Hello everyone! I reviewed a book! And I totally did not even swear. Nor did I want to. I must be growing as a person. Go read it here.
I know I promised you guys more Tucson stories. And I do have more. But I don’t feel like talking about that today for some reason. Instead I am going to tell you about an exciting adventure I had back in February.
Many of you know (or should know) Vic from JustPlainOlVic. He is one of my best bros in real life. He also reads every blog post I write because he is awesome and cool and supportive like that.
So he KNOWS what is up with me. It is rare for my real life people to read my blog. And yet, for some strange reason, he decided he was going to take me shooting.
Yes, me. The person that dropped a steak knife off a balcony. The person that cut my thumb off in a car door. The person that swallowed a piece of glass. And tried to pull my brace off with pliers. Vic was going to hand ME a loaded weapon and then stand next to me.
Readers, if you don’t read his blog, you need to start. He is apparently one of the bravest men I have ever met. I don’t even trust me with a loaded weapon. I get nervous when I am using a knife. And I believe I have mentioned how irresponsible and obnoxious I get with toy guns.
I was freaking out for weeks leading up to the event. What if I dropped it and shot myself in the foot? What if I forgot it was a real gun and shot Vic? What if something in my brain snapped and I went on a murder spree? (It could happen, you don’t know).
The day of he showed up at my door and went over gun safety with me. He was all business and guns in my apartment. I was trying to be serious, because I know gun safety is serious. But I have a hard time being appropriate.
Vic is a serious gun owner and he taught me everything I know about gun safety. And whatever I don’t know is my fault, not his.
And then we went to the shooting range!
Where I learned all about gun safety again.
And then it was time. He showed me how to set up and fire the two guns he brought for me. He showed me how to reload a clip. And then, there was nothing else I could do to stall him any more.
We set up a target 25 feet away. It was a man shaped target which I felt a bit weird about. I would much rather shoot something cool like Godzilla or a velociraptor. Which is what I pretended to do the whole time. I even wore my Jurassic Park shirt to get myself in the right mood.
Vic had brought me a hand gun and a pistol. Both of which shot .22 caliper. Because I am ambidextrous, I was not sure which hand would be better to shoot with. So I tried both.
I found that both were equally comfortable and that I much preferred the digital sight on the rifle. I was so proud of myself that I took the target home and am going to frame it.
I think it will go nicely in my bathroom. Maybe make some people think twice about messing with me. While they are using my toilet.
And I didn’t even shoot anyone. Or drop a hot shell down my top.
Afterwards, I took Vic out for steaks as a thank you. All we were missing were the cigars and glasses of scotch. We were the manliest of men on that day.
Hopefully, I didn’t behave too badly and he will take me again soon because he has a shotgun I have my eye on shooting next (hint hint).
Alright everyone. I am going to be doing my own little NaNoWriMo next month. Yes I know it’s officially in November, but if I followed silly things like rules I wouldn’t be the success I am now.
But NaNoWriMo means I’ll be taking a break from my blogs, and my friends, and even my crafting (that’s how you know I am so serious about it).
I promise I will be back in April. I have lots of stories left to tell. And more upcoming adventures where I am sure I will manage to maim myself or others (or both!).
So this is my last blog post until next month. And it isn’t even funny. But, since it IS Thursday; I’ll give you a little something to remember me by. A throwback Thursday photo of when I was thin and miserable and had the worst god damn hair cut in the history of the world.
And if any of you find that you cant live without me, I am only an email away.
Vic of JustPlainOlVic nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger award. I am not sure exactly what I inspire him to do, but I am not one to argue with getting an award. He says I am his muse but I am too scared to ask exactly what I am inspiring him to go do.
I’m supposed to tell seven things about me. And that is tough because my whole blog is just random shit about me. So I think I will make this more fun for you and easier for me and tell you seven times I was so very wrong about something.
- Song lyrics: Not only am I wrong a lot of the time. I often prefer my own lyrics (because I am conceited) and will intentionally sing it incorrectly. It’s as annoying as it sounds. For example: Dancing in the Moonlight the lyrics are “you and me endlessly.” But I’m like “you and me and Leslie” because I prefer to think of him having a three way dance with his girl and whoever Leslie is. I’ll also sing multiple parts or chorus’ or even the instrumental parts. I’m the worst.
- Our company holiday party was two weekends ago and I kind of got lost. But I finally found it. And parked. And went to the ballrooms trying to find my party. And then went to the front desk looking for my party. I was pretty embarrassed to learn I was at the completely wrong hotel. In my defense, they were both from the same hotel group and started with the same letter. But still…
- My first act as a supervisor at my current job, I had to put someone on a final. Which is the last step before a termination of employment. I called my new employee of one week in and had him hang out until my boss was available to sit down with us and issue the final. The employee sweated it out for about 2o min with me, awkwardly making small talk, until my boss walked in and told me I had pulled aside the wrong guy. I got so embarrassed I thought I was going to cry.
- I didn’t know what an exotic dancer was until I was 15 or 16. I thought it meant a flamenco dancer or something…you know…exotic. My brother told me and I didn’t believe him. But the internet settled that one really quickly.
- Once when I was 21 my father had a cardiac event and was hospitalized. I got a frantic message on my phone from my mother and rushed down to the ER. They couldn’t find my father and I threw the biggest fit I think I ever have in my entire life. I was yelling in the ER at the check in nurse about how irresponsible they were to lose a patient. And how I couldn’t believe people trusted them with their lives. They called around and finally found him for me. He was in a different hospital. In a different hospital provider group. In a different county.
- I was at a previous job, painting houses, and I was out in the yard trimming back a bush. I thought it was covered with Virginia Creepers. I basically touched it all over my hands, arms, face, neck. Then my boss came running over to stop me. It was poison ivy. And that’s how I found out that I am immune to it. Thankfully.
- I could mention basically every guy I have ever dated for this one. But it’s a cheap shot and I am above such things.
So thank you Vic for the nomination. I know I am supposed to nominate more people but I really don’t feel like it. I decided some time this year to stop doing things I don’t feel like doing. Like eating right, exercising, or being around toxic assholes. And I am much happier for it.
I think I am officially back from having my…emotional difficulties. While I was away I was nominated for multiple blogging awards. I think the lesson here is that the less I blog, the more awards I get. I’ll keep that in mind for future reference. Be patient and I will respond to all of them. It is a little overwhelming right now.
So, first, Eva from the Tattoo Tourist nominated for a blogging award. I love her blog and her and apparently the feeling is mutual so we are in a common law blogger marriage or something. I’m not sure how all of that works. She’s better at legalities, which is what makes us such a great couple.
And now; to the questions…
1. What is the main purpose of your blog?
I used to think this blog was just a means to entertain myself and offset the sadfest that my other blog tends to be. But now I am seeing the value of sharing these stories as well. It sneakily somehow became one of the most fullfilling things in my life.
2. What are your three favorite blogs?
This is hard and I don’t like leaving people out. I like A LOT of blogs. I read a lot of blogs (though I have been horribly slacking lately). So, instead I will share my favorite genital related blogs because I am in a vagina-y mood (when am I not, right?). These are all NSFW.
Vagina Pagina: I know it’s LiveJournal and the formatting annoys the shit out of me. But I have laughed until I cried reading it. Top favs of mine to read are: Stained Undies. And Vagina Foods. Also their Vulvapedia is genius. If you haven’t guessed it is very very graphic.
Sexis: I’m sure all of you have read this because it is The Bloggess and she is my hero. But this sex column was the first thing I ever read by her. And this article is the first one I ever read. And I fell in love instantly. I also love her sex quizzes.
OhJoySexToy: This is a gorgeously drawn comic blog that does reviews of sex toys. They are funny, cute, wonderfully candid, open minded and accepting. It is basically everything I love in the world in one place. Their reviews are my favorite thing about the site. But they have some great Sex ed comics too. This one on Consent is a favorite for me to direct my partners to.
3. What is the weirdest/most controversial blog post you have written?
I don’t really feel like anything I write is that weird. I mean, it’s all just me. I think my ‘weirdest’ one was this one, about dyeing my armpit and pubic hairs. But my favorite one so far was the vagina fingering story. I don’t know, what do you guys think is the weirdest one?
4. Are you writing a book or screenplay? If so what is it about and will you try to publish it?
I have written several books (all terrible) and at least a novel’s worth of short stories. Plus poetry and my other blog. I am currently working on a novel right now that I am very pleased with. It is about monsters and childhood and growing up in an abusive home. It is a horror type of story. I would be happier than I can express to get it published someday.
5. Eggnog, yes or no? Followed by rum or brandy?
I fucking hate milk and eggnog. It repulses me. I’ve never had brandy. Rum is my deal! My favorite drink right now is Kraken rum (originally bought for the tentacled octopus on the label) with coke and a splash of Disaronno amaretto. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper and makes me feel so relaxed.
6. How do you feel about questionnaires?
I feel like nobody cares about my answers and I am pretty conceited to think anyone even reads this shit. But I love reading everyone else’s because I am endlessly fascinated by other people. Also, I am totally creepy and like peeping into your lives.
7. Will you blog forever or is there a cutoff point? If so, why?
Unless I become immortal, I will definitely stop blogging someday. However, if I can live forever I will need to make it a point to keep being dumb so I can entertain all of you forever. But I have no intentions of stopping any time soon.
8. Have any of your blog readers sent you something in the mail? And if so what?
Leah sent me three lovely, handmade hats. And I sent her three handmade bracelets. Also, I got uncountable goat accoutrement for Aussa from bloggers to send to her. And Debbie painted me a picture, but she gave it to me in person. But you guys should still know about it, because she is like some kind of wizard who is good at everything. If I missed anyone please tell me so I can brag about your awesomeness!
9. Boxers or briefs?
This depends on a lot of different factors. At work I wear men’s briefs because they are extra comfy and my job can be very physical. At home I wear women’s bikinis or thongs depending on my day and outfit. At night I wear men’s boxer briefs around the house or to bed sometimes. My favorite two pairs are: purple with glow in the dark skulls and lime green and covered with insects. They are fucking adorable. And I want more cutesy underwears like them.
10. Secret nicknames or pet names.
Um…None are secret. I get called a lot of things. Amazon. Wonder Woman. The Terminator (both for the way I dump men and the way I fire them at work). I get called a robot a lot (though that isn’t really a nickname). My favorite is Amazon Firing Machine.
I know I am supposed to do more with this thing, but I am not going to. Sorry, rules. Thanks again for the nomination!
You guys probably remember from my last post that I recently met Ann St. Vincent. She has convinced me to tell a sex story as a guest post on her blog. I don’t normally talk about my sex life. And am actually pretty nervous. So, if you know me in real life or just don’t want to think about me having sex, do not click here. Or if you maybe lived with me when this all happened *cough cough J*. Otherwise; you’ve been warned.