Waterbed Sex

Growing up, my period was as unpredictable as a wild animal. I could go months without getting it at all. And there were a few times I would get it twice in one month. Usually it would only last a day or two. But every once in a while it would come at me with the fury of a rabid wild creature.

 

Why have I been cursed?!

 

As an adult (and now that I am at a healthy weight) it is extremely regular and mild. Except those rare occasions that it comes at me like a wild rabid creature the way it did this weekend.

 

I was sort of expecting it, but I had no idea when I went to sleep Friday night that I would wake up to a crime scene in my sheets Saturday morning. But I did. And this is why women make good serial killers. We know how to get blood out of anything.

Not shown: cramps

 

But this weekend reminded me of another time I got my period.

 

In high school, I was dating the exchange student. We had only had sex once or twice and I was NOT comfortable with discussing bodily fluids with him (and I never would be).

 

My parents had a California King size waterbed with a massive wooden headboard and canopy awning. This thing was a monstrosity and it took up my parents entire bedroom. We only owned one blanket that fit it. A beautiful green and yellow quilt that had been a wedding present to my parents.

It was like this but bigger.

 

Naturally, G and I decided to have sex on it. I had certainly never had sex on a waterbed before. And I figured my parents’ would be my only chance. Unless I went back in time and slept with a dude from the 80s.

 

G and I started kissing. He was one of the worst kissers I have ever experienced. I’ll gladly take part of the blame since he was the first person I had ever kissed myself; I doubt I was any good either. But one time he burped IN my mouth while we were kissing. It was repulsive.

 

We got naked and had sex. Again, not the worst sex I have ever had. But even I knew this was not good sex and he was the only person I had ever done it with.

The quilt I tried to ruin was pretty similar to this one

 

Sex on a waterbed was also a total pain in the ass. The water makes it own waves that tend to fight against your movements. Plus there was no mattress spring action to help us out.

 

It was like trying to swim against a rip tide in the most unsexy way possible. Maybe that was just me, though. I’d love to hear about someone else having a better experience.

 

It was when he pulled out that we saw it. There was blood everywhere. All over him, all over me. It looked like he had been stabbing me with a knife instead of with his dick.

 

Oh, the horror

 

And there was blood all over my parents’ wedding quilt. I started freaking out when I saw it. My parents were never going to get over this if I couldn’t get the blood out.

 

G got angry with me. “Why didn’t you tell me you were on your period?”

 

“I wasn’t. I mean, I didn’t know I was.”

 

But he didn’t believe me. He thought I had tricked him into having sex with me while I was on my period. Then I got all pissed off because he thought I was lying. Plus I was embarrassed about what had happened. Embarrassed that we were now having a discussion about my period.

 

But let me tell you guys something, I have a rule: If you won’t bang me during my period then you don’t get to bang me at all. If you can’t handle my bodily fluids then perhaps you would be happier with a man.


And it turns out, G was happier with a man. So there you go.

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28 thoughts on “Waterbed Sex

  1. Never cared to do anything on a waterbed. The wave motion is a huge PITA and when it springs a tiny leak in the night and you wake up wet. Or when the heater goes out and you wake up cold.

    Maybe that’s why my second marriage failed…

  2. My parents had a waterbed and I hated it. Slept on it once and woke up feeling like I got my ass kicked by a sumo wrestler.

    As far as period sex goes – cannot get a girl preggers while she is on it so…Ride the Red Tide!!

  3. Oh. I feel you pain.

    However I have never shagged on a water bed before so I’m a bit fail there.

    Concrete slabs? Tick. Hotel beds all over the world? Tick. Greyhound buses? Tick. Riverbanks? Tick. Under the harbour bridge? Tick…. alas… no waterbeds.

  4. Thank you for sharing this awkward, embarassing moment. It made my morning coffee ever so enjoyable. Please know that I am giggling with you – not at you. It takes a self-assured woman to share life’s embarassing moments.

  5. I had a guy recently that I really liked. He was very young and I think that’s why he didn’t want to have sex with me during my period. But when he said he preferred not to have it I felt really disappointed, and angry, and sad. You’re right, when someone doesn’t want to have sex during the period, then it’s better not to have it at all.

    • It is generally younger men that find women’s bodies intimidating/fascinating/repulsive. But I need to date a grown man who wont treat me like a leper once a month.

  6. I must be in the minority – I loved my waterbed and owned during both marriages. But then again, both marriages failed – so maybe you have a point. What I’m dying to know is…what did you do about the quilt? Did you get the blood out before your parents discovered it? Did you trash it in the dumpster somewhere and claim that a very cold burglar must have taken it? Leave it on the bed and suggest to your parents that a Santoria ritual sacrifice must have taken place there?

    • No way. I was very repressed because my mother had made several threats to have me put on psychiatric meds if I didn’t stop being so weird/writing dark and twisted things. And my parents have zero sense of humor. Hydrogen peroxide is amazing at getting out fresh blood stains. It’s how I keep my murder gloves so clean.

  7. Never was a fan of waterbeds.
    My periods were absolutely mysterious and unreliable until I had babies. I think someone flipped the switch in there or somethin.
    Any guy who freaks out about periods or heaven forbid, conversations about periods, isn’t fit to partake in my vagina!
    What happened? Did you get the blood out?

    • I got it out with hydrogen peroxide. It’s a miracle worker. And yeah, what kind of person cant discuss something that happens to half the population of the world for most of their lives?

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