeling pretty shaggy and gross in such a hip city. Which by the way, everyone up there is young, hip, thin, and gorgeous. I did not fit in at all. I was disturbed by how few old people were around.
My sister and I decided to “street harass” men by telling them when we thought they were hot. There are a lot of ot men in Seattle. But I happen to go for beards, glasses and hipsters. So, we talked to a lot of hottie guys on my visit. It started as both a way to open up and be more friendly (which we both need) but it turned out to be a lot of fun.


Basically the sexy face of Seattle. Beard, visible tattoos, hotness. The girls were hot too, but they didn’t have beards. Lots of dyed hair, though.


Stay tuned next post for more of my travelling adventures.



Random graffiti wall near the gum wall.



May Search Terms

I’ve been away from the internet for a little while. I’ve been really busy trying to get my work finished so I could enjoy my vacation. Also, I’ve been making necklaces like crazy.


I’m going to Seattle tomorrow for a week to visit my sister, J. I could not be more excited! We are also spending a day in Portland. I may blog while I am up there, but probably not. Don’t worry, I will have lots of pictures and stories to tell when I return.


But for now, let’s look at my search terms for the month. One thing May has taught me is that there are a lot of sick perverts on the internet and Google apparently thinks I am one of them. There was a horrifyingly obscene amount of porn searches and most of them involve incest or bestiality. So much porn… *shudder*

Welp… moving right along:


Sexy cartoons: I’m impressed that more than 30 people were looking for that last month. More than one a day!

Giant rat Venice, Florida: I am really concerned about this giant rat.

The state of Florida facts: I hope you used my facts on a school report.

Strange plastic owls hanging everywhere?: I am really confused by this as I have never even mentioned my brother’s weirdo owl collection. Until now.

Handsome hairy men: There were several variations on this theme. I get it, ladies and gay men.

the weird anal of hell: I don’t know what this means, but I love it! That should be the name of a book.

slime monsters: Uh, what?

shamanic goat skull: Oh, I love you Google for directing that my way.

house sitting nightmare: The phone calls are coming from inside the house!

wound smells like rotten potato: You’re fucked!

cross stitch, if I had known how long this would take: Hahaha! Yeah, that shit takes forever.

can you masturbate after getting essure??: I like the double question marks. Like you urgently needed the answer.

what do you call a person who fucks stuffed animals and dolls: Plushophilia. You’re welcome.

why am I shaking and laughing so much: Hopefully it’s from reading my blog. Though you may have kuru. Have you been eating any human spinal cords lately?

nude men dressed as pirates on cycle: You know, I would actually like to see that too.

sexy rotten co-worker videos: I don’t know if anything rotten is sexy.

fucking throat has been sore for two weeks: Mine is at 4 weeks now. I’m probably going to die.

older sis and I used to get naked when we were home alone: Uh, no we didn’t. I have four older sisters and none of them ever got naked with me.

nude butt fucking stuffed animal: See plushophilia.

I used to do evil things to my sister’s barbies: What kind of evil? Like Santeria ritual sacrifice?



I have so many more. But I am actually too weirded out by some of the sex stuff to post it.







Styrofoam Cups

My little sister lives in Seattle. We were very close growing up (despite my stories on here). And I miss her a lot.


I have only seen her twice in the past few years. She flew down last year on 9/11. Her last night in town we all went out for BBQ (my favorite). We said our goodbyes and I drove home.


I started crying almost as soon as I drove away from her. Which is not unusual for me. I am not much of a crier, but when it comes to her…


Anyway, I was driving home and I had a half gallon sized styrofoam cup of tea (I technically live in the south). I know styrofoam is awful for the environment, can we all stay focused here?

The second biggest size here.

I went to put the cup down in the cupholder, but I missed it. I guess I was distracted by all the tears. I somehow punctured the base of the cup.


Tea began gushing out all over my car. My lovely, innocent car that I had bought only a  few months previously. It had been in nearly pristine condition. And now, my drink was urinating sweet sticky liquid all over.


I was driving down the road as my center console filled with tea. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t throw the cup out of the car window as I didn’t want to litter. And the tea was rushing out at an alarming rate. Luckily, the console was mostly water tight but it wasn’t big enough to contain the entire cup.

It was completely full.

I pulled over and dumped the remaining contents out in an empty parking lot. 3/4 of it was now sloshing around in my console. I opened my glove box, which is where everyone in my family keeps extra napkins. But I was out. I has been using them to wipe my eyes and blow my nose from crying on the drive home.


My only options were the two most unabsorbent things known to man. I dug through my purse and pulled out a handful of crumpled receipts. Then I reached into my back seat and found my bathing suit. I stuffed the receipts and the bathing suit down into the console.


It was so pathetic that I couldn’t help but start cracking up. Like in that scene from 101 Dalmations.

Totally me with my wet receipts and bathing suit.

I tried to drive home with extra care as I didn’t want to splash Console Tea Lake (as I named it) all over everything. It didn’t deserve to end that way. I had wanted that tea inside me. I thought about drinking it. I had a straw. And no shame left in life. Besides,  the console was mostly water tight.


But in the end, my squeamishness won out. The little flecks of purse lint and gum foil were unappetizing enough even for me.

What the bottom of my purse turns into. Is this just me?

And I stopped feeling sad about saying goodbye to my sister. And started feeling sad about ruining my car.