Blue

I had this brilliant idea a few weeks ago. I am not totally sure where this idea came from. I really don’t know where most of my ideas come from. It is the curse of being creative and imaginative.

Some of you may know that I am not a big fan of shaving. There is nothing wrong with other people shaving. I think everyone should do what they want with their own bodies.

 

I personally like to shave my legs, because it feels good between the sheets or when I wear trousers. I don’t like to shave my armpits or pubic hair. I actually think armpit hair looks sexy on me (and it is rare for me to use that word to describe anything I am even remotely involved with). And I get razor burn too bad on my pubes. Especially when I am sexually active.

Although, I would wear these. I bet they are warm.

Yes, sometimes people get weirded out by it. Never someone that I am actually having sex with. They never say shit about it. But casual strangers who really don’t have a right to an opinion of my body. Or my co-workers.

 

There is no legitimate reason why women should shave but men shouldn’t. If it is unsanitary for a woman to have body hair then it is just as unsanitary for a man. And if a man likes the feel of smooth, hairless legs then he should shave his own fucking legs.

 

But anyway. I wanted to jazz up my appearance a bit but, as mentioned, my boss is conservative and wouldn’t approve of me dyeing my hair. Not to mention I wouldn’t be able to donate it if I dyed it. So I decided to dye my armpit and pubic hair.

Women have body hair. Get over it.

Some people have told me that that is a very weird idea. Well, here is a whole tumblr about it. So, it isn’t that weird.

I had thought about doing it once in the past but was discouraged by a sales girl at a beauty supply store. I was determined this time. I decided to buy women’s mustache bleach to dye my hair blonde and then buy Kool Aid to color it something interesting. Like blue, or purple.

Apparently you can dye all kinds of things with Kool Aid.

I went to Target and couldn’t find mustache bleach anywhere. I wound up asking a very young employee. She didn’t think they carried it.

 

So I wound up back at the original beauty supply store I had started this whole journey at. It was like a some kind of beautiful, hair dye, circle of life.

 

The woman there this time directed me to the mustache bleach. I explained to her why I was buying it and she started dying laughing. She even asked if I would come back in to show it to her (my armpits, I presume).

 

I wound up buying both a lovely, vibrant blue and a fuschia. As I hadn’t had any luck finding unsweetened Kool Aid packets anywhere. And then, I had no excuses. It was time to dye.

I got the dark blue and the purple.

I made myself a wine slushie to help keep me entertained. If you want to make one yourself, just freeze some wine in an ice cube tray. It won’t fully freeze due to the alcohol content. Put the cubes in a wine glass and crush them with a spoon. Wine slushie!

It tasted better than a regular glass of wine too.

I applied the bleach to my tender bits and moved on to my armpits. It only took a few seconds for the tingling to begin and I realized something was terribly wrong. The bleach was strong. It was starting to hurt. I looked down at my crotch in horror. It felt like I was burning my fucking clit off with acid.

 

My hands were all gunked up and by the time I got them clean, the burning had subsided. Or I had burned off all the nerve endings and could no longer feel any more pain.

 

I applied it to my armpits and experienced the same sensation. I knew the directions on the bleach were for a normal woman’s body hair. Not for my stubborn, Eastern European hair. So I decided to leave the bleach on for twice the length of time as recommended.

 

And lucky thing too. When I finally got it rinsed out, I wasn’t even a blonde. I had a ginger crotch and armpits.

 

I laughed, and in my head I kept thinking of the phrases “do the curtains match the drapes?” And “do the cuffs match the collar?” They didn’t anymore.

 

I waited a few days for my poor, sensitive skin to recover before applying the blue.

 

One tip: Do not apply blue hair dye without wearing gloves. It will look like you have been fingering a Smurf.

 

And there would be no easy way to explain that to my boss. Especially after the whole vagina incident. I could just imagine the conversation.

 

Boss: “Why are your fingers blue?”

Me: “I was dying my armpit and pubic hair blue.”

Boss: *curls into fetal position and cries*

 

So I spent the evening sitting on a towel on my couch. Trying not to get blue on everything.

 

When I washed it off, I saw that it did a fantastic job of dyeing my skin. And a really good job of dyeing my hair.

20141016_204817

My actual blue armpit.

But maybe don’t try this at home. Go to a salon and leave it to the professionals. Unless you’re me. Because I am totally going to try this again at home.

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43 thoughts on “Blue

  1. I am afflicted with Italian shrubbery, so I’m a salon-goer, which is where I had seen the dye kits — and also, where you can have your area bedazzled, should that interest you. It’s called “Party Panties” or somethin — somethin like that.
    I can’t stand leg hair. It’s like a thing with me. “Oh I didn’t shave today, I must sleep in pants so my legs cannot touch.”
    I had no idea people did their armpit hair. I wonder, if you use kool-aid, does it retain its fruity smell? How festive your armpits are 🙂

    • I am really on the look out for some Kool Aid packets. Unfortunately I am beginning to suspect only WalMart has them. I’ll let you know about the fruity smell. I could deal with a lime scented crotch. I don’t really go for vegazzling or whatever that’s called. But then, I’m not really into sparkly things. Maybe something more earthy like a little lizard skeleton would suit me.

  2. I wish I had a camera for all of the bizarre facial expressions that flew across my face while reading this…wow. It was a lot to take in. And now I’m super curious about the “the whole vagina” incident, but I’m also a little afraid.

    • I also wish you had a camera. I’d love to see that! I linked to the vagina incident when mentioning my conservative boss. But it’s also the one title That “V” Word. And honestly, it is a wonderful way to be introduced to my blog.

      • Ok, I read it and I get it now. 🙂 Hilarious! It must be great to live so freely. I’m still working on getting totally comfortable being as outrageous outwardly as I am internally. I’m sure it will come in time!

  3. Hahahaha! OHHHhhhh the FUN you could have at your boss’s expense! How fkn funny is it that we both posted stuff about body hair today! I had this really, really weird poem (I am SO good at those! I have to dig up one I wrote to my husband on a snazzy postcard – my girlfriend almost DIED!) running around in my head all weekend. Finally banged out some of it last night. Hope you won’t mind if I share a shortlink: http://wp.me/p4eZuF-KG 😉

  4. Next time, pay a salon to do it for you. Yes, I’ve seen it on the salon “menu” before, no I will not even think of trying it.

  5. What a great piece!
    Far as a persons “landscaping preferences” – I have a live & let live attitude. What ever bloats your goat. Now, I’ve heard of gals dying their pubes blond to get the drapes & rug to match, but I’m really liking the idea of lime green or fuchsia or that nice bright blue you tried. Can only imagine your first time being ‘intimate’ with another person and it comes to crunch time and, voila! Pink pubes! Depending on their reaction, you’d have to either re-inflate them or hold on for dear life. But what fun!

    • And I totally wouldn’t warn them first. It’d be like a secret. Like wearing sexy underwear. If I ever have sex again I’ll let you guys know what that person thinks. And I personally prefer body hair on men at the very least. But everyone should do what they want with it. I’m not here to judge.

  6. I’ve always been the type of girl who liked to experiment with my hair – any style, any color, any length – but that was the hair on my head. I’d never even THOUGHT about dying other hairy bits. Veeeerrrryyy interesting my friend!

  7. I have so many thoughts….where do I start?
    I have no prob with hairy pits, although not my own, and I love that you dyed them blue! While reading, I was thinking, hmmmm, maybe I should dye the vag a fun color and surprise the hubs? But then the bleach burn skeert me a bit. BTW, we both are saying the word vagina a lot on our latest posts. It must be Vaheina Week.

    fingering a smurf……LMAO……

  8. That is hilarious and probably very dangerous. I’ve thought about just leaving my body hair alone and letting it grow out, but I really like having smooth legs. I’ve tried going “power muff” before, but I’ve shaved my bikini line for so long that letting the shaved area grow back in was just uncomfortable. I hated it. As for my armpits, well, I keep shaving those because I’m bad at remembering to wear deodorant. Believe it or not, my pits rarely get stinky. But, I think it would be harder to keep a mushroom cloud of stink away from my pits if I had hair in there.

    • I also prefer smooth legs. I’d love to have a “power muff” too, but it doesn’t seem meant to be for me, no matter how hard I try. I actually feel like my armpit hair helps trap the deodorant which keeps me smelling better. But like I said, everyone should do what they want with their own body hair.

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