Tiger Balm

Back by popular demand, more stories about my privates! Yay! I feel like I will just never run out of stories of terrible things happening to them. So here goes:

 

When I was a child I learned to read at a very young age. Like, before kindergarten. My mother homeschooled my older sisters for a year or two. I don’t really remember why. All homeschoolers are either super hippies or weird religious people. And though my father is a super hippie, my mother was just an average person.

 

At any rate, I had nothing to do during the homeschooling. I was too young for school, too young to be left alone, and we were too poor for daycare. So I spent homeschooling also being homeschooled.

 

My sisters are 8 and 10 years older than myself so I have no idea what they were learning. But I learned the alphabet and then how to read and then how to tell time on an analog clock.

 

Which is amazing because I seem to have de-evolved through sheer laziness and now have to actually pay close attention when reading an analog clock.

 

So I went into kindergarten already knowing all the material. Which made for an extremely boring year of school. Plus, I was an insufferable show off and know it all. As a result, I had exactly one friend.

 

But I didn’t need friends. I had books and my little sister, J, to torment.

 

One day J and I were playing in my parents bed. I was in kindergarten so she was about three. And we were snooping through everything, as children do. When we found a little tub of something.

 

Being older and literate, J asked me what it was. The label was covered in all kinds of funny symbols that I did not recognize. And then I saw the words Tiger Balm. Well, I knew what balm was. It was a salve, like lip balm. It went on your lips.

 

This was still a few years before my chapstick addiction, which I still have today. So I handed the tub to J and told her to put some on her lips.

 

I don’t know if you guys know what Tiger Balm is. It is like an Asian version of Icy Hot or BenGay. It smells terrible (that’s because of the menthol). It is also very strong when applied to sensitive areas, like the lips of a three year old child.

 

I remember her screaming and crying in pain and then, as usual, my mother came in and found us. And I was, once again, in serious trouble for doing something mean to J. But I swear, it was an honest mistake.

 

But that isn’t the end of the story. My privates were involved, remember?

 

So earlier this year, I had a little tub of Tiger Balm that I actually never use because I have very sensitive skin and it is just too strong for me. But I also didn’t want to get rid of it because nothing I do makes any sense.

 

I keep my Diva Cup on the same shelf of my medicine cabinet as the Tiger Balm. When I got my period, I pulled the cup out of it’s adorable little bag, washed it, and then inserted it.

 

It took a few minutes for me to feel anything. But then it started feeling…weird in my vagina. Like not good weird. Bad weird. Although I suppose there is rarely any good weird if it is taking place inside your vagina.

 

And then it started tingling, again, bad tingling. It started burning. I pulled the cup out and smelled it. Yes, it was just in my vagina. I don’t care. I know what my vagina smells like. But I could distinctly smell the Tiger Balm.

 

I remembered the story with J and felt a moment of pity for her. That shit must be really bad on your lips. Because it was really bad on my vagina. Hopefully, she will feel a bit of justice with this story.

 

I limped around in pain for about 30 minutes and cursed myself for being an idiot. No amount of washing helped and I didn’t want to upset anything happening down there (vaginas have their own flora and fauna going on). And after my period was over, I put my cup back in it’s little bag and back in the cabinet.


Now, I’m not a total idiot, I had thrown away the Tiger Balm and washed the shelf where it had been.But I am at least a partial idiot because I didn’t wash the bag. And the following month, when I got my period again? You guessed it. I put the cup in and my vagina started feeling all weird again. And not the good kind of weird.

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23 thoughts on “Tiger Balm

  1. Oh darling… I needed that laugh!!

    I still remember the horrible instant burning sensation of using KY Warming Jelly after an hour of sex. I can just imagine that same feeling, inside. Gah!!

  2. I consume A LOT of hot peppers. I grew a bunch of habanero peppers one year. Decided to dry them i my smoker. Cut them all in half and stemmed them – about a peck baskets worth. Got them in the smoker and let them go. Didn’t use gloves because my hands are pretty calloused – the peppers didn’t really affect them.

    Went in to take a leak after that. Tell you what – that oil from the peppers transfers off your hands and REALLY wreaks havoc on your ‘junk’. It’s one of the few times it would have been a good idea to wash ones hands BEFORE peeing.

    • Hahaha! Technically you are always supposed to wash your hands before and after going to the bathroom. I usually do, but I am always doing something weird/dirty. As in actual dirt, not sexy dirty. This got awkward. Anyway, I hope you learned your lesson with that one.

  3. Then there were the times we put Atomic Balm on guys jock straps in the locker room. You did NOT want to leave your jock strap unattended around a bunch of teen aged boys.

  4. I would make a badge for this one but I feel I am unworthy. Although if I did make one it would either show flames shooting out of your vagina or perhaps a tiger forcing it’s way out. Too many options…

  5. The OB/GYN clinic where I work often gets samples of this medication or that new product. One time, a vendor gave one of the midwives a ton of this gel that was supposed to be applied to lady parts in order to create a more intense and enjoyable sexual experience. Being the curious gal I am, I liberated a few tubes and the next time the opportunity presented itself, I gave it a try. All I can say is that the vendor should be strung up by his nuts and the company who made it should be bombed into oblivion (but not before making all of the employees there smear a liberal amount on their private parts!) It certainly made for a more intense sexual experience, as the pain had me shouting (and not in a good way) and running for the bathroom to try to get as much of it off as I could – but enjoyable??? Not so much.

    • hahaha! I just do not like things like that. I don’t need any extra sensations. I’m fine with what’s going on down there without warming gels and cooling sensations and god knows what all.

  6. Pingback: Physical Therapy | Cursitivity

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