Blood and Urine

Whew! I am back and ready to talk more about bodily fluids!

 

You guys may be asking yourself what I have been doing for the past month and a half. Well… I finished my novel. Like, finished finished. I turned 31. I got a new job. I made some jewelry. I found some new blogs to creep on that fill me with feminist rage. In short, I’ve been busy.

 

Incidentally, if anyone wants to read my novel and give me feedback please email me. I would appreciate it.

 

And now, to the story!

 

When I was a kid, I shared a room with my sister J. But when I was even younger, like 7ish, I shared a room with J and my brother T. Actually, J and I shared a bed. And a pillow. That’s right, I did not even have my own pillow.

 

One night while we were sleeping (I always made her sleep on the inside because I am a bit claustrophobic) I had a lovely dream. I dreamt I was on the toilet, urinating.

 

Unfortunately, when I woke up, I found that I had peed the bed. The downside of sharing a bed with someone is that if they pee the bed then you get peed on. And J got peed on. A lot. She still reminds me of it sometimes. I imagine it wasn’t as funny to her as it was to me.

 

We had to change the sheets. And mattress pad. And take a bath. All in the middle of the night.

 

I have not peed the bed, or myself ever since.

 

Until recently. Because I had the Essure procedure last year I have noticed a weakening of my pelvic floor. It is actually very common as women age and especially after giving birth. But mine started a few months after my procedure.

 

Image result for essure springs

The springs all up in my tubes

Basically what happens is that when I have to urinate, it is an emergency. I don’t notice needing to go more frequently, just more urgently.

 

I have had a few close calls where I barely made it to the bathroom on time. And maybe a few times where a few drops came out on the bathroom floor instead of into the toilet bowl. (I know I am coming back strong and with my typical class).

 

Today I was on my period. And for some reason, using my Diva Cup tends to put pressure on my bladder, which does make me have to go more frequently. These two things were the perfect combination for disaster.

 

Image result for diva cup

The cup all up in my vaginal canal

I was sitting on the couch, rewatching Supernatural and minding my own business. I suddenly felt a warm wetness in my underwear. I actually thought my Diva Cup had overflowed and was leaking out into my underwear. It happens sometimes during heavy flow days.

 

I pulled my underwear down to check and saw that I was peeing. I didn’t even feel like I had to go. But there I was, actually peeing myself.

 

I ran to the bathroom. I left a trail of urine like Hansel and Gretel through the forest. Only that wasn’t a trail any woodland creatures would want to follow.

Image result for hansel and gretel breadcrumb trail

Only with urine.

I took a shower and wiped the urine up off my floors. Thankfully they are fake wood and not carpet. I fucking hate carpet, but that is a rant for another time.
Unfortunately,  I had also peed all over my couch. So I cleaned it as best as I could and am now sitting on a towel. Like a sick cat. (Thanks to Debbie for that hilarious phrase.)

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29 thoughts on “Blood and Urine

  1. Like a sick cat, lol!
    When I was pregnant, my couch was so toweled! Now I just like a recently vacated bladder before I laugh heartily. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.
    Sorry for your misfortune :/

  2. I had the peeing dream thing happen to me at summer camp once. Either I had industrial strength pajama bottoms on, or I just woke up and dashed for the bathroom THAT FAST, because I didn’t get my sleeping bag wet at all. I did, however, have to wash my pjs and underwear in secret at 3am. Luckily my cabin-mates all slept like the dead, so no one was the wiser.

    The worst part was that the dream itself was amazingly enjoyable. I really don’t get why dreaming about peeing is so satisfying, but I totally remember feeling like a million bucks as I widdled away on my dream toilet.

    Then you wake up and your good mood is ruined because you have to do stupid goddamn laundry. :/

  3. I totally get you. Ever since I had my second kid, when I need to pee, I need to pee NOW. I’ve had very close calls, where I didn’t even get my pants off fast enough and I’ve left a few drops in my pants, or like you, dribbles on the floor. I also had a wonderful dream about peeing in my sleep once. I’m sure my husband enjoyed that.

    although, I caught him peeing in the dryer once, and another time the oven, both times drunk. So maybe it evens out?

      • I nearly killed him. And then I handed him gloves and that industrial strength oven cleaner stuff, the one that will burn a hole in your skin if you get it on you, and told him to get to work.

  4. I also dream peed the bed on more than one occasion when I was younger. Usually, I would semi-wake up with the urge to go, but I was so tired, and so warm and toasty, that I would lay there for “a few minutes” and then I’d dream that I got up and went to the bathroom to pee. It’s so weird not to trust your own dreams. I have sex dreams about my ex these days and always wake in a panic, thinking I’ve done something very stupid.

  5. email me that book – stat! And I have a friend who is working on a fashionable ultrathin adult diapers that look like panties – I think you could be a perfect spokesmodel/model. “The most blunt woman in the world talks about everything single part of her body and what comes out of it”. Still working up the pitch/slogan.

  6. Pingback: Back (look I did a pun) | Cursitivity

  7. Pingback: Physical Therapy | Cursitivity

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