That “V” Word

I can’t believe how long it has been since I have written a post about my vagina. Not to worry, I am not out of vagina stories. Here’s one now:

 

You guys may recall that I had my Essure procedure done last May. That was a crazy hectic time in my life that involved court hearings and being homeless for 4 months (which is another story I haven’t told but will get to eventually).

Two of these are in my Fallopian tubes.

Basically, the one thing I really needed was some time off (and a place to live and money and not having a shitty abusive ex stalking me). I went to my boss. He only vaguely knew any of the anything that was happening in my life.

 

I mentioned that I was having the Essure procedure and would need a few days off for recovery. His response was that I was going to regret it. And that if I didn’t want to have kids then I just shouldn’t have sex. Like, ever, I guess.

Sperms on billboards. Sexy stuff.

Naturally we agreed to disagree and he said I could have the time off. Like I said, I tend to not get too involved with personal discussions.

 

A few days before the procedure I went into his office. We were discussing some sensitive work related things, so I closed the door to his office. Per my usual.

 

Once we had wrapped up the work talk I reminded him that I would be out the following week for my procedure.

 

I should remind you all that I am the only woman at my office. And everyone tends to tiptoe around me depending on the subject matter. Especially ‘gross lady body things.’ Because women’s bodies are apparently repulsive to some men.

My boss had forgotten I was going to be out so he entered in my vacation time. And then he asked the question:

 

“So, where do they go in for this procedure?”

 

I looked at him for a few beats. I was really confused. I said “Um…Well… my vagina?” I didn’t know how else to say it.

 

My boss freaked out when I said vagina. He began stuttering. “Oh! I am so sorry! I didn’t mean… I just thought..”

 

So then I asked the natural question. “Where did you think they went in?”

 

“I don’t know. Your neck?” He had his hands up as if to ward off the dreaded ‘v word.’

 

Now I was even more confused. “My neck? How could they go in through my neck? I know you know how female anatomy works. You have a wife and four daughters.”

“Tee of Life” shirt. This is what happens when you look up necks and vaginas. How weird am I for kind of wanting this?

He jumped up out of his chair. “I forgot you were having this surgery. I thought it was for your shoulder or something.”

 

“Well, it isn’t.  It’s for my vagina.” I couldn’t believe how many times I was saying vagina to my boss.

 

And neither could he. He practically ran to open his door so we weren’t alone, with the door shut, talking about my vagina.

 

He then told me, “Please get out of my office. I can’t even look at you right now. You could have said it was personal or something.”

 

“It isn’t personal. Half the population of the world has a vagina. I’m not embarrassed of it. You asked a question and I answered it.”

 

“Please don’t in the future.”

 

I left his office and went into mine. I didn’t even bother to close the door before I laughed and laughed until I couldn’t breathe and my stomach hurt. Sorry to all the men out there that can’t handle vaginas.

 

We have to see your penises all the time. And see commercials on TV with our parents for drugs to help you guys get erections. And get unwanted dick pics. And see teenage boys draw penises on EVERYTHING. And you can’t handle me saying the word vagina.

20140617_200931

Except this. I found this at a local bar and whoever drew it needs to come forward so I can buy them a fucking drink.

A few minutes later I was telling this story to another co-worker so we could laugh about it when my boss walked up. He put his hand over his eyes so he didn’t have to look at me.

Mustn’t make eye contact with vagina woman!

“You know,” I said. “I used the medical term for that body part. And I almost didn’t. I don’t know what the issue is here. It would be like me saying my phalanges or my gluteus maximus. It’s work appropriate.”

 

I still stand by that. I only told a few work people about this story. People that can handle knowing that I actually have a vagina.


We still bring it up to my boss sometimes to make fun of him. And whenever I tell him I have a doctor’s appointment for any reason, he stops me from giving him any details about it. He apparently doesn’t want to hear about my vagina as much as you guys do.

Advertisements

58 thoughts on “That “V” Word

  1. bwahahahaha!!

    Oh em gee. That’s too funny!

    My boss is very similar though. He freaks out at any mention of anything vagina related and runs away with his squeaky shoes.

  2. Hahahaha! I would enjoy making fun of him until he fired me, I quit or I died. Just think – we have a reason to bring up lady-issues every. Single. MONTH!

    Dudes refer to their penises all the fucking time! Because, well… DICK! 😉

    • I bring it up often enough for him to know I will never let him forget it. I should start saying more v words around him. Like to tease him that I am about to say vagina.

      • “Y’know – it’s nice to have a small va – cation!” I can do this all night! 😉 Or, you could replace frustrated exclamations like “WTF!!” with “What the vajayjay!” Sorry, Boss; I’ve started this new thing where I don’t say “fuck” anymore because, well y’know – VAGINA! OK, I think my work is done here. 😉

  3. I have the hugest smile on my face.
    I had a female related something or other done a month or so ago (six weeks? three months? no clue) and when I took in a doctors note for the days I missed, my boss dropped it like it was on fire, then put his hands up and made the sign of the cross. Just because it had the word “gynecologist” on it.

    I plan to use this to my advantage. In big ways.

  4. I really hope “Taco Bell Toilet” in your word cloud gets almost as big as vagina, but not as big, because big vaginas are the best! (My doctor told me so…) I said vagina.

  5. I almost died. I’ve never had a prude boss… Ever. My boss in Alaska was really cool about vagina related things. My friend Valerie had a baby and she told me that the jokes where you have to cross your legs to laugh wasn’t even funny anymore because having a baby messed up her bladder functions. I made her laugh at work one day and she ended up peeing a little. So she went to the office and mentioned that she peed a little and wanted to go home to change.

    Since my boss wasn’t really getting the hint, she talked about that because she’s old, she has to be careful when she farts and said that she had peed herself a little that morning and just cleaned up in the bathroom.

    In front of everyone who worked there.

    To say the least, my friend didn’t get to go home to clean up her little accident lol.

  6. Omg, I’m in tears picturing this. I would so do this. Came your way via Ms. Aussa and I think I’ll be hanging around. You’re my kind of funny. And I believe your tagline said something about a fucked up childhood, yeah, me too. I’m going to go grocery shopping now and actually hope I run in to people I know, just so I can see how many times I can eject the word vagina in to conversation. ~Dawn

  7. I prefer to use inappropriate verbiage for the vagina. Like snatch. Though Bajingo is my favorite. To my boss I’ve only ever said “I have a doctors appointment” and he doesn’t ask questions. I used to tell my old boss I had a “lady doctor” appointment. The best part about them getting uncomfortable is that it means I get to leave early…or not come back. Because men have no idea what happens down there. It’s a playground to them, really. (Most of them. Sorry for generalizing.)

    • It’s like they are afraid they’ll get lady cooties if they learn too much about our bods. And I like to say vageen (from Archer). But I mostly call it my vagina because it is very neutral and kind of silly to me. Like that woman that got kicked out of congress during a debate about birth control for saying the word vagina!

  8. You need to start using non-medical terms for it in front of your boss just to screw with him! “Boss I have to go get my va-jay-jay looked at.” or “Boss my cock canyon needs maintenance.” would send him into hysterics every time.

    • I think “cock canyon” would be too tough to say with a straight face. Oh my god. I’ve never heard that. I think if I ever said penis or dick or cock he would lose his freaking mind. One time I said groin and he got weirded out. Haha.

      • I never heard that before either. Totally came up with it on the fly. You could always use meat cave or newborn’s waterslide. (Had a boss that called hers a waterslide because by the time her hubby parked the car she had had her baby. Her longest labor was 3 hours from first contraction to poppin it out!)

  9. OH MY GOD! I’m dying. I would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. I have an uncontrollable urge to make someone uncomfortable with vagina talk. And that picture! OMG.

  10. I had a whole conversation with my employee about him getting a circumcision. I would have loved to have had a vagina conversation instead – bit not with him bc that would have been weird if he had a vagina.

  11. I come from a very women-centered family, lotsa aunts and girl cousins. My husband comes from people who say “down there.” Our three girls surely drive my FIL to madness with talks about vaginas and tampons and dilation. pap smears and pads and cramps, and even I had to have PROCEDURES and my in-laws prayed about my cervix and whatnot. I kinda enjoy it. VAGINA. You’re right, half of us have “lady parts” “down there.” Sheesh!

  12. Pingback: Blue | Cursitivity

  13. Pingback: Finding the Loo | Cursitivity

  14. Pingback: Physical Therapy | Cursitivity

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s