Undead

It’s no secret that I should probably be dead. Evolutionarily, there is no real reason for my existence. In fact, if I had lived just 50 years ago, I probably would already be dead. I am merely alive through the sheer chance of science and modern medicine.

 

And that makes me undead.

I hope we have the technology to reanimate skeletons when I die. I am so in. After science has it’s way with me.

 

I am living a sort of second life. It is the life beyond what I should have lived. In all honesty, I am probably living a fourth or fifth life at this point.

 

Let’s examine the evidence:

 

I’ve had between 5 and 10 minor to major strokes. I’ve had 5 heart surgeries. Any one of those things should have killed me. Those things have killed many other people before me and will kill many more after me.

My first intentional pun!

I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs. On two separate occasions. Both of which could have resulted in a broken neck. I can only attest my surviving those incidents to my yoga and cat-like reflexes.

My reflexes are as good as this kitten’s.

I swallowed at least one, fairly large piece of glass. Which I suspect is still floating around waiting to lodge itself in some crucial organ. Like my lungs.

microscope lens

Excuse me, I just need to go swallow this real quick.

Not to mention all the things in my environment that are trying to kill me. For example, one time I brushed up against a plant at work. It had been recently sprayed with pesticides. I found out the hard way that I am allergic to them.

 

I broke out in hive all across my neck and throat. And then my face. And then my arms and hands. And then my throat started swelling so bad that I couldn’t turn my head. Or pesky other things, like breathe.

 

 

Know what’s sexy? Not hives.

I still don’t know what the pesticide was. Every once in a while, I will re-discover it and break out in hives again. It’s sort of like being a detective adventurer, except I could die.

 

Then there was the time my air conditioner broke in the middle of summer. I came home to a house that was almost 120 degrees. The AC men came out and fixed it, but after they left, I kept noticing a weird smell.

 

I let it go for a few days, but I felt like it was getting stronger, so I called them back. They said it was leaking freon, which they claim didn’t smell like anything. (Then what was I smelling, huh?!) They couldn’t fix it that day, but assured me it was no big deal. It was only harmful to people with heart problems.

 

It wound up taking them over a week to fix even after I told them I did have heart problems.

 

So, I am sick, and clumsy, and unlucky, and allergic to life. And I haven’t even mentioned my emotional problems. And I can’t even reproduce, not that I wanted to.  So why am I even alive, from an evolutionary standpoint? I really don’t know. Hopefully I am funny enough to be using up all the resources I am.

 

What about you guys? Are any of you undead too?

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22 thoughts on “Undead

  1. You are a lucky girl after all. It’s a good thing that you can laugh in the face of such adversity. And I’m laughing with you, even if I sometimes have a bad conscience about it. 🙂

    • I cant tell if that is a good wow or a bad wow. I am going to assume you are speechless from my wit and charm. And tell me about your undead story, if you have one.

      • I know we have chatted a bit about what has been going on in your life but I didn’t realize it has been THAT much!

        So yes, we can say I am speachless from your wit & charm. I will have to ponder on my undead story.

  2. I think I may be dying of some horrible disease just about every week or so. Of course, that might make me more of a hypochondriac than undead…but you never know.

  3. I am impressed that you have been able to survive so much. The only close call I ever had, besides surviving California Freeways, was when I was twenty and I rode a bicycle down a steep hill, when I got off it at the bottom of a hill and got off the front tire fell off.

  4. I am definitely undead. But only because I’m stupid like one of those squirrels that runs into the road, stops, runs to the side, then changes it’s mind and runs back across. In a zigzag.

  5. So I thought of doing a undead post, but I don’t think I can get enough outta it. Besides, it will pale in comparison to all you have experienced!

    I was in high school working on a science research project which required me carving out block of balsa wood. I was using an exacto knife and my left hand slipped and i jammed the knife into, slicing and through my hand!

    First problem…didn’t hurt at all. Second problem…didn’t bleed at all.

    It seems like minutes to me, probably was only seconds but I am looking at my gaping wound and I can clearly see all the muscles and tendons. I was fascinated by wiggling my finger and seeing everything move and work. So it was at this point where I was questioning my existence. I dunno about undead, but perhaps a Cylon? I was quickly disabused of any of this when eventually blood came gushing out in time with my heartbeat and I almost passed out from blood loss.

    Trip to the emergency room, 18 stitches, $500 out of pocket doctor’s bill and an epic ass-chewin’ from my Mom later I realized I was indeed among the land of the living.

  6. Pingback: Allergic to EVERYTHING! | Cursitivity

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