Allergic to EVERYTHING!

I know I have not posted in a while I have been dealing with things way above my maturity level. It was like some “very powerful episode of Blossom” or some shit. As a result I wasn’t feeling very funny. But I am doing better now.


In my quest to visit every kind of specialist in existence, I went to see an allergist. My hives were worrying as was my constant stomach ache. I figured I could finally sort out what I was allergic to and never have to worry about my throat closing down with hives again.


I turns out my allergist’s husband worked with my cardiologist. My worlds were colliding! The allergist was the sweetest doctor I have ever met.


And I have had amazing luck with doctors ever since I told my OB/GYN she could shove it up her stupid ass when she told me I was too young to make a permanent birth control decision. Apparently, 27 is too young to NOT have kids but she had her first baby at 23. Go figure.


The way the chemical patch tests works is they draw all over your back with a Sharpie. It is almost unbearably ticklish. I’m not even ticklish and I was squirming and giggling. Then they put three long stickers on your back and tape you up like some modern day mummy.


My brother, sister and I used to tickle each by making a claw with our hand on each other and saying “ticky, ticky, ticky.” It never tickled.

Once again, as with the holter monitor, you can’t bathe for 24-48 hours. It’s really not my fault I smell bad sometimes. I can’t bathe like half the time.


Also, I had hair back then.

After 48 hours of marinating in my own funk, I went back to get things removed and resolved once and for all. I found out what I am allergic to, basically life.


And then the allergist decided to do a food allergy test. She thought it might help figure out why I have a stomach ache 85% of the time. Most of my family has lactose intolerance, gluten intolerance, and eat very little meat. I however, having decided I already have one foot in the grave, eat whatever the fuck I want to whenever I want to.


The way they do a food allergy test is to lightly scratch the inside of your forearm and then rub the scratch with various food extracts. If the scratch gets inflamed, you are allergic or sensitive to that food.


She scratched my arm five times. Legumes, soy, dairy, gluten and who knows what the fifth one was. I assumed corn since it is in everything in the world these days.


It looks like this.

She left the room for about 10 minutes and I looked at my arm, fascinated to see what was going to happen. First, the one for legumes began to get red. And inflamed. It got raised and angry looking. It was like I had a giant hive on my forearm.


I was really upset. I didn’t want to be allergic to legumes. Beans and peanuts are two of my favorite things. That meant no more peanut butter, or peanut butter cups, or boiled peanuts. No more black bean soup, or southwestern egg rolls, or refried bean burritos.


NO! I didn’t want to live in the tragic new world. I always said I was one of those people that wanted to know. I wanted the truth no matter how sad or painful it was. And now, I was regretting that decision.


As I sat there, settling down into a funk of delicious food deprived-ness, I saw the other scratches on my arms get inflamed. They all got swollen and red, it looked like I had gotten into some poison ivy (which I am, interestingly, not allergic to).

Now that poison ivy rash is like some kind of biological weapon nightmare. Ew.

I was stunned now. If this was true, I was allergic to everything she had tested me for. What did that mean for my life? No legumes, no dairy, no soy, no gluten, no whatever that fifth thing was. What the fuck was I going to eat? Fruit and vegetables? No way. I would rather feel shitty all the time. I would rather be dead.


The nurse came back in and I thrust my forearm into her kind face. I was like some deranged person on the street. Waving my arms in her unsuspecting face.


“Look at it! What does it mean?” It was more conspicuous than a Death Eater with the Dark Mark tattoo.

This is an admittedly cool tattoo, but I would rather align myself with Dumbledore’s Army or the Order of the Phoenix.

“Oh dear.” She responded. She sat me down.


“And what is this fifth thing? What else am I allergic to?!” I was getting worked up and upset. I couldn’t handle this many new health issues. I just couldn’t.


“It’s water.”


I was stunned. I was allergic to WATER?! That was the end of it. I wasn’t meant to live. Evolution had fucked up. How was I going to avoid water?


She laughed at the look on my face. “We use it as a control. Let me see your other arm.”


She took a pen lid and scratched my arm. Within five minutes it became red and inflamed, like the other side was.


“You have dermatographia.”

Man, I really ran with the whole Harry Potter theme here.


“I do?” It may not surprise some of you that I already knew what that was. “How? Why?”


“This proves it.” She showed me the non-test arm.


“Is it dangerous?”


“No, it just means I can’t test you for food allergies. You should keep a food journal and try the elimination diet to see what upsets your stomach.”


I said I would. But of course, I didn’t. I already knew what upset my stomach. Eating. Especially if I ate more than a serving or two of dairy or gluten in one day.

And instead of finding out all the foods I should avoid, I found out that I have a skin condition that I never realized I had.


25 thoughts on “Allergic to EVERYTHING!

  1. That’s too funny. You’re allergic to water.

    I did an elimination diet and found out I’m allergic to gluten. Which really sucks. But on the bright side, now that I’ve stopped eating gluten, I don’t run to the bathroom nearly as much, my depression is going away, and I have far more energy than I did before. Oh, and I don’t feel nauseous all the time.

    But god do I miss cake.

    • They have gluten free cake mixes and such. I know it isn’t the same. I make a great gluten free banana bread. Which also isn’t cake, but I don’t actually like cake.

      • Blasphemy!

        But I totally understand. I disliked cake as well until I discovered chocolate buttermilk cake that uses a pound of butter in the batter. It changed my mind on cake.

        But I’d still rather just eat chocolate peanut butter ice cream 🙂

      • I am just so picky, it isn’t even something you can apply logic to. I think we all have an area of our lives that we are so illogical about, and food is mine. And I embrace that shit.

  2. Well, it’s an answer. I wouldn’t go. Like you, I have so many allergies and skin conditions, or skin conditions caused by allergies, I’d expect to end up like the vile poison ivy photo, only everywhere!
    My big ones are obvious, at least! Whew!

  3. Early in our dating relationship, I noticed something scary about my husband’s skin – on one of our dates (his place; he made dinner) he was washing dishes (shocking!) and I happened to touch the back of his arm lightly with my hand. As I walked away, the spot where I touched him had raised, red, hand-shaped welts on it. I was so scared I poisoned him with my hand lotion or something! He has contact dermatitis yet it doesn’t itch or anything even though it looks nasty.

    • I basically gave up on that. It’s not like I was all that willing to change my eating habits anyway. I figure I’m going to die of a stroke; why worry about stomach aches and sugar?

  4. My sister is currently on some diet where she can’t eat anything – no wheat, gluten, sugar, soy, corn, eggs, rice and I’m sure I’ve forgotten a bunch of things. She basically only eats meat and produce. I can’t imagine anything more boring. But on the plus side, she’s lost something like 30 pounds so far and says she feels better than she ever has before.

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