A few months ago, I was asked out by the FedEx guy. This is nothing against FedEx. They offer a great service. Their outfits aren’t as sexy as the UPS guy or even the USPS guy. But they are marginally better than the DHL guys’ outfits.
This guy was decent looking and we had talked a few times. He asked if I could help him out with something related to my job. And then he gave me his address and number.
I got his issues resolved and called him on my work phone to let him know. This is when he began to get idiotic. As we were wrapping up the phone call he said, “So, can I call you sometime?”
“I guess.” I replied. I kind of knew where this was going, but I prefer to not make assumptions.
“On this number?” He asked.
“Uh. Yeah.” I replied. I was already not liking the way he was going about this. But he was still doing better than the previous 10 or so guys that had asked me out.
“Okay. Cool. I’ll call you later.” And then we hung up.
I actually didn’t really expect him to call because I was not being very flirty or friendly with him. That deters the majority of men who seem to want me to swoon at the honor of being asked out by them.
A few days later he called me. I basically sleep with my work phone. It takes some work to for me to trust someone with my personal number.
I was out at dinner with my brother when he called. At our favorite restaurant. I decided to answer, to be polite.
“Hey. I’m eating with my family right now. Can you call me back later?” I asked him.
“Sure.” He said.
Except instead of ending the call he proceeded to ask me a bunch of inane questions about my movie likes and dislikes. I don’t think pop culture tastes really mean much of anything in a relationship. I mean, he isn’t going to be a good boyfriend, or even good in bed if he loves Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or Stranger than Fiction as much as I do.
However, the movies he liked were the kind of stupid, immature humor I can’t stand. He had frat boy taste in movies. But again, it isn’t crucial to my life.
I told him again that I needed to get off the phone as we were interrupting my dinner. But he again tried to derail my ending of the call. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
I told him I didn’t. And that’s when he asked the dreaded question.
“You are really pretty. Why are you single?”
I hate this fucking question. It is rude and presumptuous. Like there can be no reason for me to be single unless I am seriously damaged or lacking in some crucial way. Also, like my physical appearance is all I have to offer. My personality could be shit and it doesn’t matter if I am seen as hot according to WASP-y Eurocentric standards. Also, apparently my only possible reason for existence is obviously to snag a man, so why am I not more desperate for one, right?
But, readers, I behaved. I wasn’t rude right away. Instead I replied “I am still single because I know what I am looking for and I am not willing to settle. I will be single until I find what I want.”
“Oh wow. You’re really blunt.” He said with a very judgemental tone.
I am very blunt. But I did not think I was being blunt, so I said. “You asked me a question. I answered it. How is that blunt?”
“It just wasn’t what I expected you to say.” He replied in some kind of weird, flirty tone.
“I don’t know what you expected.” I paused. “Do you have a girlfriend?” I feel this was a very fair question as he had just asked me my relationship status. Also, he had to have expected me to ask it. Right?
He responded. “Well….I have girls that are friends.” He laughed like he had just said something really witty.
I was basically done at that point. I got irritated. “Do you have ‘girls that are friends’ that would be pissed off at you for being on the phone with me right now?” I asked.
“Oh. Well. You know. I live alone.” He again said this in a flirty, coy voice. Like I was going to be so fucking impressed with him for his inability to answer a very simple question.
And I called him out on it. Because I do that.
“Okay. Well you are clearly either in a relationship or you want me to think you are for some reason. I don’t know what kind of game you are playing here, but I am done.”
And I hung up the phone.
If you have read my life’s mottos, you know that when I say I am done, I legitimately mean it.
I didn’t give him a chance to explain his dumbass game playing. He tried calling me every week for months. Which is a separate red flag all on it’s own. We hadn’t even had one date. We had one phone conversation, that I had repeatedly tried to end. And that I hung up on him during.
He also texted me a few times. He kept saying he didn’t understand what had happened. Despite me spelling out what had happened.
I even ran into him at work a few weeks ago. He tried to get my attention with the, always classy, honking at me as I walked by. It should surprise none of you guys that I didn’t respond to him in any way during any point.
I actually think he has figured it out by now. But time will tell. I had one guy texting me for over three years after a single date. But that is a story for another post.