May Search Terms

I’ve been away from the internet for a little while. I’ve been really busy trying to get my work finished so I could enjoy my vacation. Also, I’ve been making necklaces like crazy.


I’m going to Seattle tomorrow for a week to visit my sister, J. I could not be more excited! We are also spending a day in Portland. I may blog while I am up there, but probably not. Don’t worry, I will have lots of pictures and stories to tell when I return.


But for now, let’s look at my search terms for the month. One thing May has taught me is that there are a lot of sick perverts on the internet and Google apparently thinks I am one of them. There was a horrifyingly obscene amount of porn searches and most of them involve incest or bestiality. So much porn… *shudder*

Welp… moving right along:


Sexy cartoons: I’m impressed that more than 30 people were looking for that last month. More than one a day!

Giant rat Venice, Florida: I am really concerned about this giant rat.

The state of Florida facts:ย I hope you used my facts on a school report.

Strange plastic owls hanging everywhere?: I am really confused by this as I have never even mentioned my brother’s weirdo owl collection. Until now.

Handsome hairy men: There were several variations on this theme. I get it, ladies and gay men.

the weird anal of hell: I don’t know what this means, but I love it! That should be the name of a book.

slime monsters: Uh, what?

shamanic goat skull: Oh, I love you Google for directing that my way.

house sitting nightmare: The phone calls are coming from inside the house!

wound smells like rotten potato: You’re fucked!

cross stitch, if I had known how long this would take: Hahaha! Yeah, that shit takes forever.

can you masturbate after getting essure??: I like the double question marks. Like you urgently needed the answer.

what do you call a person who fucks stuffed animals and dolls: Plushophilia. You’re welcome.

why am I shaking and laughing so much: Hopefully it’s from reading my blog. Though you may have kuru. Have you been eating any human spinal cords lately?

nude men dressed as pirates on cycle: You know, I would actually like to see that too.

sexy rotten co-worker videos: I don’t know if anything rotten is sexy.

fucking throat has been sore for two weeks: Mine is at 4 weeks now. I’m probably going to die.

older sis and I used to get naked when we were home alone: Uh, no we didn’t. I have four older sisters and none of them ever got naked with me.

nude butt fucking stuffed animal: See plushophilia.

I used to do evil things to my sister’s barbies: What kind of evil? Like Santeria ritual sacrifice?



I have so many more. But I am actually too weirded out by some of the sex stuff to post it.








30 thoughts on “May Search Terms

  1. That’s it – I’m linking to your site cause your search terms are WAY better than mine! So what place do I have to see in Seattle? I have one more ink session in June – which is my 3rd time in Seattle- but mostly I have just hung out in my hotel rm and petted my sore arm. I will be in Pioneer square/Pike Market area

    • I’ve never been to Seattle before. I just want to see the mountain and my sister. I am really looking forward to Portland there is a ton there I am dying to see. I am probably going to pee myself with excitement! I will let you know what I enjoy while I am there.

  2. The weird anal of hell would also make a great name for a punk rock band. PS — according to the doctors in my OB/GYN office, yes — yes, you CAN masturbate after getting an Essure procedure. But WHY Ms. Google searcher? You have an Essure and no fears of pregnancy! You can actually have REAL sex!

    • After my essure procedure they said I couldn’t have sex or masturbate for a week. But I think the Google searcher was just too shy to ask their doctor. Unlike me.

      • Ohhh โ€“ she was probably asking about masterbating right AFTER her Essure. That makes a lot more sense! I just assumed she was asking โ€œCan I ever masterbate again — ever?” Duh!

  3. Holeee Shit. People are super gross and weird. And I still do not have search terms. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like it. I want some super gross perverts. Have fun on your trip and I will miss you! xoxoxoxo

  4. The weird anal of hell is definitely my favorite and needs to be the title of your memoir. And I have to confess that I too did terrible things to barbies. Mostly I just concocted incredibly disturbing scenarios to live out but there was also some violence, if we’re being honest.

  5. Also, I can’t believe you now willing did this to yourself — I’m talking the future crop of pervy searches you’re sure to get after tagging your post with the a and m wordโ€ฆ (I’m not writing out the words cos I don’t need anyone searching “geisha m——–ing” finding an avatar of me.) Several winks. Or one nervous tick.

    • To be fair, I do talk about masturbating on occasion. But I am pretty sure I’ve never talked about anal. Maybe that’s what I get for mentioning suppositories.

  6. I know I’m coming to this 4 months late – but I’m trying to catch up!! Your list of search terms is odd, true. But one has me wondering – How can a naked man be dressed as a pirate? Aren’t ‘naked’ and dressed’ sorta mutually exclusive?

    Things that make you go hmmmmmm . . .

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