This is a semi-sex story that I told my sister, J. I think this story makes me seem like a bit of an asshole. And I probably am. But J convinced me it was hilarious and I should blog about it. So, here you go.
The last guy I was sleeping with was R. This feels like a lifetime ago, but it was actually only last year.
R was 15 years older than me. He was divorced and had a lot of kids. He was also an ex-Catholic. If you have read My Life’s Mottos, you’ll know that one of them is: Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.
I have dated many ex-Catholics. And every single one of them has had some serious sexual hang ups. That’s not to say all that all ex-Catholics do, or even that all Catholics do. I am only talking about my experiences.
R’s biggest hang up was wearing a condom. He was against them. Extremely. Once, he got up in the middle of us making out, got dressed, and went home, because I wouldn’t have sex without a condom. That was one of the last times I ever saw him.
Not being a man, I don’t really get what the big deal is with condoms. I guess it doesn’t feel as good? It seems a small price to pay to minimize the risk of pregnancy and STDs. But maybe that’s just me.
One day R and I were hanging out and he asked if I was interested in having sex. I was, but I didn’t have any condoms. So we went to Walgreens.
We went inside and I walked right over the the condom aisle. I already knew where it was because all the Walgreens are set up the same. Also, the aisles are pretty clearly labeled.
Have you guys been to the condom aisle lately? I remember when I was a teenager in my shitty, small hometown, you had two brands to choose from and maybe two varieties in each brand, if you were lucky. You basically got Trojans or Lifestyles. And good luck finding anything else fun or interesting.
But nowadays the condom aisle is like the candy aisle! There are so many options to choose from! There are ribbed, studded, flavored, glow in the dark. They have warming lubes and ‘massage oils’ and all kinds of brands and sizes and materials to choose from.
So R and I were standing there, and he was red faced and whispering to me about what we wanted to buy. I am not embarrassed about buying condoms. I never was. In fact, quite the opposite. I’m proud. I’m like “Look at me! Having sex! With another person!”
A Walgreens employee walked by while we were talking and asked if we needed help. R got even redder and I laughed and told her “No thank you.”
By this point R was looking around all paranoid, like god himself was watching and judging (which, if you believe he exists, he always is, right?). So he got kind of rude with me and told me: “Just pick something already so we can get the hell out of here. People are staring!”
I looked around the empty aisle. “What people?”
“The woman that works here.” He hissed.
“So what? She knows we’re buying condoms. Big whoop. Who gives a shit?” I said to him.
“What must she think?” He asked, looking worried and embarrassed and annoyed with me.
“Um, that two consenting adults are buying condoms so they can have safe sex?” I was super confused by his attitude. I wasn’t underage. We weren’t having an affair. We were just two people buying condoms together.
“Hurry up so we can get out of here!” He was losing his temper with me. And I thought it was hilarious.
I naturally decided to fuck with him.
We picked out a box of condoms and walked up to the register. The checkout person was a guy about my age. He rang up our purchases and I said to him, “Hey, guess what?”
The checkout guy asked “What?”
I said to him: “I’m buying condoms. And I’m going to use them. Tonight. With that guy.” And I pointed to R.
The checkout guy laughed and said “I figured as much.”
“We’re going to have safe sex tonight and it is going to be awesome.” I gave the checkout guy a thumbs up and a huge grin.
R was seething now. But the checkout guy laughed again and said “Good for you. Enjoy!” And he handed us our purchases.
Maybe I should have stopped there. But let me remind you that R is in his mid 40s. He’s been married. He has multiple children with multiple women. He is allegedly an adult.
We walked outside and there was a young, hot, dude smoking a cigarette outside the building. He was maybe 20 or so.
I walked up to him with a big smile and said “Hey, guess what?”
He smiled at me in a friendly way and said, “What?”
And I said, “I just bought condoms in there. I’m having sex tonight! With him” And again I pointed to R. “I’m excited because it’s going to be awesome because he is great in bed.”
The young, hot dude started cracking up laughing and said, “Good luck!” Then he high fived me.
R wouldn’t speak to me the entire drive home. He didn’t have sex with me that night. In fact, I’m not even sure we had sex ever again after that night. And we definitely never bought condoms together again.