Losing It

Alright, I’m done yammering on about Seattle.

 

I’m ready to tell you about how I lost it…

 

My virginity.

 

I was never one of those people that put much value in being a virgin. I didn’t see the appeal of it. I still don’t. I didn’t so much ‘lose’ it as I did hurl it away from me like a live grenade.

 

 

Get it the fuck away from me!

 

I was ready to get it over with when I was 13. Luckily, mother nature, in her wisdom, made me completely unappealing to the opposite sex for many, many years. Which was good, because I have always liked men in their 30s and 40s.

 

By the time I was a senior in high school, I felt like the only girl that had never even officially kissed a boy. I was a fucking leper. And I was beyond ready to stop being a virgin.

 

 

I will venture to say that this is one of the best books on leprosy ever written. It changed my world view too.

 

I was always mooning over someone. But I am shockingly good at a) choosing the wrong guy. b) hiding my feelings so well that nobody in their right mind could possibly suspect I liked them in even a platonic way. And c) being so fucking awkward that even if someone did like me and I managed to show some semblance of interest I would put them off pretty quickly once they got to know me.

 

But that all changed when I met G. He was in my calculus class. I had never seen him before, which was noteworthy in my town. He was so handsome. He is still the objectively best looking person I have ever dated.

 

It turns out he was new at my school. And an exchange student from Germany. And in the wrong math class. We kept making eye contact the whole hour and a half.

 

I knew I would only get one chance to snatch him up for myself. I quickly scribbled him a ridiculous note with my phone number on it and gave it to him after class. For some unknown reason, he called me and asked me out.

 

We really got along. My awkward weirdness didn’t put him off. He got my sense of humor. And did I mention the accent and that he was really handsome? I still have a major thing for both foreign men and accents. They seem to like me more than American men too, even now.

 

I was ready to have sex before we ever went on that first date. But my friends told me I had to go out with him a few times. For some reason. Besides, I had no place to actually have sex considering we were two broke teenagers that lived at home.

 

I drove a pickup truck back then and decided that I was going to make it happen. In the bed of my truck. Like a total pimp.

 

My first car.

 

On our third date I brought a blanket and condoms and drove him out to a deserted orange grove. Orange blossoms have always been my favorite flower scent.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, the smell is overwhelming in the country, with groves on both sides of the road.

 

I suggested we lie down in the back and look at the stars. We lay there and talked for a while. He called me his girlfriend and that turned into a huge talk about our relationship and suddenly I had my first boyfriend.

 

I told him I wanted to have sex. And since he had done it with two girls back in Germany (allegedly) I expected him to know what he was doing. We started kissing and got undressed.

 

No foreplay, no romance. He showed me how to use a condom and then we commenced to doing it.

 

Only, we didn’t. Because for some strange reason, it didn’t fit. We tried for close to an hour, both of us getting increasingly frustrated until we gave up. It was awful.

 

I drove him home feeling like a failure. More than a failure; I felt cursed. Cursed with virginity.

 

I have always had close male friends. The next day at work one of them asked me if I had finally done it. I hung my head in shame and told him the whole story.

 

He asked me about foreplay. But I wasn’t sure what that entailed. Foreplay had never even occurred to me. This was before I had access to the depravity and information of the internet. I actually knew very little about how sex worked.

 

I had seen a few of my father’s vintage porn tapes on VHS. They never needed stretching or foreplay. And in movies that shit always appeared to work or fit or whatever. Not that they ever really showed anything. They kissed once or twice and then got down to business. Wasn’t that how it worked?

 

It’s not like I could get sex books out of the library. I think The Tropic of Cancer was the raciest thing I ever read. But that still didn’t explain the mechanics of anything. Mostly it was shocking language.

 

 

 

 

I just realized this is a book heavy post for a post about sex.

 

The one bookstore in my town was a family Christian bookstore. They didn’t even carry Catcher in the Rye because of the prostitute scene. It’s a small, close minded town.

 

 

 

I actually hated this book and now I realize I really need to do a post about books. I’ve waited far too long.

 

Both the school and library computers had strict parental controls. And don’t even get me started on the school sponsored sex ed program. Their mantra was ‘just say no.’

 

Those were dark times, readers. When all I had to go on was hearsay and rumors from my barely more experienced peers.

 

So the next Friday night, I took G back to that orange grove and tried to initiate some of this foreplay I had heard tell about. But he wasn’t interested. At all. I couldn’t figure it out.

 

It was sort of a sad deserted place. Unkempt.

 

We finally had terrible, terrible sex. But at least I wasn’t a virgin anymore.

 

The sex with him continued to be consistently bad for the duration of our relationship. It was so bad that I didn’t understand why sex was such a big deal in our society. And I certainly didn’t think it was worth getting an STD, or worse, pregnant over.

 

After we broke up and he headed back to Germany, I heard that he was gay. So that solved one mystery.
And I went on to have decent sex happily ever after.

Advertisements

25 thoughts on “Losing It

  1. Does anyone really have great sex the first time around? I mean, I’ve read about that kind of thing in books — but does it REALLY happen? I admire the fact that 1) you knew what you wanted and went after it and 2) you were smart enough to bring the condoms! PS — I ALSO drove a truck in high school — a huge red Ford with a snowplow on the front (in both summer and winter!) It was boss (and now my daughter is giving me judgey looks for saying “boss”)

    • Sometimes I wonder how much great sex anyone is ever really having. From what I hear from my friends, I would say not.

      Um, your daughter is misinformed. Boss is cool to say and that truck sounds magnificent. I wish I drove something like that now.

  2. Thank god someone else hated Catcher!
    And now I need to go find The Colony. My mother had some churchy kid’s book about the priest that spent time there, and it made it sound like Molokai was the greatest place ever. I guess the exile and disease didn’t really bother the author… :/

    • It is really an excellent book. But I am pretty obsessed with diseases. Molokai was an awful place (especially at first) and the fact that humans can exile each other in that way is terrible. Let me know how you like it if you read it.

  3. I wish more people would talk about how uncomfortable losing your virginity really is. It’s never like the movies, EVER! and no one talks about that, it’s all unrealistic. I like this post because it was totally realistic! And I like that you ended it with saying you had “decent sex” because honestly, mind-blowing stuff doesn’t happen all the time, either.
    I was one of “those” people that was a virgin until I was married, and I totally wish I’d been more properly informed about the whole deal. I’m slowly finding that it’s not just Christianity that fucks this up… it’s kind of our society as a whole. We showcase sex all the time but are freaked out to actually talk about it. Weird.

    • I could not agree with you more. I have had amazing sex. But that stuff is rare.

      It is more often awkward, uncomfortable, and unsatisfying. I wish our society talked about it more too. It puts too much pressure on people to be a certain way or have a certain skill level. And that is so unrealistic, especially for virgins.

      Virgins need to know the first time is going to be pretty bad, even with someone you care about. You have to push through all that to get to the decent stuff.

      • I had to reply to this.

        I have never met anyone who said their first time was good. That was a girl. Every guy I met who had sex for the first time said it was great because their penis was wet. Every girl I met said either it was awful or they cried (I cried a little, not going to lie).

        But it took a few different people to realize what I liked, what i hated, what I was willing to try and what I was going to say hell no to (For instance, I was invited to a three way with two gay guys, not interested) and I was asked to watch a married couple do it (Once again, no fucking way) but I found what I liked and my groove then it became AWESOME!

      • I have quite a few guy friends that have told me their first time was bad. But it was more of the “even bad pizza is pretty good” kind of bad. I agree, it is usually awful for women. But I think there are lots of reasons for that.

  4. I didn’t lose my first kiss until I was in college, and I was one horny teenager. But unlike you, since I think I’m a few years younger than you, I had the lovely internet porn since I had a computer in my room with high speed internet access.

    I also read lots of raunchy fan fiction of my favorite animes so I knew far more than the average virgin. However, my idea was if a guy kissed you, he wanted to bone you. I was mostly right.

    My first time with sex was with my first boyfriend, a journalist for the Fairbanks Daily News MIner, which, strangely enough, I’m still really good friends with. He made sure I was stretched out and that he popped my cherry a few days before with his GIANT fucking fingers, and when I had his tiny little dick, it didn’t hurt a lot.

    However, hearing simpsons playing in the background and him pounding away when I was very tender and crying wasn’t exactly the best first time I could have imagined. He felt bad and took me out for ice cream after.

    Because ice cream makes any 19 year old feel better from being sore from sex. And it eventually got better.

    Sorry, long reply. I hope you enjoyed my horrid story of losing my virginity.

    • I did! And I’m 29 but grew up in the dark ages. The combination of a small town and my family’s poverty kept me far more naive than I really should have been. I didn’t get a computer till my early 20s.

      You know what’s weird, I was just thinking about this earlier today. I pretty much think that if two people kiss they want to have sex. Regardless of gender. Unless you’re a bad kisser. I mean, I was willing to sleep with any guy I’ve kissed. And they seemed pretty interested in sleeping with me.

  5. I thoroughly enjoyed sex with my first partner, and my second, but that sure left a lot for others to live up to, lol!
    When I take an internal poll, only about a third were worth it.

  6. I was a late bloomer with that virginity losing stuff, but it didn’t bother me. It was partially by choice and by lack of confidence. When it was lost, it was meaningless as well. Shit happens, and we all eventually move on.

  7. Pingback: Waterbed Sex | Cursitivity

  8. Pingback: The Science of (Bad) Sex | Cursitivity

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s