Shooting

I know I promised you guys more Tucson stories. And I do have more. But I don’t feel like talking about that today for some reason. Instead I am going to tell you about an exciting adventure I had back in February.

 

Many of you know (or should know) Vic from JustPlainOlVic. He is one of my best bros in real life. He also reads every blog post I write because he is awesome and cool and supportive like that.

 

So he KNOWS what is up with me. It is rare for my real life people to read my blog. And yet, for some strange reason, he decided he was going to take me shooting.

 

Yes, me. The person that dropped a steak knife off a balcony. The person that cut my thumb off in a car door. The person that swallowed a piece of glass. And tried to pull my brace off with pliers. Vic was going to hand ME a loaded weapon and then stand next to me.

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Readers, if you don’t read his blog, you need to start. He is apparently one of the bravest men I have ever met. I don’t even trust me with a loaded weapon. I get nervous when I am using a knife. And I believe I have mentioned how irresponsible and obnoxious I get with toy guns.

 

I was freaking out for weeks leading up to the event. What if I dropped it and shot myself in the foot? What if I forgot it was a real gun and shot Vic? What if something in my brain snapped and I went on a murder spree? (It could happen, you don’t know).

 

The day of he showed up at my door and went over gun safety with me. He was all business and guns in my apartment. I was trying to be serious, because I know gun safety is serious. But I have a hard time being appropriate.

 

Vic is a serious gun owner and he taught me everything I know about gun safety. And whatever I don’t know is my fault, not his.

 

And then we went to the shooting range!

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Where I learned all about gun safety again.

 

And then it was time. He showed me how to set up and fire the two guns he brought for me. He showed me how to reload a clip. And then, there was nothing else I could do to stall him any more.

 

We set up a target 25 feet away. It was a man shaped target which I felt a bit weird about. I would much rather shoot something cool like Godzilla or a velociraptor. Which is what I pretended to do the whole time. I even wore my Jurassic Park shirt to get myself in the right mood.

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Vic had brought me a hand gun and a pistol. Both of which shot .22 caliper. Because I am ambidextrous, I was not sure which hand would be better to shoot with. So I tried both.

 

I found that both were equally comfortable and that I much preferred the digital sight on the rifle. I was so proud of myself that I took the target home and am going to frame it.

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I think it will go nicely in my bathroom. Maybe make some people think twice about messing with me. While they are using my toilet.

 

And I didn’t even shoot anyone. Or drop a hot shell down my top.

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Afterwards, I took Vic out for steaks as a thank you. All we were missing were the cigars and glasses of scotch. We were the manliest of men on that day.


Hopefully, I didn’t behave too badly and he will take me again soon because he has a shotgun I have my eye on shooting next (hint hint).

Hello World

I am back! And possibly, but likely not, better than ever. I finished my book a whole day early (a Herculean effort considering my past month). And now I am going to bore you with the details! You’re all so very lucky.

 

I chose March because I think November is a bad month what with all the vacations and family oriented holidays to distract me. Well, just the one holiday, I guess. And I don’t even spend it with my family. But you guys know what I mean.

 

It turns out March was a horrible month to pick. The world seemed against me writing this novel. The VERY first fucking day of March, my father decided he HAD to bring me a book shelf I had bought from an estate sale 3 months previously. Go figure. I’d only asked him to bring it to me a dozen times.

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Yes, that is a giant Bette Davis oil painting I rescued from being thrown in the trash. And the bookshelf.

 

The following weekend was his birthday, and despite my efforts to get out of it, I got guilted into going. And I am glad I did. Because I found out his age, which is 69. The most hilarious age. And his 70+ year old girlfriend made some incest jokes to her grandchildren. Plus I got to hang out with her daughter, S, who I simply adore. She has a great name that I cannot share. But let’s just say it would be like naming someone something like Windy Meadow.

 

Then my boss went on vacation and left me in charge despite me begging him not to. My job got so frustrating while he was away I got the closest I have ever been to quitting a job without actually quitting. And I am pretty big on quitting. Life is too short to be unhappy.

 

At some point I fell more than 10,000 words behind. It’s hard to come back from that. But I did. And with a day to spare. Want to know my secret? Manic obsessive writing for hours at a time. Overly descriptive language. And no contractions.

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Yes, V, I DID take a pic of my computer screen with my phone and then emailed it to myself. I knew you’d appreciate that.

 

In complete desperation, I found a third movie I could watch while writing. The original Star Wars series. I have to admit, I need a break from Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings after 31 days. I also attempted many many other films but most of them were not a good fit for my writing.

 

Maybe some of you are wondering how my novel turned out. Well, not great. But decent. I actually immediately deleted the last one I wrote for NaNoWriMo because I knew it wasn’t salvageable. But this one is going to be worth editing and fixing.

 

I had the idea for the plot in a dream. The dream was actually some weird thing about Pangea. But when I woke up I knew, in the way you do with dreams, that it had actually been about revenge and deicide.

 

I went through stages with the novel. I loved the plot. But after about two weeks I started to hate it. Then I started hating it less. Then I thought it might actually be decent. Then I apparently really missed being “funny” (like I clearly am on this blog)  and threw in some comedy that may or may not make the final cut. And now I think, it has good bones and is an interesting story. So there you go.

 

Also, I crafted very, very little during the past 31 days. Like, the least I ever have in my entire life. I finished the novel  late Monday evening and immediately grabbed up my crochet hook like a junkie missing a fix. I finished crocheting  a rug yesterday. I missed crafting.

 

And I am so glad to be back. I had plenty of other fun experiences to tell you guys about during the last month and I am going to Arizona on vacation next week. But most importantly, I realized how much my little WordPress community means to me. You guys are awesome. Thanks for being there for me.

 

Very “Inspiring” Blogger

Vic of JustPlainOlVic nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger award. I am not sure exactly what I inspire him to do, but I am not one to argue with getting an award. He says I am his muse but I am too scared to ask exactly what I am inspiring him to go do.

I’m supposed to tell seven things about me. And that is tough because my whole blog is just random shit about me. So I think I will make this more fun for you and easier for me and tell you seven times I was so very wrong about something.

 

  1. Song lyrics: Not only am I wrong a lot of the time. I often prefer my own lyrics (because I am conceited)  and will intentionally sing it incorrectly. It’s as annoying as it sounds. For example: Dancing in the Moonlight the lyrics are “you and me endlessly.” But I’m like “you and me and Leslie” because I prefer to think of him having a three way dance with his girl and whoever Leslie is. I’ll also sing multiple parts or chorus’ or even the instrumental parts. I’m the worst.

 

  1. Our company holiday party was two weekends ago and I kind of got lost. But I finally found it. And parked. And went to the ballrooms trying to find my party. And then went to the front desk looking for my party. I was pretty embarrassed to learn I was at the completely wrong hotel. In my defense, they were both from the same hotel group and started with the same letter. But still…

 

  1. My first act as a supervisor at my current job, I had to put someone on a final. Which is the last step before a termination of employment. I called my new employee of one week in and had him hang out until my boss was available to sit down with us and issue the final. The employee sweated it out for about 2o min with me, awkwardly making small talk,  until my boss walked in and told me I had pulled aside the wrong guy. I got so embarrassed I thought I was going to cry.

 

  1. I didn’t know what an exotic dancer was until I was 15 or 16. I thought it meant a flamenco dancer or something…you know…exotic. My brother told me and I didn’t believe him. But the internet settled that one really quickly.

 

  1. Once when I was 21 my father had a cardiac event and was hospitalized. I got a frantic message on my phone from my mother and rushed down to the ER. They couldn’t find my father and I threw the biggest fit I think I ever have in my entire life. I was yelling in the ER at the check in nurse about how irresponsible they were to lose a patient. And how I couldn’t believe people trusted them with their lives. They called around and finally found him for me. He was in a different hospital. In a different hospital provider group. In a different county.

 

  1. I was at a previous job, painting houses, and I was out in the yard trimming back a bush. I thought it was covered with Virginia Creepers. I basically touched it all over my hands, arms, face, neck. Then my boss came running over to stop me. It was poison ivy. And that’s how I found out that I am immune to it. Thankfully.

 

  1. I could mention basically every guy I have ever dated for this one. But it’s a cheap shot and I am above such things.

So thank you Vic for the nomination. I know I am supposed to nominate more people but I really don’t feel like it.  I decided some time this year to stop doing things I don’t feel like doing. Like eating right, exercising, or being around toxic assholes. And I am much happier for it.

Sex Story

You guys probably remember from my last post that I recently met Ann St. Vincent. She has convinced me to tell a sex story as a guest post on her blog. I don’t normally talk about my sex life. And am actually pretty nervous. So, if you know me in real life or just don’t want to think about me having sex, do not click here. Or if you maybe lived with me when this all happened *cough cough J*. Otherwise; you’ve been warned.

Adventures in Blogging

I’m doing a picture heavy post today:

 

I had an adventure with the lovely and hilarious Debbie from morethansweetpotatoes. If you haven’t read her blog, go read it. And if you are a dude in South Florida, step up your game. She is awesome.

 

As I have previously mentioned, I am not very funny in person. Mostly just awkward. But I gave her fair warning so she knew what to expect.

 

We met at an animal sanctuary called Arnold’s Wildlife Rehabilitation Center. I warned her that the drive in was down a bunch of creepy back roads. But then you turn a corner and it is like some kind of children’s movie with deer and peacocks and butterflies.

If you live near here, please take the trip.

If you live near here, please take the trip.

 

I know there are a lot of jokes about all the bugs in Florida. It’s love bug season here right now. There were so many that one flew into my open mouth while I was singing. A second one splattered on my glasses. And yes, I do have a windshield.

 

The carnage.

The carnage.

 

This place is in the middle of a bunch of cow farms and dilapidated buildings that look like something out of a horror movie. Debbie is a very brave and adventursome woman. I don’t think I would have been willing to meet up with an internet stranger in the middle of nowhere. Especially after all my serial killer jokes.

 

Yeah... This was a gun shop on my way there.

Yeah… This was a gun shop on my way there.

 

 

And miles and miles of this as far as you can see. Perfect murdering conditions.

And miles and miles of this as far as you can see. Perfect murdering conditions.

 

But once you get there. It is a crazy zoo of animals roaming free. Mostly exotic. I took lots of pictures.

 

There were about 15 peacocks all doing their awesome cry. If you haven’t heard it, please look it up. It’s kind of disturbing and kick-ass.

 

He was kind of pissy, actually.

He was kind of pissy, actually.

 

 

He kept hugging his tail. I think he had anxieties.

He kept hugging his tail. I think he had anxieties.

 

This guy looked like a muppet.

This guy looked like a muppet.

 

We weren’t allowed to pet any of the animals as they apparently ALL bite. But after asking, we were allowed to bottle feed two adorable fawns!

I just wanted to squeeze it to death!

I just wanted to squeeze it to death!

 

Debbie’s seemed to prefer suckling my finger to drinking it’s bottle. Maybe my finger tastes amazing. I don’t know.

 

Then we drove out to Lake Okeechobee and picked our way down through the rocks to touch the lake. I am not very graceful and I have terrible balance. I looked more like a drunken giraffe stumbling my way down. I even had to get on all fours at one point to avoid potentially killing myself.

 

Lake Okeechobee selfie with Debbie.

Lake Okeechobee selfie with Debbie.

And after that we had some BBQ. Which I am obsessed with. So it was a pretty perfect day.

 

PS I was so tempted to name this post ‘Debbie does Lake Okeechobee.’ You’re welcome.

 

I was nominated for something!?

Apparently, Amanda, over at  the Fake Gourmet was nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award. I am not sure why, but that lovely lady decided to nominate me. (Thank you very much for doing so). I had never heard of this thing before either, much like her, so I did some investigating.

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Sweet!

Apparently, this award is supposed to go to bloggers that are positive and inspire creativity. I am not too sure I do that. I mostly think I entertain with many many embarrassing moments. Basically I am the grown up version of Seventeen magazine’s traumarama. Sometimes our punchlines are even the same; “and then I got my period.”

And my super secret crush was there.

But I appreciate the nomination and will now bore you with answering the 10 questions in excruciating detail because you people have no idea of who you are dealing with. One does not simply answer a question like a normal person.

 

Here goes:

 

1. Why did you start blogging?

This is a really long complicated answer. I love to write very much and had been wanting to start a blog for some time. I kept want to do a craft blog because I have a ridiculous amount of crafty hobbies. But then I suddenly decided to start blogging anonymously about some of my problems. In doing so, I realized I also had a lot of funny stories that I wanted people to know too. But I didn’t think it fit with my original blog, so I started this one. I may still do a craft blog in the future. But for right now I like to imagine that I am an archaeologist of my own mind. Excavating and preserving memories right here for what I hope is your amusement.

 

2. Sweet or Savoury?

Savoury (does that even have a ‘u’ in it?). I get mad cravings all the time, which I am pretty sure means my body is not getting the right combination of nutrients. But I want things like steak, really dark organic chocolate, apples, homemade buttered popcorn with nutritional yeast. I know, I’m not only incredibly specific in my cravings, I am insanely picky.

Sweet fancy Moses, yes!

3. If you were to go on any reality TV programme, what would it be and why?

Hmm… I really like that show Oddities. I want an exploded skull. And some jewelry made from human teeth. That show is amazing and I would live in that shop.  I always hear that my place is some combination of a mad scientist’s lab, a witch doctor’s hut, a gypsy caravan and a yoga retreat. (I’ll post pics some time). And I can live with that.

This would be so cool!

4. What was the last thing you Googled?

Before trying to learn about the Sunshine Blogger Award? This is one of those things that could have turned out really badly because I look up weirdo stuff. I couldn’t live in society if people could see my Google search history. But the last thing I looked up was a favorite online comic of mine. It’s called Secret Garden by Hark! A Vagrant. (I don’t want to do a link without her permission but it makes me laugh no matter how many times I read it).

 

5. Night In or Night Out?

Luckily, I like having a night in. Being single, reclusive, and socially awkward keeps me home most nights. Hence the ridiculous amount of crafty hobbies. Not to mention two blogs.

 

6. What has been your favorite blog post to write?

Ooh. I have really liked writing a few. Probably either Microscopic or Rotten Potato Smell. I actually made myself laugh in writing both of them.

 

7. What’s the one thing you never leave home without?

Chapstick. I am obsessed. I can’t go one day without it. I have been exclusively using Whole Foods’ organic tangerine for several years. I believe it is an addiction. I am always wearing it. If I see someone putting chapstick on, I have to put some on. And this has gone on since I was 10.

That’s the stuff.

8. Where would you most like to travel to?

New Zealand. I love the accents and the scenery. Plus, as a bit of a LoTR fan, the fact that it was filmed there is an added bonus. Or Bali. It’s also supposed to be a beautiful country and I am really into plants. They have an interesting cross section of Australian and Asian plants.

Who wouldn’t want to go here?

Or here?

9. If you could have any super power, what would it be?

This is a great question to ask a comic book/sci-fi nerd like me. I don’t even think I could pick one. Probably telekinesis; the ability to move things with my mind. And clairvoyance; the ability to predict the future. But I would be afraid that nobody would believe me if I had clairvoyance. The Cassandra complex is the number 3 most common theme in my nightmares.

 

10. What can we expect to find from your blog in the future?

Probably more of the same. I don’t seem to be slowing down in making poorly thought out decisions, currently. And I haven’t even come close to telling all the ones from my past and childhood.

So, there you go. Probably way more information than anyone ever wanted. Thanks again for the nomination!