It’s the D word

So, I know I have been away for a bit. I am actually shocked by how long ago my last post was. I really wish I could say I was doing something fun. But in reality I have been trapped in the hellscape of my own mind known as depression.

 

It’s actually super weird to even say that word in this blog because I rarely talk about it. Even in my real life with my actual friends that I love and trust. But here goes; I have been depressed for the past two weeks. And the thing about depression for me is: I don’t even realize it at first. I just feel tired and sad and I lose all my normal excitement over the things I love.

 

And that is a total fucking dick move. Because the things I love, like writing, reading, crafting, and cooking are things that might actually have the power to help me feel at least a little better. But I can’t do them. So I do nothing.

 

And then I feel bad for doing nothing. And that turns into some other whole huge guilt thing like I owe the world my productivity.

 

Usually when I am sad I can still muster up some humor for this blog. Or I have a backlog of stories and can post one and pretend I am fine. I am good at pretending I am fine. But that didn’t happen this time either.

 

This time I did nothing. When I realized what was happening, I actually told someone about it. Like, while it was happening…for the first time in my entire life. That first person I told was super cool and supportive (as always, D). And then I told someone else, my sister J, who was also super cool and supportive.

 

And everybody just let me be sad so it was this whole weird snowball thing where I suddenly now feel like I can talk about it on this blog which is really where I have always wanted to wind up. It’s kind of like having a superpower. But instead of telekinesis I can actually talk about my feelings like a human being.

 

It isn’t a big deal, but at the same time it kind of feels like the hugest deal ever. I know most of you will know exactly what I mean. Which is good because I am not being very articulate right now.

 

Just when I was feeling better emotionally I caught a cold. I have spent the last two days sleeping or watching romantic comedies which are really one of the worst things on Earth. I am not sure why I watch them when I am sick.

 

When I am not sick romantic comedies usually make me feel repulsed and bored and uncomfortable. It is nothing but sexism and the same boring plot in every single fucking one. Throw in some creepy stalking and offensive stereotypes and there you have the romantic comedy. So who knows why I watch them when I don’t feel well, but I do. I am ashamed of my Netflix recently watched queue at the moment.

 

I promise I am not done telling stories and being ‘funny.’ I have so much more to talk about on here. But for now, I am going to end with one quick story:

 

I am a “what if” person. One of my ex’s used to say I would hypothetical him to death. I was even like that growing up.

 

My father used to interrupt my barrage of ‘what ifs’ with the same response every time. He’d say “What if the moon was made of green cheese and mice could fly?”

 

This was his nicest possible way of getting me to shut the hell up. But it really invited more questions for me.

 

I mean, the moon isn’t even green. And cheese isn’t green. And how could the moon be made out of dairy products if there were no cows in space?

 

Also, what kind of flying were the mice doing? If they could fly like a bird then the moon was probably safe because they wouldn’t be able to survive in space. I mean, it’s not like you ever hear of birds in space.

 

If mice had personal spacecraft that they could use to breach our atmosphere then I think we would have bigger problems than them eating the moon. What the hell does the moon do for us anyway? Something to do with the ocean tides?

 

Do mice even like cheese?

 

And that was usually when my father would tell me to shut the hell up. And I would. But seriously, what kind of crazy ass thing is that to say to someone? Did anyone else’s parents say that to them?

 

Sisterhood

Apparently, I got nominated for an award. Because that happens literally every time I leave for a while. So thank you to Ann of Ann St. Vincent fame for nominating me for The Sisterhood of the World Award. I love being a part of a (good) family, and though I have a lot of sisters, five of them actually, but I can always use more since I am only currently speaking to one of them.

Image result for sister of the world award

I guess I have to answer some questions and some of them are about sex. Sorry to everyone that knows me in real life…

 

  1. What is your favorite sexual position?

 

I am not trying to cop out here. But this completely depends on my partner’s size and shape. And I don’t just mean their penis (though it is mostly their penis size). A chubby person will be better with certain positions that a thin person. Anybody that has had a painful bony pelvis grinding into theirs or had their cervix repeatedly stabbed by a huge dick knows what I am saying.

 

  1. If you and your 10 year old self met and had a talk what would she say to you?

 

I think she’d be proud of me for making a safe space for myself and finding the strength to deal with everything I have been through and coming out happy on the other side. Also, she’d probably super impressed with my actually cute glasses, semi flattering hair, and huge boobs. None of which I ever thought I would manage to achieve. Go me!

 

  1. What is the first bit of writing you did outside of school/homework?

 

I always had diaries and notebooks full of secret stories and ideas from a very young age. My siblings and I also used to make all kinds of mean little illustrated books about each other. I am trying to find one for a blog post.

 

  1. What is your favorite song now?

 

This is too hard. Like trying to pick a favorite food. And it depends on my mood. I like Bruises by Chairlift. Band of Horses reminds me so much of going to Mt Rainier with my sister that I can barely listen to them because it makes me so melancholy, but I do all the time anyway. I love Wicked Way by Ben Taylor. Sight of the Sun by Fun. I have a lot of favorites. I also recently found two great things to masturbate to if you need some lady jams. Any Spanish guitar music and Jessica by The Allman Brothers.

 

  1. If you could tell the world just one thing what would it be?

 

One thing is a lot of pressure. But I guess this: nobody is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. And if they are then they can fuck right off and get the hell out of your life. Seriously.

 

  1. Which period of history had the best clothing?

 

I still have my fingers crossed for the future. I’m thinking like, light up high top jet shoes, silver jumpsuits, goggles. Maybe men and women wearing each others clothes more often and without any ridicule or judgement.  But if you are making me go with the past then I choose a time when we all went naked. That was probably pretty cool.

 

  1. What makes you suddenly and disproportionately cross?

 

I mostly get cross about things worth getting cross over. But it really bothers me when people don’t mix their beverage with their food properly. I try to keep it to myself and do a pretty good job of not freaking out on someone. But I hate in old movies when people are eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner with milk. Or my dad’s girlfriend one time ordered a tuna sandwich with a coffee. That shit does NOT go together!!

 

  1. How good are you at keeping secrets?

 

Pretty good? I am really bad at knowing what is supposed to be a secret, though. You people need to tell me when things are secrets.

 

  1. Do you have a pet?

 

No. I tried to adopt a cat. It was a long haired Maine Coon and I loved her. But I guess I am allergic and I had to give her to my brother. Now I just go and stare at the animals in PetSmart like some sort of lonely, affection starved freak.

 

  1. If you could invent anything what would it be?

 

Hmmm. I really want to invent something cool. But I would invent an empathy machine. Though I think Douglas Adams had one in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. But damn, that needs to exist. Does that even count since I just realized it wasn’t my idea? Oh well. How about my light up high top jet shoes mentioned above?

 

And now I’m supposed to nominate some people which I just hate doing so much. It’s so much pressure. Here’s who I nominate. Feel free to not participate.

 

I nominated people that I wish I had as sisters but will happily have as friends.

 

  1. Debbie from MoreThanSweetPotatoes
  2. Leah from TransplantedtotheSouth
  3. Aussa from Hacker.Hooker.Ninja.Spy.
  4. Jana from StopMeIfIToldYouThis
  5. Sharn from Spankalicious
  6. Samara from ABuickintheLandofLexus
  7. Gunmetal Geisha

And thanks again to Ann who I would have totally nominated had she not nominated me.

Hello World

I am back! And possibly, but likely not, better than ever. I finished my book a whole day early (a Herculean effort considering my past month). And now I am going to bore you with the details! You’re all so very lucky.

 

I chose March because I think November is a bad month what with all the vacations and family oriented holidays to distract me. Well, just the one holiday, I guess. And I don’t even spend it with my family. But you guys know what I mean.

 

It turns out March was a horrible month to pick. The world seemed against me writing this novel. The VERY first fucking day of March, my father decided he HAD to bring me a book shelf I had bought from an estate sale 3 months previously. Go figure. I’d only asked him to bring it to me a dozen times.

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Yes, that is a giant Bette Davis oil painting I rescued from being thrown in the trash. And the bookshelf.

 

The following weekend was his birthday, and despite my efforts to get out of it, I got guilted into going. And I am glad I did. Because I found out his age, which is 69. The most hilarious age. And his 70+ year old girlfriend made some incest jokes to her grandchildren. Plus I got to hang out with her daughter, S, who I simply adore. She has a great name that I cannot share. But let’s just say it would be like naming someone something like Windy Meadow.

 

Then my boss went on vacation and left me in charge despite me begging him not to. My job got so frustrating while he was away I got the closest I have ever been to quitting a job without actually quitting. And I am pretty big on quitting. Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

At some point I fell more than 10,000 words behind. It’s hard to come back from that. But I did. And with a day to spare. Want to know my secret? Manic obsessive writing for hours at a time. Overly descriptive language. And no contractions.

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Yes, V, I DID take a pic of my computer screen with my phone and then emailed it to myself. I knew you’d appreciate that.

 

In complete desperation, I found a third movie I could watch while writing. The original Star Wars series. I have to admit, I need a break from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings after 31 days. I also attempted many many other films but most of them were not a good fit for my writing.

 

Maybe some of you are wondering how my novel turned out. Well, not great. But decent. I actually immediately deleted the last one I wrote for NaNoWriMo because I knew it wasn’t salvageable. But this one is going to be worth editing and fixing.

 

I had the idea for the plot in a dream. The dream was actually some weird thing about Pangea. But when I woke up I knew, in the way you do with dreams, that it had actually been about revenge and deicide.

 

I went through stages with the novel. I loved the plot. But after about two weeks I started to hate it. Then I started hating it less. Then I thought it might actually be decent. Then I apparently really missed being “funny” (like I clearly am on this blog)  and threw in some comedy that may or may not make the final cut. And now I think, it has good bones and is an interesting story. So there you go.

 

Also, I crafted very, very little during the past 31 days. Like, the least I ever have in my entire life. I finished the novel  late Monday evening and immediately grabbed up my crochet hook like a junkie missing a fix. I finished crocheting  a rug yesterday. I missed crafting.

 

And I am so glad to be back. I had plenty of other fun experiences to tell you guys about during the last month and I am going to Arizona on vacation next week. But most importantly, I realized how much my little WordPress community means to me. You guys are awesome. Thanks for being there for me.

 

Very “Inspiring” Blogger

Vic of JustPlainOlVic nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger award. I am not sure exactly what I inspire him to do, but I am not one to argue with getting an award. He says I am his muse but I am too scared to ask exactly what I am inspiring him to go do.

I’m supposed to tell seven things about me. And that is tough because my whole blog is just random shit about me. So I think I will make this more fun for you and easier for me and tell you seven times I was so very wrong about something.

 

  1. Song lyrics: Not only am I wrong a lot of the time. I often prefer my own lyrics (because I am conceited)  and will intentionally sing it incorrectly. It’s as annoying as it sounds. For example: Dancing in the Moonlight the lyrics are “you and me endlessly.” But I’m like “you and me and Leslie” because I prefer to think of him having a three way dance with his girl and whoever Leslie is. I’ll also sing multiple parts or chorus’ or even the instrumental parts. I’m the worst.

 

  1. Our company holiday party was two weekends ago and I kind of got lost. But I finally found it. And parked. And went to the ballrooms trying to find my party. And then went to the front desk looking for my party. I was pretty embarrassed to learn I was at the completely wrong hotel. In my defense, they were both from the same hotel group and started with the same letter. But still…

 

  1. My first act as a supervisor at my current job, I had to put someone on a final. Which is the last step before a termination of employment. I called my new employee of one week in and had him hang out until my boss was available to sit down with us and issue the final. The employee sweated it out for about 2o min with me, awkwardly making small talk,  until my boss walked in and told me I had pulled aside the wrong guy. I got so embarrassed I thought I was going to cry.

 

  1. I didn’t know what an exotic dancer was until I was 15 or 16. I thought it meant a flamenco dancer or something…you know…exotic. My brother told me and I didn’t believe him. But the internet settled that one really quickly.

 

  1. Once when I was 21 my father had a cardiac event and was hospitalized. I got a frantic message on my phone from my mother and rushed down to the ER. They couldn’t find my father and I threw the biggest fit I think I ever have in my entire life. I was yelling in the ER at the check in nurse about how irresponsible they were to lose a patient. And how I couldn’t believe people trusted them with their lives. They called around and finally found him for me. He was in a different hospital. In a different hospital provider group. In a different county.

 

  1. I was at a previous job, painting houses, and I was out in the yard trimming back a bush. I thought it was covered with Virginia Creepers. I basically touched it all over my hands, arms, face, neck. Then my boss came running over to stop me. It was poison ivy. And that’s how I found out that I am immune to it. Thankfully.

 

  1. I could mention basically every guy I have ever dated for this one. But it’s a cheap shot and I am above such things.

So thank you Vic for the nomination. I know I am supposed to nominate more people but I really don’t feel like it.  I decided some time this year to stop doing things I don’t feel like doing. Like eating right, exercising, or being around toxic assholes. And I am much happier for it.

Blog Love

I think I am officially back from having my…emotional difficulties. While I was away I was nominated for multiple blogging awards. I think the lesson here is that the less I blog, the more awards I get. I’ll keep that in mind for future reference. Be patient and I will respond to all of them. It is a little overwhelming right now.

So, first, Eva from  the Tattoo Tourist nominated for a blogging award. I love her blog and her and apparently the feeling is mutual so we are in a common law blogger marriage or something. I’m not sure how all of that works. She’s better at legalities, which is what makes us such a great couple.

And now; to the questions…

1. What is the main purpose of your blog?

I used to think this blog was just a means to entertain myself and offset the sadfest that my other blog tends to be. But now I am seeing the value of sharing these stories as well. It sneakily somehow became one of the most fullfilling things in my life.

2. What are your three favorite blogs?

This is hard and I don’t like leaving people out. I like A LOT of blogs. I read a lot of blogs (though I have been horribly slacking lately). So, instead I will share my favorite genital related blogs because I am in a vagina-y mood (when am I not, right?). These are all NSFW.

 

Vagina Pagina: I know it’s LiveJournal and the formatting annoys the shit out of me. But I have laughed until I cried reading it. Top favs of mine to read are: Stained Undies. And Vagina Foods. Also their Vulvapedia is genius. If you haven’t guessed it is very very graphic.

 

Sexis: I’m sure all of you have read this because it is The Bloggess and she is my hero. But this sex column was the first thing I ever read by her. And this article is the first one I ever read. And I fell in love instantly. I also love her sex quizzes.

 

OhJoySexToy: This is a gorgeously drawn comic blog that does reviews of sex toys. They are funny, cute, wonderfully candid, open minded and accepting. It is basically everything I love in the world in one place. Their reviews are my favorite thing about the site. But they have some great Sex ed comics too. This one on Consent is a favorite for me to direct my partners to.

3. What is the weirdest/most controversial blog post you have written?

I don’t really feel like anything I write is that weird. I mean, it’s all just me. I think my ‘weirdest’ one was this one, about dyeing my armpit and pubic hairs. But my favorite one so far was the vagina fingering story. I don’t know, what do you guys think is the weirdest one?

4. Are you writing a book or screenplay? If so what is it about and will you try to publish it?

I have written several books (all terrible) and at least a novel’s worth of short stories. Plus poetry and my other blog. I am currently working on a novel right now that I am very pleased with. It is about monsters and childhood and growing up in an abusive home. It is a horror type of story. I would be happier than I can express to get it published someday.

5. Eggnog, yes or no? Followed by rum or brandy?

I fucking hate milk and eggnog. It repulses me. I’ve never had brandy. Rum is my deal! My favorite drink right now is Kraken rum (originally bought for the tentacled octopus on the label) with coke and a splash of Disaronno amaretto. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper and makes me feel so relaxed.

6. How do you feel about questionnaires?

I feel like nobody cares about my answers and I am pretty conceited to think anyone even reads this shit. But I love reading everyone else’s because I am endlessly fascinated by other people. Also, I am totally creepy and like peeping into your lives.

7. Will you blog forever or is there a cutoff point? If so, why?

Unless I become immortal, I will definitely stop blogging someday. However, if I can live forever I will need to make it a point to keep being dumb so I can entertain all of you forever. But I have no intentions of stopping any time soon.

8. Have any of your blog readers sent you something in the mail? And if so what?

Leah sent me three lovely, handmade hats. And I sent her three handmade bracelets. Also, I got uncountable goat accoutrement for Aussa from bloggers to send to her. And Debbie painted me a picture, but she gave it to me in person. But you guys should still know about it, because she is like some kind of wizard who is good at everything. If I missed anyone please tell me so I can brag about your awesomeness!

9. Boxers or briefs?

This depends on a lot of different factors. At work I wear men’s briefs because they are extra comfy and my job can be very physical. At home I wear women’s bikinis or thongs depending on my day and outfit. At night I wear men’s boxer briefs around the house or to bed sometimes. My favorite two pairs are: purple with glow in the dark skulls and lime green and covered with insects. They are fucking adorable. And I want more cutesy underwears like them.

10. Secret nicknames or pet names.

Um…None are secret. I get called a lot of things. Amazon. Wonder Woman. The Terminator (both for the way I dump men and the way I fire them at work). I get called a robot a lot (though that isn’t really a nickname). My favorite is Amazon Firing Machine.

 

I know I am supposed to do more with this thing, but I am not going to. Sorry, rules. Thanks again for the nomination!

Adventures in Blogging

I’m doing a picture heavy post today:

 

I had an adventure with the lovely and hilarious Debbie from morethansweetpotatoes. If you haven’t read her blog, go read it. And if you are a dude in South Florida, step up your game. She is awesome.

 

As I have previously mentioned, I am not very funny in person. Mostly just awkward. But I gave her fair warning so she knew what to expect.

 

We met at an animal sanctuary called Arnold’s Wildlife Rehabilitation Center. I warned her that the drive in was down a bunch of creepy back roads. But then you turn a corner and it is like some kind of children’s movie with deer and peacocks and butterflies.

If you live near here, please take the trip.

If you live near here, please take the trip.

 

I know there are a lot of jokes about all the bugs in Florida. It’s love bug season here right now. There were so many that one flew into my open mouth while I was singing. A second one splattered on my glasses. And yes, I do have a windshield.

 

The carnage.

The carnage.

 

This place is in the middle of a bunch of cow farms and dilapidated buildings that look like something out of a horror movie. Debbie is a very brave and adventursome woman. I don’t think I would have been willing to meet up with an internet stranger in the middle of nowhere. Especially after all my serial killer jokes.

 

Yeah... This was a gun shop on my way there.

Yeah… This was a gun shop on my way there.

 

 

And miles and miles of this as far as you can see. Perfect murdering conditions.

And miles and miles of this as far as you can see. Perfect murdering conditions.

 

But once you get there. It is a crazy zoo of animals roaming free. Mostly exotic. I took lots of pictures.

 

There were about 15 peacocks all doing their awesome cry. If you haven’t heard it, please look it up. It’s kind of disturbing and kick-ass.

 

He was kind of pissy, actually.

He was kind of pissy, actually.

 

 

He kept hugging his tail. I think he had anxieties.

He kept hugging his tail. I think he had anxieties.

 

This guy looked like a muppet.

This guy looked like a muppet.

 

We weren’t allowed to pet any of the animals as they apparently ALL bite. But after asking, we were allowed to bottle feed two adorable fawns!

I just wanted to squeeze it to death!

I just wanted to squeeze it to death!

 

Debbie’s seemed to prefer suckling my finger to drinking it’s bottle. Maybe my finger tastes amazing. I don’t know.

 

Then we drove out to Lake Okeechobee and picked our way down through the rocks to touch the lake. I am not very graceful and I have terrible balance. I looked more like a drunken giraffe stumbling my way down. I even had to get on all fours at one point to avoid potentially killing myself.

 

Lake Okeechobee selfie with Debbie.

Lake Okeechobee selfie with Debbie.

And after that we had some BBQ. Which I am obsessed with. So it was a pretty perfect day.

 

PS I was so tempted to name this post ‘Debbie does Lake Okeechobee.’ You’re welcome.