Let me preface this story with a disclaimer: this incident was the opposite of sexy.
When I first moved into my basement apartment on the beach, my sister, J, came over to stay for a few days and help. My sister, J, is my favorite person in the entire world (no offense entire world).
The cable people were out to hook up my TV and internet and J and I were getting ready to go to a party. Not just any party. A full moon party at my dad’s ex, S’s, place.
Her full moon parties had gained an almost legendary status in our social circle. S had a gorgeous house on a lake with a pool surrounded by bamboo, a yoga studio, and bandshell, a greenhouse, and an enormous garden. It was basically the modern and wealthy version of a hippie commune. And I loved it there.
I had already been to a few full moon parties. There was drinking and food and a bonfire and midnight kayaks in the lake led by the best looking man I have ever met in real life. There was also pot smoking and meditating and skinny dipping. I don’t know what any of that had to do with a full moon, other than it being a full moon, but who am I to refuse a hippie moon party?
So J and I are in the kitchen at my new place, remember? And we are unpacking boxes to find the supplies to make a snack for the party. I wanted something quick and easy and thought my peanut butter and honey rice krispy treats were just the thing.
I buy my honey from local apiarists, as you may recall from this story. I had this large mason jar with just enough honey for my recipe. My sister and I are talking and having a good time, as we generally do.
And I am feeling so good. I just got my own place. I was recovering well from my heart surgery, I was hanging with my favorite person on the planet, and I was getting ready to go to a beautiful house to enjoy a fun party with people I liked.
I reach my arm down into this mason jar, trying to get that last few precious drops of honey. My entire arm was now covered in that liquid gold.
I am not one to waste food, so I start licking my fingers. And then I lick my hand. And then I lick my wrist, my arm, all the way down to my elbow. My back was to my sister and, to mess with her, I start making yummy moaning noises.
And I am really getting into it. I am licking up my arm with what is basically porno tongue. I am licking like a cat cleaning itself with inappropriate enthusiasm.
That’s when I hear a noise. I looked over and saw that the cable guy is standing there. Staring at me. With some inscrutable combination of horror, disgust, and confusion on his face.
Even with her back to me, I could tell that J was trying so hard to not crack up laughing.
I stopped licking, smiled sweetly, and say, “Can I help you?”
But the guy kind of backed away from us with his hands up as if I were holding a gun instead of an empty jar of honey. “No, no. I’m just going to go…uh…back outside.”
He literally backed away from me, out the door, and outside.
And that’s when my sister and I completely lost it.
Because I know someone is going to ask; here is the recipe for those peanut butter and honey rice krispy treats:
1/2 c honey
1/2 c peanut butter
6c rice krispies (I tend to go to the health food store and buy brown rice ones)
1 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp cinnamon
chocolate chips (optional, but why wouldn’t you?)
Melt the peanut butter and honey on low heat, remove from heat when fully liquid and combined. Add the other ingredients. Pour into greased pan (I usually grease mine with coconut oil). Let cool and eat.