By this point all of you know that I live in Florida. And I’m sure those of you that haven’t been here have some ideas of what Florida is like. Probably some of you that have been here have some idea of what it’s like too. You’re probably also just as wrong.
I was born here. And so was my mother. I’ve lived all over this state for my entire life. So I am going to share a little something about Florida with you:
1. Florida is full of serial killers. Probably.
The FBI believes there are 100 active serial killers in the United States right now. That’s two for every state. However, some states can’t support two. I’m looking at you, Dakotas and Rhode Island. So some of the more populous states have to pick up the slack. New York, California, Texas, Nevada, and Florida.
Also, Florida has a large homeless, transient, elderly, and tourist population. Lots of people that could disappear for a while without being missed. In addition, I once read the environment here is ideal for quick decomposition of bodies. Between the heat, humidity and swamps. And that’s without taking alligators into consideration. Are you guys worried about how much I have considered this yet?
2. Florida is full of bugs. Giant, prehistoric bugs. They are fucking everywhere. And they can fly. I am starting to think my apartment is some kind of cockroach mecca. I never see live ones around. I think they just come here to die. What can I say, my apartment has good energy.
3. Florida is enormous and beautiful and seedy and wonderful. There is a strange kind of dichotomy between the huge sprawling cities and the acres and acres of glorious nature. We do have gorgeous beaches (naked ones too). And haunting swamp lands. And miles of orange groves with delicious smelling blossoms. (Fun fact: I lost my virginity in an orange grove). And Native American historical sites. And Wawas popping up everywhere I look.
4. Florida is the country’s penis. It’s true. I won’t name names, but a few cities here are actually just raging genital warts. You’re welcome for that image.
5. There is a geographic difference in Florida. North Florida is basically southern Georgia/Alabama in every way possible. The accents, redneckery, everything.
Central Florida is a festive mix of rednecks, retirees, native Floridians, Hispanics. It’s a colorful mess of people that mostly hate each other.
Southern Florida has a heavy Hispanic population and a huge Jewish population. It’s also the most beautiful part of the state. Please visit.
And then you have people that live on the coast. Beach side people are either true Floridians, or they should have been. Beach side people are all tanned, leathery skin.
The men are scraggly, scrawny, and shirtless and ride their bicycles down to the gas station to buy beer because they lost their license from too many DUIs. The women are just as scrawny and scraggly. They wear garish makeup and bikini tops from the 80s and jean cut-off shorts. Actually, just imagine everything terrible from the 80s. That’s the fashion here. Sometimes I look at the beachside and think that seeing it in the daytime is like seeing your grandmother naked. It is kind of sad and seedy. But I still love it. (Not that I love my grandparents. Or seeing them naked).
PS These are all generalizations. Except for the serial killer part. That shit is true.