The Proposal

I’m not sure if many of you know this, but once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away; I was married. But I don’t want to talk about that part of the story. I want to tell you about the proposal.

 

I was never one of those women that ever wanted to get married. I didn’t daydream about rings and cake and dresses. I actually didn’t think I’d ever even get a boyfriend let alone get married.

 

So I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t have some big plan about how it was all going to happen. However, I was pretty sure of what I didn’t want. I didn’t want anything traditional. No yellow gold bands, no diamonds, no white dress (a symbol of virginity, what a laugh!), no church or walking down an aisle, no family to “give me away.”

Just look at this bullshit.

I decided that I was a simple girl. I wanted  a small tasteful ring and a trip to the courthouse. No party. No frills. Just practical and unromantic. That was me.

 

When I was 21 I had been dating J for two years. I didn’t love him. He didn’t make me happy. But the sex was great and he was nice enough, I guess. And that seemed good enough to me at the time.

 

It was Christmas time and I was talking to J about what he had gotten me for the holiday. I vividly remember this because we were standing in the kitchen and I was wearing some god awful fat girl pants because I had rapidly gained about 30lbs when he and I moved in together and nothing fit. For someone with an eating disorder, it was a serious issue. I hated my body and I hated being naked. I was miserable in everything I owned.

 

I told J what I tell every guy I date. “I don’t care what you get me for Christmas, but you better get me something. And it better be thoughtful. At worst, get me some dark chocolate.”

Seriously, this would be okay. I’m not fancy.

And J replied “Don’t worry. I got you something.”

 

So I said, “Okay. Cool.”

 

Then J asked if I wanted to open it now. Which I didn’t. I’m patient.

 

And he said, “No. I want to give it to you now.” The next thing I knew he was down on one knee. Holding up a ring box.

 

The said the first thing that popped into my mind. Which was, “Are you fucking kidding me?! A ring is not a Christmas present! Me ‘getting’ to marry you is not what I want for my Christmas gift. You need to get me a real present.”

 

So he said he would and asked if I was even going to open it.

 

I took it from him (still on one knee) and muttered something about how the stupid thing wasn’t even wrapped.

 

I flipped open the box and sighed. It was like he literally had not listened to anything I had ever said to him. It was a square cut white diamond in a yellow gold band. It was everything I had said I didn’t want.

No offense to anyone that likes this. But I do not.

I took one look at the ring, handed it back to him, and said, “No.”

 

J got to his feet. “What do you mean no?”

 

“I don’t like any part of that ring. And I don’t want to get married with it. Get a new ring or forget the whole thing.”

 

I should have taken that as a sign that he wasn’t right for me. But I don’t really believe in signs. Maybe I should have known that the fact that he hadn’t listened to me was a sign that he wasn’t right for me. But I didn’t. Because I am an idiot.

 

I did not feel bad for even one second about my reaction. Who proposes in the kitchen? As a Christmas present? With the exact opposite of what I wanted in a ring? I had NOT been dropping hints about marriage. I hadn’t even been thinking about marriage. I wasn’t thinking about much of anything in regards to our relationship. I never do.

I think some small part of me knew that if he was right for me; then I would be happy to marry him no matter what. But that small part of me also acknowledged that there probably was no “right” for me. And he was the best I was going to get. (He wasn’t).

 

So he went back and got me a different ring. White gold (not great still) and tanzanite (not my style but at least not a diamond).

Still not me.

We were married and divorced within six months of that horrible fucking proposal. But that is a story for another blog altogether.

In case you guys are wondering. I want something more like this as my wedding band (I already told you guys I want a Squash Blossom necklace as my engagement jewelry, I figure it’s the only way I’ll get one):

Meteorite, dinosaur bone and copper

Or this

Garnet Crown Industrial Ring

Garnet is all me.

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19 thoughts on “The Proposal

  1. Its funny how we dont see the signs at the time. I love the ring you said you would want – I think it is perfect for you.

    I find so often we see people only within our own frame – what we would want and need – and it is hard to pull back and really think from the other persons perspective.

    • Thank you. And I agree. It is so easy to see the signs now, but I couldn’t see them then. I have two questions I ask myself at all times now in a relationship.

      1. Is this person acting in a way that is reasonable for someone that is both logical and kind (for example: is this how I would act in whatever situation)?
      2. If this guy was dating my sister or best friend and behaved this way, would I be happy with it?

      It helps put it all in perspective. And that first question is why I went to therapy to begin with.

  2. Girrrrll — believe it or not, I have a post written called “The Proposals” that talks about the crappy proposals I got from The Loser and Doc. It made me laugh and laugh that we had the same thing on our minds! Of course, now I have to wait for at least a couple of weeks and maybe change the name before I post it or everyone will think I just sit around stalking you online, getting all of my ideas from you. That only happens about half of the time 😉

  3. Great post! That dinosaur bone and copper ring is so INTERESTING. You should have an interesting ring, because you’re an interesting person. Obviously who you choose should know what you like…
    That garnet is stunning, tho…
    I’d be pissed to get engaged on a holiday or my birthday or something. I wouldn’t like it. My husband never proposed to me. Just one night he said, “I guess we should pick a date,” so we did. That’s so us lol.
    My favorite wedding band belongs to a friend of mine. It’s this very intricate emerald and diamond beast. Completely unique, totally her.
    I have a sliver of white gold band, because I didn’t even want a wedding ring. Except, sadly, when you’ve got a pile of kids and a young face, a wedding ring makes a huge difference in how other people treat you. The Mister didn’t wear a ring for most of our marriage, dangerous for mechanical stuff. His is titanium, and scratched to bits from regular life!
    The Mister bought me a diamond ring before he left for his first deployment — and I love it, but I usually wear the peridot from the 11th anniversary.
    I’m a white gold and yellow gold kinda person, and he knows that. They should know that.

  4. That ring is pretty badass looking, so make sure the “right” guy knows exactly what you expect.

    Speaking from a guy perspective, you don’t necessarily need to sky-write a proposal (which is kinda cool admittedly) but at least put some thought and effort into it.

  5. A Christmas proposal AND the exact ring you didn’t want? Yikes, no no no no no.

    I told my husband the same thing about the diamonds and yellow gold. As a joke he sent me a photo of the most hideous gold and diamond ring either of us had ever seen, so ugly I’m sure he wouldn’t have dared if I hadn’t been miles away at grad school and safely out of striking distance at the time. (I ended up with tourmaline in platinum and I was a very happy camper.)

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