Going Grey

I just wanted to have grey hair so bad. I mean, it looks amazing on everyone. It is so in right now. And I truly think I could pull grey hair off.

 

So I innocently made an appointment to my local hair salon. All my misadventures start with the best of intentions. How hard was it to get a hair dye?

 

Here is a picture of me before. In case you guys forgot how fantastic my hair is.

 

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I don’t know why I look so emo here

 

I brought a book and some water (which I cannot go anywhere without) and was ready for it to take about 2 hours. That was normal for the intense bleaching and then toning I was looking for. But I was willing to wait and brave chemical burns for my new found sense of style.

 

That first night we bleached my hair. And I wound up looking like Thranduil.

 

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I hate my hot elvish son

 

But my hair refused to lighten enough to go grey. The hair stylist decided to try foiling my hair. The process was fascinating. Not least because she mistakenly thought kitchenware would help where probable cancer causing chemicals did not.

 

But I wound up looking like some sort of gingery blonde. I have to admit. It was pretty cute.

 

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So happy and smiley.

 

But five days later, I returned to her chair with my book. And we bleached it again. My hair did not like the bleaching. But I really did not care. My hair would be tamed.

 

And I wound up looking like Draco Malfoy.

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My father will hear about this!

 

It actually looked pretty cute for a week. But it still was not grey.

 

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Doctor Who in the house!

 

So I went back a third time. I finished my novel. I was reading Gulp by Mary Roach. As an aside here, if Mary Roach is looking for a 31 year old friend that lives in Florida I am available. All her books are amazing, hilarious and informative. And Gulp is also fascinatingly gross.

 

After two more bleachings, my hair was finally light enough to go grey. In case you lost count, that’s four bleachings in two weeks. Yes, my scalp was angry. My hair still has a bit of a weird texture to it. But not even a nuclear explosion could make that shit fall out. (Though actually it could since that is one of the symptoms of radiation poisoning).

 

We both realized that the reason we struggled with my hair so much was that I had auburn hair as a kid. Apparently red heads have difficult hair to bleach. Who knew?

 

So I had grey hair for one hot minute.

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I dare you to tell me I don’t look fantastic here.

 

But the bleach has been working on my hair over time now and a few weeks later, I am blonde again.

 

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Me now. Making some weird face.

 

I think next time I will go back to my childhood roots and dye it red. Sorry for all the pics of myself! 

Book Love

I have been looking at a tumblr site awesomepeoplereading.  And it is truly awesome. Plus, it gave me the impetus I needed to talk about something I have been putting off for a while: books.

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Note to self: Books do not make comfortable pillows.

Books changed my life. I always loved to read. I knew how before I ever started school. My mother homeschooled my older siblings and as there was no sitter, we sat in on the classes. It made the first few years of school painfully slow.

 

I was always reading a book in class instead of paying attention, a habit I kept up right through high school. I never volunteered to answer anything in class, but always knew the answer when called upon (and once the question was repeated and after they finally got my attention). I am a bit of a know it all.

 

When I was 10 we moved to a house that was literally one block from the public library. I was old enough to walk there alone. And it was free. My mother gave the library permission to give me an adult card. And I have never looked back.

A whole world of grown up books was waiting for me.

I spent that whole  summer reading, and every summer after that. I would sit on our porch in the heat and rain with a glass of water or sweet tea and a bowl of snacks. I was lost in another world of some writer’s creation. I read voraciously. I could read an entire adult novel in less than a day (I still can if I have the time to).

 

So I thought I would share some of my favorite books of all time for you. I even divided them into categories. I have a lot of favorites. These are books that are so good, I bought them after I had already read them. But this is in no way extensive. Prepare yourself:

 

Series:

Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling- These books got me through my first hospital stay. There were weeks of boredom and waiting for my blood levels to be right for my first surgery. I couldn’t walk, bathe, brush my teeth. I couldn’t even use the toilet. But when I read these books, nothing existed but the world of Harry and Hogwarts. 

 

Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien – I actually read these for the first time this year. But I am obsessed with the books, story, and movies.

 

Sea of Trolls by Nancy Farmer- She is one of my favorite authors. This series is like  Harry Potter in the 11th century. It is riveting. This is one of those series that you wish there were dozens of instead of only three.

 

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams- I can’t even remember the first time I read this. Probably middle school. And I thought it was some of the funniest writing I have ever read. It still is. PS: He has other books not in this series that are somehow even better.

 

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle- Most people don’t know there are 4 books in this series. All of them are interesting and wonderful.

Childhood Favorites:

Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O’Dell- This is one of the first books I can ever remember reading. It made me want to be a writer. It also is one of the most unintentionally feminist books I have ever read. It made me realize women were just as capable as men in every way.

 

The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm by Nancy Farmer- I love her so much that she gets two spots on this list. This is the first book I read by her. I loved it so much that I buy a copy every time I see one for sale. I collect them and am constantly giving them away. I think sharing a book you love with someone is one of the greatest things you can do.

 

Stone Fox by John Reynolds Gardiner- Remember reading Where the Red Ferns Grows as a kid? Did it make you cry? Not me. I loved that book, it is very good. But THIS book made me cry.

 

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery- This book will always be treasured by me. I will probably get a tattoo of it someday. I wish the whole world would read it.

 

Sign of the Seahorse by Graeme Base- All of his books are some of the most beautifully illustrated things I have ever seen. And the stories are good too.

I love his art.

Short Stories:

I have a particular love of short stories.

 

Stephen King- He is my favorite author, but my favorite things by him will always be his short stories. All his compilations are fantastic and I think they keep getting better. ‘N’ is one that really stuck with me.

 

Ray Bradbury- He got me reading and loving short stories. I remember the first thing I ever read by him. I remember reading it and feeling like my world had changed and knowing that this would be an important memory. It was ‘All Summer in a Day.’ My favorite book of all time is an 800 page compilation of his. And that is saying something. ‘The Scythe’ has influenced me in ways I can’t describe. His writing is soft and gentle and sometimes terrible and horrifying. “The Fruit at the Bottom of the Bowl’ is very reminiscent of Edgar Allen Poe.

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My favorite book in the entire world. If those shelves behind me look like they are buckling under the weight, they are. Every shelf is double packed; with books on top of books too.

Phillip K Dick- This man is pure sci-fi. A friend recently compared my fiction to his and I felt this was the highest of compliments. ‘Second Generation’ is one story I can read over and over. I am sure you know his work. He wrote Bladerunner. And Minority Report. And Total Recall. And Paycheck. And A Scanner Darkly. I could go on…

 

Edgar Allen Poe- I doubt any of you are surprised that I adore this guy. My favorite thing by him ever is ‘The Raven.’ I know it is very well known and popular, but it deserves to be. I also love ‘The Cask of Amontillado.’

 

100 Little Series- There are about a dozen of these short story compilations. I have read most of them. My favorite two are 100 Astounding Little Alien Stories and 100 Vicious Little Vampire Stories. These books will challenge your concept of aliens and vampires in the best ways possible.

 

Scary Stories:

I read a lot of horror and suspense. They rarely affect me. But these stories have haunted me long after I moved on to the next book.

 

World War Z by Max Brooks- If you’ve seen the movie, forget it. This book is nothing like anything I have ever read before. It is in my top 5 all time favorite books. And I don’t even particularly like zombies. The story that stuck with me most was under the streets of France. That shit is haunting.

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I wanted A to read this so much that I read it aloud to him every night before bed.

Gerald’s Game by Stephen King- I have read everything by him and this was the book I couldn’t sleep after reading. The man in the moonlight just did me in.

 

Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood- This book does everything she intended it to do. The ending is so horrifying to me.

 

Prayer for the Dying by Stewart O’Nan- His writing is so beautiful, it is like reading poetry. But don’t let that fool you. This book is incredible and disturbing.

 

Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes- This book chronicles one of my greatest fears. Need I say more?

 

1984 by George Orwell- I know there is some debate of 1984 vs Brave New World. But this book is scary because the people don’t even have the privacy of the inside of their own minds. It still gives me the shivers.

 

Comics:

I’m not too good to consider the writing and stories in comic books to be just as serious as any other medium.

 

SCUD by Rob Schrab- Have you read this? No? Read it! It is the best comic ever written. It is full of pure fucking awesomeness. And that’s all I will tell you.

 

Bone by Jeff Smith- It took me a minute to get over the weird creatures that are the main characters. But the story is too good to miss.

 

Hellboy by Mike Mignola- This was one of the comics that got me seriously into comics when I was younger. The stories are funny and weird and interesting.

 

Ghostopolis by Doug Ten Napel- He has several comics that I love, but this is one of the best. It has some interesting ideas about the afterlife.

 

Watchmen by Alan Moore- I think the movie did a great job adapting this, but you should read it anyway because the story is that good.

 

Uplifting Stories:

Life of Pi by Yann Martel- The movie is good, but the book is better. I laughed my ass off during several parts of it.

 

I thought my father was God- This is a series of short stories written by NPR listeners. They are all true, short, and interesting. This book is funny, sad, spiritual, interesting.

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I’m not wearing pants in any of these pictures. You’re welcome.

I am the Messenger by Markus Zusack- This is one of those stories that just sticks with you. I had to read it twice just to re-experience the book from the perspective of knowing the ending.

 

Widow for One Year by John Irving- I love everything by this man. Some of his books are depressing. But this is another one that snippets of just seem to stick with me. I find myself thinking of it during odd moments of my day.

 

Non-Fiction:

Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan- I love two non-fiction books over any other; food and diseases. This one is about food. It is interesting and well written.

 

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft- I wish every single woman on the planet was required to read this. It’s about abusive men and their motives. It was the single most helpful thing I have read on the subject. I intend to read it once a year for the rest of my life.

 

Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker- This is the only other book on this list that I believe should be required reading for every woman on the planet. I have bought more than 10 copies of it because I continue to give it to people that need to read it.

 

Gaining by Aimee Liu- This is about eating disorders. It is helpful to read if you have one, are recovering from one, or know someone that has one. It is about life after an eating disorder. It made me realize I wasn’t alone with my issues.

 

The Ghost Map by Steven Johnson- This book is about cholera and the father of epidemiology and anaesthesia: Jonathan Snow. He is my hero. This is one of the best books I have read about diseases and I believe I have read them all.

 

Bonk by Mary Roach- She is hilarious and amazing and everything she writes is incredible. This book is about the study of sex. She reminds me of the bloggess. Read her, love her. She has a TedTalks about orgasms that is brilliant.

 

Honorable Mention:

These are a few favorites that I didn’t know where to put.

 

Microserfs by Douglas Coupland- I love all of his books. They are weird and funny and lovely.

 

Rant by Chuck Palahniuk- His novels are great. But I am always fascinated by the things happening in the periphery of his stories.  This is my favorite because it is about rabies and time travel and I can’t even explain what else here.

 

The Pleasure of my Company by Steve Martin (yes, that Steve Martin)- This book is another that will stay with you. It is amusing and sweet.

 

Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson- This book was so hard for me to read. But all of her books can be. They are about the dark side of growing up. Not in some Christopher Pike, ‘my best friend is secretly a ghost’ way. Her books are more of a ‘I was raped or have an eating disorder’ kind of way. I own multiple copies of this book and even suffered through Kristen Stewart’s acting to watch the movie.

 

Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon- My favorite plot device is the unreliable narrator. And this books nails it on so many levels.

 

Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb- I went through this phase where I read every book I could find on dating. Most of them were hilarious, terrible, or hilariously terrible. This is the one that I thought was actually sensible, logical, and helpful. I don’t suffer from the issues described in this book, but I recognized many of my friends, male and female, in it’s pages.

 

And there you have it. A, by no means, exhaustive list of some of my favorite novels. Do you think I missed something? Do you have something to recommend to me? Please do so in the comments.

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BOOKS!!

 

PS I just wrote a humongous post about books. And I had to really narrow down my favorites. None of you can leave me too long of a comment. Honestly, ever. But definitely not if we are talking books.

Search Terms

There are some wonderful bloggers out there that like to talk about the search terms used to find their blog. And I laugh until I can’t breathe when I read them. But I know I am not clever in that way and am not good at that kind of funny. In case you were wondering, my kind of funny is more talking about how idiotic I am. I am really good at that.

 

However, the shit people have been looking for lately is too good to not share. So, you’re welcome wayward searchers. I hope my blog was able to answer your bizarre and smelly questions.

 

List of characters from giant monsters and dra- I don’t even know what this means or why it took you here. I should say both of you.

 

Body odor of rotten potato- I have smelled rotten potato and the only way to kill that smell is with fire or acid. Sorry about your body odor, though, that’s tough.

 

Have you ever fucked your sister doll- Um, no. Are we talking about that kid sister doll or what? Or maybe I don’t really want to know.

 

Good roach killer- I am the opposite of this.

 

Barbie fuck- I know why that would lead you here, I just don’t know why you were looking for that.

 

Gas stations without bathrooms- Those are ideally, the best kind. It’s probably better to just pee yourself.

 

How to tighten your retainer with the key- My mother did mine. I can’t even imagine trying to do this to yourself.

 

Fingering hospital story- I could not be more proud of this. I should change my headline on this blog to this. Thank you, dear internet searcher.

 

What to do if your car smell (sic) like rotten potato- As I mentioned above, the only solution is fire or acid.

 

Bedpan use myself- I hope you haven’t been sharing these.

 

Old Cabbage Patch dolls with vagina- I guess I missed the production of that line of Cabbage Patch dolls.

 

ECG taking inner the vagina whole part while fucking- Were you looking for a really specific porn? It reminds me of Mary Roach’s book: Boink. What a wonderful book about the study of sex.

Wizard of Oz tattoos- Man, mention Wizard of Oz one time and the internet never lets you forget it.