Updated as I think of more:
The other day I was in a workshop (for work) and we had to choose our motto for our lives. Some people had a hard time with this, they didn’t know what their motto was. Or they wanted something all encompassing enough.
I had a hard time with this because I have many, many mottos that I live by. All of them were learned through hard, bitter experience. Time and time again.
Luckily for you, I have been collecting them and will impart my hard won wisdom to all of you now. As a side note, this may be beginning of an ill-conceived book of dating advice…
If you’re looking for something, you’re going to find it:
I don’t need to invade someone’s privacy to know they are cheating. If you are making me suspicious, you are already doing something wrong. I am the least suspicious person. I don’t even care if you aren’t actually cheating. If I don’t trust you, then you aren’t being trustworthy. I don’t need that. If you are at the point of snooping through someone’s email, cell phone, Facebook, etc; save yourself the trouble and dump them
When you try to surprise someone, you usually wind up surprising yourself:
I don’t like surprises. Don’t show up at my house unexpectedly; you aren’t going to like what you find. Make sure you want to know what someone is doing when you aren’t around. Make sure you can handle whatever they may be doing when you try to surprise them. This can, and has, ended many a relationship.
If it isn’t the right time, then it isn’t the right person:
Have you ever asked someone out and they say something like “I’m not ready to date again.” Or, “I’m really focusing on my work/family/blog right now.” Those people are just being misleading. They don’t want to date you. And two months later you run into them outside of a Tijuana Flats and they are with their new girlfriend who is 5’4” and wears a size 6 and has long, flowing blonde hair and probably doesn’t talk about diseases all the time. It wasn’t that they weren’t ready or too busy. They just didn’t like you. And that’s okay. Because not everyone likes everyone else.
Not everyone likes everyone else:
Don’t take it personally. It isn’t you. Unless nobody ever likes you, then maybe it is you. Send me a picture and a bio and I’ll let you know.
Never underestimate the power of the shiny toy syndrome:
This is one that encompasses all areas of life. Have you ever noticed, when you are single, nobody is interested in you? It’s like you contracted leprosy and everyone knows about it but you. But then, as soon as you get into a relationship, people are asking you out everywhere you go. People that knew you when you were single suddenly confess that they’ve “always liked you.” It’s because you are unavailable now. And you have that new relationship smell that is irresistible.
If someone is upset about “blank” they are rarely upset about “blank”:
Let’s say you used to work in customer service and someone calls you up because they are upset that your company has started charging more for the same service. They are so upset that they yell at you and angrily threaten you over the phone. They curse in a way that surprises even you (with your dirty whore mouth). You calm them down and talk to them about it and even find a way to save them some money with your company. They apologize for being so upset and suddenly start crying. They just found out their mom has been diagnosed with cancer/they lost their job today/ they had to put their dog to sleep/other horrible stressful thing. Multiply that by 1,000. Very few things in life are worth being that upset over. Few things are about what you’re even talking about.
Nothing is so bad that it can’t get worse:
This is the one I chose as my life motto in that workshop. It sounds bad, but it is actually really positive to me. For example: having 5 heart surgeries sucked ass. But, at least we caught it in time for me to have them. I’m not dead. I have health insurance that allowed me to afford all those surgeries. I don’t need 6 heart surgeries. So yeah, it could always get worse.
If I had wanted a child, I would have had one:
When someone (friends, family, dates) start acting immature and childish, this is what I say. I don’t have kids for a reason. If I had wanted to deal with temper tantrums, immaturity, children that only want to play video games instead of cooking, cleaning, or contributing in any way; I would have had a baby to care for. No thank you.
Everyone wants to see everyone else naked:
I don’t care who you are, and I don’t care who is naked. Admit it. You want to see it. It’s natural human curiosity.
Doing the right thing rarely benefits you:
You know what sucks? Being the bigger person. Doing the right thing. Unfortunately, being a mature, responsible adult, leads you to behave this way. And it allows everyone around you to remain childish jerks. But hey, at least you get to sleep well at night, feeling smugly superior in your adult-ness.
Obligation is the worst reason to ever do anything:
As soon as you stop doing things because you are obligated and start doing them because you want to, you’ll be a much happier person. Trust me on this one.
Scorched earth policy:
I have one rule. Once I say I am never speaking to you again; I am NEVER speaking to you again. Not a text. Not an email. I won’t answer the phone. You can’t goad me into it. You can’t trick me into it. I won’t even talk to you to remind you that I am never speaking to you again. If I see you in person and you talk to me, I will act like I didn’t see you. If you get up in my face and try to confront me, I will walk around you with no expression on my face. Don’t fuck with me. Don’t piss me off. Or you are dead to me. And death is forever.
Once a Catholic, always a Catholic:
Let me preface this by saying that I have known and loved many Catholics. But, in my experience, no matter how far removed someone is from their religion. There are always concepts they can’t seem to shake. Usually some kind of hang up (usually sexual) that they just can’t get over it. But they are totally amazing people and I tend to really go for them. Go figure.
Only boring people are bored:
There are an unlimited amount of things to do and learn and experience on this planet. The only limitation you have is your imagination and your budget. Unless they invent an immortality serum in my lifetime, I will not live long enough to do everything I want to do. I am never bored. And I think anyone that still has a sense of wonder about the world feels the same way.
Everyone deserves a second chance, nobody deserves a third:
I think this one is pretty self explanatory. People makes mistakes. But don’t let them make the same mistake over and over again.
Everyone on the entire planet is 20 minutes away from sex:
I don’t care who you are or what you look like. You are 20 minutes away from sex at any given time. It just depends on your own standards. So stop bitching about not getting laid. You are making that choice.
You aren’t responsible for other people’s emotions:
All you can do is be honest and kind with other people (and yourself). You cant control how someone reacts to anything you say. So stop trying to spare everyone else’s feelings. Just manage your own. We are all grown ups here. (Unless you are under 18. In which case, um, this might not be an appropriate blog for you). Let’s treat each other like it.
Your feelings don’t obligate anyone to anything:
No matter how you feel, nobody has the responsibility to make you stop feeling that way, or to keep you feeling that way. It’s nice when other people co-operate. But they don’t have to. They are choosing to. Try to appreciate that. Also, feelings aren’t a contract. Forever isn’t a thing. Nobody is going to feel any way forever. Appreciate it while it’s happening.
Always take the high road:
When relationships end, people tend to want to be as hurtful as possible. Try to not engage in that kind of behavior. The relationship is over. Be grateful for what they were able to be for you and move on. Something better is going to be out there.
You are the expert on your own life:
No explanation needed. Never let anyone tell you different.
If it is creepy for a man to do to a woman; it is creepy for a woman to do to a man:
I like to switch the gender roles of things that don’t resonate well with me. This test usually helps me to figure out why. And it works for issues with people of the same gender too. Try it sometime.
Be kind, you aren’t living someone else’s life:
Sometimes people are dicks for no discernible reason. Maybe they are just mean people. Maybe you have caught them on the worst day of their entire life. This is what I tell myself every day when I am driving. Maybe they cut me off because they are inconsiderate but maybe it’s because they are going through a family emergency or a personal crisis. Either way, it doesn’t hurt me to be kind to them. Unless it does, then they can go fuck themselves.
The end of a relationship is rarely a bad thing:
I have witnessed many breakups and have been the impetus for all of them in my own life. Usually people get all sad and cry and then they eventually heal and move on and find someone better. If one person is unhappy enough to end things, the relationship should end. If one person doesn’t want to be in a relationship, the relationship should end. And everyone will be better off for it. Even if you are currently alone, as I am. I would rather be alone than be back in any of my previous relationships.
The ‘friendzone’ is not a thing:
Women are not codices. If you combine the right number of kind deeds and friendly behaviors you will not unlock the key to her heart or, if we are being honest here, the key to her vagina (because there is no way you value her as a human being if you think your “hard work” will be rewarded with her affections). Either she wants to date you or she doesn’t. If she doesn’t but still wants you in her life then you are lucky enough to have found a friend. Appreciate it for what it is and stop expecting it to ever be more. That does not make you a nice guy, it makes you an entitled asshole. While I am on it, I hate the phrase ‘just friends.’ As if friendship is *just* the consolation prize. Friendship is amazing.
Genuinely want what is best for your loved ones:
You should want what is best for your everyone in your life. And only they know what is best for them. No matter how much you disagree. If you love someone, you should support their decision to make themselves happy (unless they are mentally ill, then you should get them help).
It’s not personal:
It is rare for something to be personal. Almost nothing is about you, as a person. Unless you are an insufferable asshole, the world is probably not out to get you (even if you are one, it probably isn’t out to get you). People do things for their own reasons. Reasons that have everything to do with them and very little to do with you.