Fossil Show

I am back from my vacation/blog hiatus. I ate a bunch of BBQ, discovered champagne, hung out with my sister, and watched some terrible horror movies.


The weekend before my sister came to visit I went to a Fossil Show. I don’t know if any of you guys go to things like that, but let me tell you about it. It is 85% men at these things. Almost everyone there is over 60. And it is overwhelmingly white. Just old white men everywhere you look.


Old white dude hanging out with a table of animal parts.

And then there’s me. I wore my Jurassic Park shirt in support of fossils. It got a lot of compliments. I generally don’t wear logo’d clothes because I feel like it is sort of an invitation for creepers to stare at my chest. But they stare anyway, so what the hell.

I don’t know why they put the logo right on the boobs.

I went with my brother and my father. We walked around examining baskets of discount animal skulls and so fucking many sharks teeth.


So. Many.

I bought a giant ass crystal for my sister because I am awesome like that.


Her actual new crystal. It is the size of a basketball.

And then we got to my favorite booth. The seller is a creepy old guy that has a ton of random shit. I see him at most of them gem and bead shows I go to (and I go to a lot). He never remembers me, which is just fine by me.


He sells lapidary supplies and cabochons and Native American jewelry (which is absolutely my favorite). But since I have been getting into embroidery, I have been interested in buying some cabochons for my collection.

If I ever get married, I want them to propose with a Squash Blossom Necklace.

My brother and I were sorting through his mess of a display when something caught my eye. It was a rough blue opal about the size of my thumb. I am not super into opals, I tend to be very picky about them. But this one was something.

It looked a bit like this.

I innocently picked it up, with no warning signs of the horror to come. I was showing it to my brother when the seller came over to us.


“That’s a nice piece of turquoise.” He told us.

THIS is turquoise.

It wasn’t turquoise, but whatever. Then he took it from my hand and said, “Here, check this out.” At which point he promptly popped it into his mouth.


He fished it out and held it back out to me so I could see how his saliva had brought out the colors.


But it was too late. I don’t know what kind of expression I had on my face, but it could only have been horror. I backed away from the table. I felt like my whole body was tainted. I felt…itchy.

Basically me.


My brother came swiftly to my side. He asked “Are you okay?”


“Did you see that guy? Did you see him? It was in his mouth. Who does that?” I was freaking out.

Adventure Time Freak Out animated GIF

Also me.


“Do you think he’s done that before with it?” My brother asked.


“Yes. Don’t you? I probably have Hepatitis now!” I was getting loud.


“Can you even get Hep from something like that?” My brother looked worried. Everyone in my family defers to me when it comes to diseases because I am the expert.


“Yes!” I whipped out my hand sanitizer and began compulsively spraying my hands. I was seriously freaked out.

Apparently drinking it is a thing. A very stupid thing.


Most sellers carry spray bottles of water that they use to bring out the color in their stones. I have never had someone put it in their mouth like that.


I walked over to another booth, far far away from that man. There was a young couple at the booth I happened to walk up to. The man started in on his little speech, but I was just staring blankly into the distance. I was shell shocked, unhearing and unseeing.


The couple I was talking to must have noticed something was off about me. They asked if I was okay. And the whole thing spilled out of me. They looked appropriately horrified and assured me that nothing at their own table had ever been in anyone’s mouth.

But the damage was done. I didn’t touch anything else for the entire rest of the show.

No touching!


24 thoughts on “Fossil Show

  1. Great, one more thing to worry about.

    My mother had a Squash Blossom necklace. I don’t think I really appreciated it until I was much older.

    • Not like I really care about getting Hepatitis. I’m going to die long before something like that could kill me. But still…old man saliva. Gross.

      And Squash Blossom Necklaces are my #1 lusted after piece of jewelry. Someday man…someday…

  2. I suppose this is the point when I tell you my “agate licker” story. (“Agate licker” being the semi-affectionate semi-derogatory term for people in the mineral biz like your opal/turquoise guy). When I first met, (yes, as in blind date first meeting) my current husband he demonstrated the effect of wetting a stone in order to bring out the layers. By licking it. Didn’t matter to me, but then, I’m me. Nor did he gob all over the thing or put it completely into his mouth like your fellow did. Which I think would gross me out, because I’m not on a date.

    • Yeah, if I was dating someone he could pop it in my mouth and I was have no problem then putting it in my own mouth. But we weren’t dating. Or on a date. I was a potential buyer. So gross.

    • Please don’t put something in your mouth and then try to touch me with it. Although, at least we ‘know’ each other. And it’s a little different with women for me.

      • Hahaha! Wow, I am attaching all kinds of diabolical intentions on you. I don’t know how funny I am in real life. My co-workers definitely don’t think I am all that funny. But I guess if you like my blog you will think I am funny. I am really looking forward to it!

  3. I have a thing for opals – so I might have been tempted (especially if the price was right) to have him wipe it off and deposit it into a bag so I didn’t have to touch it – then I could have taken it home and immediately dumped it into a basin of hot, soapy water. But that’s just me. I’m not terribly fond of turquoise, so I wouldn’t have taken the cootie risk for that particular stone (at least not for myself – for you, I would have totally let him do the plop and drop into a bag). It occurs to me that “plop and drop” sounds like something far worse than spitting out and bagging a semi-precious stone – I might need to come up with another phrase for that.

    • I laughed so hard when you said ‘plop and drop’! I actually have some lovely boulder opals. They are my favorite opals. I’m going to email you a picture of them. And I appreciate your willingness to get cooties for me.

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