Sisterhood

Apparently, I got nominated for an award. Because that happens literally every time I leave for a while. So thank you to Ann of Ann St. Vincent fame for nominating me for The Sisterhood of the World Award. I love being a part of a (good) family, and though I have a lot of sisters, five of them actually, but I can always use more since I am only currently speaking to one of them.

Image result for sister of the world award

I guess I have to answer some questions and some of them are about sex. Sorry to everyone that knows me in real life…

 

  1. What is your favorite sexual position?

 

I am not trying to cop out here. But this completely depends on my partner’s size and shape. And I don’t just mean their penis (though it is mostly their penis size). A chubby person will be better with certain positions that a thin person. Anybody that has had a painful bony pelvis grinding into theirs or had their cervix repeatedly stabbed by a huge dick knows what I am saying.

 

  1. If you and your 10 year old self met and had a talk what would she say to you?

 

I think she’d be proud of me for making a safe space for myself and finding the strength to deal with everything I have been through and coming out happy on the other side. Also, she’d probably super impressed with my actually cute glasses, semi flattering hair, and huge boobs. None of which I ever thought I would manage to achieve. Go me!

 

  1. What is the first bit of writing you did outside of school/homework?

 

I always had diaries and notebooks full of secret stories and ideas from a very young age. My siblings and I also used to make all kinds of mean little illustrated books about each other. I am trying to find one for a blog post.

 

  1. What is your favorite song now?

 

This is too hard. Like trying to pick a favorite food. And it depends on my mood. I like Bruises by Chairlift. Band of Horses reminds me so much of going to Mt Rainier with my sister that I can barely listen to them because it makes me so melancholy, but I do all the time anyway. I love Wicked Way by Ben Taylor. Sight of the Sun by Fun. I have a lot of favorites. I also recently found two great things to masturbate to if you need some lady jams. Any Spanish guitar music and Jessica by The Allman Brothers.

 

  1. If you could tell the world just one thing what would it be?

 

One thing is a lot of pressure. But I guess this: nobody is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. And if they are then they can fuck right off and get the hell out of your life. Seriously.

 

  1. Which period of history had the best clothing?

 

I still have my fingers crossed for the future. I’m thinking like, light up high top jet shoes, silver jumpsuits, goggles. Maybe men and women wearing each others clothes more often and without any ridicule or judgement.  But if you are making me go with the past then I choose a time when we all went naked. That was probably pretty cool.

 

  1. What makes you suddenly and disproportionately cross?

 

I mostly get cross about things worth getting cross over. But it really bothers me when people don’t mix their beverage with their food properly. I try to keep it to myself and do a pretty good job of not freaking out on someone. But I hate in old movies when people are eating meatloaf and mashed potatoes for dinner with milk. Or my dad’s girlfriend one time ordered a tuna sandwich with a coffee. That shit does NOT go together!!

 

  1. How good are you at keeping secrets?

 

Pretty good? I am really bad at knowing what is supposed to be a secret, though. You people need to tell me when things are secrets.

 

  1. Do you have a pet?

 

No. I tried to adopt a cat. It was a long haired Maine Coon and I loved her. But I guess I am allergic and I had to give her to my brother. Now I just go and stare at the animals in PetSmart like some sort of lonely, affection starved freak.

 

  1. If you could invent anything what would it be?

 

Hmmm. I really want to invent something cool. But I would invent an empathy machine. Though I think Douglas Adams had one in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. But damn, that needs to exist. Does that even count since I just realized it wasn’t my idea? Oh well. How about my light up high top jet shoes mentioned above?

 

And now I’m supposed to nominate some people which I just hate doing so much. It’s so much pressure. Here’s who I nominate. Feel free to not participate.

 

I nominated people that I wish I had as sisters but will happily have as friends.

 

  1. Debbie from MoreThanSweetPotatoes
  2. Leah from TransplantedtotheSouth
  3. Aussa from Hacker.Hooker.Ninja.Spy.
  4. Jana from StopMeIfIToldYouThis
  5. Sharn from Spankalicious
  6. Samara from ABuickintheLandofLexus
  7. Gunmetal Geisha

And thanks again to Ann who I would have totally nominated had she not nominated me.

Very “Inspiring” Blogger

Vic of JustPlainOlVic nominated me for a Very Inspiring Blogger award. I am not sure exactly what I inspire him to do, but I am not one to argue with getting an award. He says I am his muse but I am too scared to ask exactly what I am inspiring him to go do.

I’m supposed to tell seven things about me. And that is tough because my whole blog is just random shit about me. So I think I will make this more fun for you and easier for me and tell you seven times I was so very wrong about something.

 

  1. Song lyrics: Not only am I wrong a lot of the time. I often prefer my own lyrics (because I am conceited)  and will intentionally sing it incorrectly. It’s as annoying as it sounds. For example: Dancing in the Moonlight the lyrics are “you and me endlessly.” But I’m like “you and me and Leslie” because I prefer to think of him having a three way dance with his girl and whoever Leslie is. I’ll also sing multiple parts or chorus’ or even the instrumental parts. I’m the worst.

 

  1. Our company holiday party was two weekends ago and I kind of got lost. But I finally found it. And parked. And went to the ballrooms trying to find my party. And then went to the front desk looking for my party. I was pretty embarrassed to learn I was at the completely wrong hotel. In my defense, they were both from the same hotel group and started with the same letter. But still…

 

  1. My first act as a supervisor at my current job, I had to put someone on a final. Which is the last step before a termination of employment. I called my new employee of one week in and had him hang out until my boss was available to sit down with us and issue the final. The employee sweated it out for about 2o min with me, awkwardly making small talk,  until my boss walked in and told me I had pulled aside the wrong guy. I got so embarrassed I thought I was going to cry.

 

  1. I didn’t know what an exotic dancer was until I was 15 or 16. I thought it meant a flamenco dancer or something…you know…exotic. My brother told me and I didn’t believe him. But the internet settled that one really quickly.

 

  1. Once when I was 21 my father had a cardiac event and was hospitalized. I got a frantic message on my phone from my mother and rushed down to the ER. They couldn’t find my father and I threw the biggest fit I think I ever have in my entire life. I was yelling in the ER at the check in nurse about how irresponsible they were to lose a patient. And how I couldn’t believe people trusted them with their lives. They called around and finally found him for me. He was in a different hospital. In a different hospital provider group. In a different county.

 

  1. I was at a previous job, painting houses, and I was out in the yard trimming back a bush. I thought it was covered with Virginia Creepers. I basically touched it all over my hands, arms, face, neck. Then my boss came running over to stop me. It was poison ivy. And that’s how I found out that I am immune to it. Thankfully.

 

  1. I could mention basically every guy I have ever dated for this one. But it’s a cheap shot and I am above such things.

So thank you Vic for the nomination. I know I am supposed to nominate more people but I really don’t feel like it.  I decided some time this year to stop doing things I don’t feel like doing. Like eating right, exercising, or being around toxic assholes. And I am much happier for it.

Blog Love

I think I am officially back from having my…emotional difficulties. While I was away I was nominated for multiple blogging awards. I think the lesson here is that the less I blog, the more awards I get. I’ll keep that in mind for future reference. Be patient and I will respond to all of them. It is a little overwhelming right now.

So, first, Eva from  the Tattoo Tourist nominated for a blogging award. I love her blog and her and apparently the feeling is mutual so we are in a common law blogger marriage or something. I’m not sure how all of that works. She’s better at legalities, which is what makes us such a great couple.

And now; to the questions…

1. What is the main purpose of your blog?

I used to think this blog was just a means to entertain myself and offset the sadfest that my other blog tends to be. But now I am seeing the value of sharing these stories as well. It sneakily somehow became one of the most fullfilling things in my life.

2. What are your three favorite blogs?

This is hard and I don’t like leaving people out. I like A LOT of blogs. I read a lot of blogs (though I have been horribly slacking lately). So, instead I will share my favorite genital related blogs because I am in a vagina-y mood (when am I not, right?). These are all NSFW.

 

Vagina Pagina: I know it’s LiveJournal and the formatting annoys the shit out of me. But I have laughed until I cried reading it. Top favs of mine to read are: Stained Undies. And Vagina Foods. Also their Vulvapedia is genius. If you haven’t guessed it is very very graphic.

 

Sexis: I’m sure all of you have read this because it is The Bloggess and she is my hero. But this sex column was the first thing I ever read by her. And this article is the first one I ever read. And I fell in love instantly. I also love her sex quizzes.

 

OhJoySexToy: This is a gorgeously drawn comic blog that does reviews of sex toys. They are funny, cute, wonderfully candid, open minded and accepting. It is basically everything I love in the world in one place. Their reviews are my favorite thing about the site. But they have some great Sex ed comics too. This one on Consent is a favorite for me to direct my partners to.

3. What is the weirdest/most controversial blog post you have written?

I don’t really feel like anything I write is that weird. I mean, it’s all just me. I think my ‘weirdest’ one was this one, about dyeing my armpit and pubic hairs. But my favorite one so far was the vagina fingering story. I don’t know, what do you guys think is the weirdest one?

4. Are you writing a book or screenplay? If so what is it about and will you try to publish it?

I have written several books (all terrible) and at least a novel’s worth of short stories. Plus poetry and my other blog. I am currently working on a novel right now that I am very pleased with. It is about monsters and childhood and growing up in an abusive home. It is a horror type of story. I would be happier than I can express to get it published someday.

5. Eggnog, yes or no? Followed by rum or brandy?

I fucking hate milk and eggnog. It repulses me. I’ve never had brandy. Rum is my deal! My favorite drink right now is Kraken rum (originally bought for the tentacled octopus on the label) with coke and a splash of Disaronno amaretto. It tastes like a Dr. Pepper and makes me feel so relaxed.

6. How do you feel about questionnaires?

I feel like nobody cares about my answers and I am pretty conceited to think anyone even reads this shit. But I love reading everyone else’s because I am endlessly fascinated by other people. Also, I am totally creepy and like peeping into your lives.

7. Will you blog forever or is there a cutoff point? If so, why?

Unless I become immortal, I will definitely stop blogging someday. However, if I can live forever I will need to make it a point to keep being dumb so I can entertain all of you forever. But I have no intentions of stopping any time soon.

8. Have any of your blog readers sent you something in the mail? And if so what?

Leah sent me three lovely, handmade hats. And I sent her three handmade bracelets. Also, I got uncountable goat accoutrement for Aussa from bloggers to send to her. And Debbie painted me a picture, but she gave it to me in person. But you guys should still know about it, because she is like some kind of wizard who is good at everything. If I missed anyone please tell me so I can brag about your awesomeness!

9. Boxers or briefs?

This depends on a lot of different factors. At work I wear men’s briefs because they are extra comfy and my job can be very physical. At home I wear women’s bikinis or thongs depending on my day and outfit. At night I wear men’s boxer briefs around the house or to bed sometimes. My favorite two pairs are: purple with glow in the dark skulls and lime green and covered with insects. They are fucking adorable. And I want more cutesy underwears like them.

10. Secret nicknames or pet names.

Um…None are secret. I get called a lot of things. Amazon. Wonder Woman. The Terminator (both for the way I dump men and the way I fire them at work). I get called a robot a lot (though that isn’t really a nickname). My favorite is Amazon Firing Machine.

 

I know I am supposed to do more with this thing, but I am not going to. Sorry, rules. Thanks again for the nomination!

Wait…Again?

Okay, so I got nominated for another blogger award. The Liebster Award. Which is weird. What is going on in the universe?

I’m talking about having sex with cartoons and being on my period! But you know what; it gives me more satisfaction than anything else in my life. Thank you to the charming Sarah at Two Three Or Not Two Three for nominating me. I truly appreciate it.

And then, before the Liebster Award has even gone cold in it’s grave, I got nominated for another one, the One Lovely Blog Award. This time by the witty Steph over at We Don’t Chew Glass. Which is funny because I nominated her below. Feel the love, bloggers!

And now to the questions!

1. How long have you been blogging?

Since October of last year. So, 5 months? Look at me, I didn’t think anybody would want to read my bizarre shit. Thanks guys!

2. What inspired you to start your blog?

I think I answered this on my last award questionnaire. So I am going to plagiarize myself here:

This is a really long complicated answer. I love to write very much and had been wanting to start a blog for some time. I kept want to do a craft blog because I have a ridiculous amount of crafty hobbies. But then I suddenly decided to start blogging anonymously about some of my problems. In doing so, I realized I also had a lot of funny stories that I wanted people to know too. But I didn’t think it fit with my original blog, so I started this one. I may still do a craft blog in the future. But for right now I like to imagine that I am an archaeologist of my own mind. Excavating and preserving memories right here for what I hope is your amusement.

3. What is your favorite color?

This is going to make me sound so crazy, but I love every color except for neons and pastels. And I have different favorite colors for different things. Clothes, houses, electronic devices. In general though, I guess purple?

4. What is your all time favorite movie?

Yikes. I can’t pick one. I seriously love movies. I would need a top 50 or a top 10 directors. Can I do top 5? Of course I can, this is my blog. These movies pick me up no matter how bad my day was. And I will watch them over and over again.

1. The Philadelphia Story (1940)- Picture this Cary Grant, James Stewart, Katherine Hepburn and directed by George Cukor. It’s amazing!

2. Be Kind, Rewind (2008)- This is one of those movies that I can watch a million times.

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)- If you haven’t seen this, stop reading my blog and go watch it. Now!

4. Stranger Than Fiction (2006)- My favorite Will Ferrell movie. Nothing like anything else he has ever been in.

5. Harold and Maude (1971)- This is the most romantic and lovely movie ever.

5. When do you typically work on your blog?

I work a lot of hours at my job. Most days I come home and write for at least an hour. Some nights I come home and spend the rest of the night reading blogs, commenting, writing. And weekends. I have no life, relationship, or children. My free time is my own.

6. Coffee, tea, or neither?

Up until this past year, I had only had coffee twice. And I hated it. Then I discovered iced mocha lattes. I only have one about once a week because I don’t want to get addicted. But I am a tea fanatic. I have a serious collection. I like hot herbal tea with honey when I don’t feel well. And iced black tea or iced herbal tea (sweetened with honey) any time. It’s pretty much all I drink besides water.

7. Is writing a career or a hobby for you?

I don’t get paid to write, if that’s what you are asking. Though I would love to. I tend to be a bit obsessive and writing has always been one of my biggest ones. I write two blogs, essays, short fiction, fiction novels, poetry, and I am working on a graphic novel with more in mind. I write a lot. I would love for it to be a career someday.

8. What do you love most in this world?

Remember when I said I had a list for everything? I have one for this too. I’ll just do top 5 again:

1. Reading. Anything and everything (except romance, sports or finance). My favorites are sci-fi, horror, anything about diseases and food politics.

2. Writing. See above

3. Eating. I love food. Cooking, baking, grilling. And then eating the results! I am particularly fond of BBQ, salads and smoothies.

4. Music and movies. This could be ten posts so I won’t even go there.

5. Crafting. I have too many hobbies. Which I will eventually share with you here.

6. Okay, I had to sneak in one more. My little sister, J. If you are reading this; I love you more than sleep but less than books. (sleep would be #7).

9. Can you share something that you have learned recently?

I watch a lot of TEDTalks. They are amazing and everyone should watch them. Anyone there is one on Netflix about Life Hacks. And I learned that I have been tying my shoes wrong my whole life. Watch it here. It’s only 3 minutes long. If you are reading my blog, you have 3 minutes.

10. Where is your favorite place to shop online?

I probably shop the most on Amazon (who doesn’t?). But I LOVE Etsy. I could spend my life looking and millions of dollars on that stuff. Also, I sell my crafts on there (shameless plug, sorry).

11. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Hmm. People touching me without permission? Men telling me to smile? I think I have a lot of them that relate to inequality. Or in general. I try not to let my neuroses affect others, though. My issues are my own. But seriously, don’t touch me.

I am supposed to nominate 11 bloggers with under 500 followers. So, let’s see…

1. writer B is me

3. A redheads guide

4. Transplanted to the South

5. Gunmetal Geisha

6. We Don’t Chew Glass

7. A Buick in the Land of Lexus (I can’t figure out how many followers she has, my apologies if it is more than 500)

8. Stop Me If I Told You This

9. Come Up Higher

10. Damsal Interrupted

11. Swimming to my 50s

There were many others I wanted to nominate, but they had too many followers. Not surprisingly. And I am fine with them answering the same questions I did. I’m lazy like that. Go forth bloggers and know that you are appreciated. Or don’t bother participating, you are all still awesome either way.