I wrote another thing for my friend’s blog. I know you probably want me to write things for this blog. And I also want to. But I got more back injections and am all angry and Phantom of the Opera-y again. So that will have to wait. Please feel free to read my opinion about Slave Leia cosplay, here.
So my friend has started a nerdy blog. And I am clearly a guest contributor to that blog. If any of you have ever wondered with what I do with all the time I don’t spend sleeping feel free to head over there and check out some of my content. I will be linking my guest posts there.
Also, I noticed that the moderator asterisked out my swearing. I get why she did it, but it felt really weird to read something I wrote with no clearly spelled out swear words. So let me just say here, very quickly; motherfucker.
I spent the day with Ann St. Vincent on Sunday. You know you guys are jealous. And you should be.
Before we met, I’d had this image of her in my head. Something like a cross between Anne Bancroft in Mrs Robinson, but blonde and blue eyed, but with the hairstyle of Tippi Hedren in The Birds. I don’t know why I was imagining her as some woman from the 60s. She is barely older than myself.
I tried not to build her up too much in my mind before I met her. After reading her blog it is almost impossible not to. But I needn’t have worried. She was as charming as she seems to be on her blog. And just as funny too.
When I first got to her hotel, I got a little worried. It was fancy. Way fancier than any place I’d normally be comfortable. And I wasn’t comfortable.
She had me valet my car which is really only something I’ve done at the fancy-pants Emergency Room I go to. When I walked into the lobby it smelled like money and sexy man cologne.
I went into the hotel’s bathroom to pee before going up to meet her. The bathroom STALL was bigger and classier than my entire bathroom in my apartment. It had a frosted glass door for fuck’s sake.
When I finished, I went to wash my hands. I coated them in liquid hand soap and then paused. There was no knob to the faucet so I expectantly put my hands under the sink, expecting it to be an automatic. But nothing happened.
I looked around. Was I missing something? I started twisting things and pressing things. It was like trying to play a game of bop it.
I held my hands under the faucet again. I tend to have issues with automatic dispensers. I can only assume because I do not have a soul.
But nothing happened. I started pressing more and more unlikely things. I was pushing on random tiles in the wall. Like it was some secret passage in a castle that would lead me to the land of water.
And still, I couldn’t figure out the magical combination to get that damn sink to turn on. It was like the three seashells in Demolition Man. I was just stuck, with my hands covered in soap. What I really needed was an adult, but they are never around when you really need one.
So I finally broke down and rinsed them with the water in my water bottle.
I went back out into the lobby feeling like a failure. I couldn’t even pass the first fancy person test of washing my hands in the bathroom. An entire family was mean mugging me while I waited for Ann to come meet me. I was starting to regret the whole thing.
And then I met Ann. She greeted me with a big hug. Which I normally don’t like, but for some reason, it was okay with her. I suspect she just has that ability to put people at ease.
She completely swept me off my feet. She paid for my valet parking. She bought me lunch. I felt like the prostitute in Pretty Woman, only less pretty. I joked several times that I was going to swoon. If she was trying to get into my pants, it was totally working.
But she wasn’t.
We talked until my throat was sore. She is an excellent conversationalist too. I was my typical weirdo self. We talked about everything from my usual serial killers and cannibalism to sex and the hilarity of unsolicited dick pics.
We even got to talk about the real problems with lesbian porn (fake fingernails, fingering, and probably some gross vaginal bacterial infections from funky fake fingernails). My issues with betiality (lack of consent on the part of the animal). And pegging.
She’s even trying to get me to do a guest post on her blog, so stay tuned for that.
If I can be serious for a moment (and I can because it’s my blog). I never expected this blog to be more than some good therapy/entertainment for me. But instead it has turned into this whole community of wonderful people and connections. I have gotten more emotional support from my blog friends than I have from most of my real life friends. And as I am turning my blog friends into real life friends, I am so grateful to be here and to know the people that I know. Thank you guys.
In case you guys don’t know, Jana over at Stop Me if I Told You This is hilarious and sweet. She also claims to think I am incredibly interesting (that word is being bandied about a lot in my life lately).
And she was kind enough to ask me to answer some questions for some thing she is doing and also to ask some other people to answer them too, if they want. Unlike Jana, I am totally bossy. But participation is voluntary for my nominees too.
So here it is:
What am I working on at the moment?
That really depends on what you mean. Nothing is ever easy with me. I am writing for this blog and my other blog. I am writing some weirdo poetry and a shit ton of science fiction.
In the non-writing world, I am crafting up a storm of dinosaur jellyfish skeletons, and jewelry and lord knows what else. I also make these comic book decoupage things and have recently commissioned them to a comic book store and a hipster coffee shop/record store. And I am really excited about it!
Check out my Etsy link on the side to see more of my stuff. You may be wondering when I sleep as I also work 50+ hours a week. The short answer is that I don’t. I also don’t have things that the rest of you have, like children, significant others, pets, friends, etc.
How does my work differ from others in this genre?
Hmm… Well, my experiences are truly unusual and my own. Other than that, I guess I am probably not much different. Maybe not as good? Check out my commenters for some very hilarious and interesting blogs.
Why do I write what I do?
I guess I just want to share the shame of my life with others. It does feel good to get these stories out of me. And I love knowing that I am entertaining total strangers all over the world. So, that’s pretty cool. No matter how many posts I write, my list of stories to write never seems to get any shorter.
How does my writing process work?
I know we are in a judgement free zone and I can be honest about that with you guys. I have a super nerdy lapdesk that I use with my laptop. I sit on my couch and always have something playing in the background. I do a Harry Potter movie marathon and a Lord of the Rings movie marathon about once a month.
Don’t judge. I love those movies, the soundtracks are amazing to write to, and I don’t have to pay close attention the way I would with something I’ve never seen. Lately I have been on a real Simon Pegg kick. By the way, writing anything to any movie soundtrack makes you feel fucking epic. Try it. I highly recommend John Williams. He’s the man behind Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, Jaws, and Star Wars.
There’s no real other process. I write pretty much every day. Sometimes it is crap and I delete it. Sometimes it is crap and I save it to try to fix later. Sometimes it’s good enough for what I am trying to do. And sometimes, I am so pleased with something that I want to print it out on a t-shirt and wear it around for everyone to know what I wrote. Those are the best days.
I’m going to link to some bloggers that I think really just need to get more play. No matter how much they are getting; it is not enough. Check them out, comment all up in their business, love each other, whatever.
If you guys want to answer the questions; inquiring minds want to know. Otherwise, don’t worry about it. I’ll still like you all.
My second day in Seattle, we took the bus to Portland. Remember when I mentioned that I was a pain in the ass to travel with? Well, it was a four hour bus ride and I was car sick the whole way. Even after taking my nausea pills.
It was nice to have so much down time to really talk to my sister. But the very first thing I did in Portland was find a bush to vomit into. A kind lady stopped to ask if I was okay. Portland’s a friendly city.
Portland is beautiful. And interesting. But I honestly did not have a great time there. I don’t blame the city. I was tired and cranky and sick. My sister and I only knew a few things to do. And we had no car, which meant a lot of walking. Which made me even more cranky. Yes, I am the worst.
But J and I did meet up with Dave from Dave’s Corner of the Universe. He is another one of my blogger friends. And if you like sci-fi or comics and don’t read him then you are missing out. His blog is genius. Seriously, genius.
We ate at a food truck and then went to Powell’s books. I don’t even know how long we were in there. Hours. It was huge and amazing and there were so many freakin’ books!
After Powell’s J and I walked down to Voodoo Doughnuts. I don’t know quite how to say this, so I am going to get it out fast. I hate doughnuts. And pastries, pies, cakes, and candy. I have no excuse for myself. I really only like chocolate.
But these doughnuts were like eating baby unicorns in a rainbow sauce of sunshine and happiness. It was like Lisa Frank all up in my mouth.
I had the maple bacon bar and the Mexican hot chocolate. And a taste of J’s roommates apple fritter.
I had seriously eaten one bite of the maple bacon bar and I wanted to go back inside and buy a second one. But unfortunately the line was too long and we couldn’t wait forever.
Because we had to go see Mill Ends Park! Please read about it on wikipedia. It is one of my favorite things ever. It is the world’s smallest public park. And I loved it.
By this point we had barely enough time to eat dinner and catch the bus home. I took my back pain meds as I was ready to lay down in the street and die by this point in the day.
I slept the whole way back to J’s place.