Florida Facts

By this point all of you know that I live in Florida. And I’m sure those of you that haven’t been here have some ideas of what Florida is like. Probably some of you that have been here have some idea of what it’s like too. You’re probably also just as wrong.

 

Ha. Florida is awesome!

 

I was born here. And so was my mother. I’ve lived all over this state for my entire life. So I am going to share a little something about Florida with you:

 

1. Florida is full of serial killers. Probably.

 

The FBI believes there are 100 active serial killers in the United States right now. That’s two for every state. However, some states can’t support two. I’m looking at you, Dakotas and Rhode Island. So some of the more populous states have to pick up the slack. New York, California, Texas, Nevada, and Florida.

 

Also, Florida has a large homeless, transient, elderly, and tourist population. Lots of people that could disappear for a while without being missed. In addition, I once read the environment here is ideal for quick decomposition of bodies. Between the heat, humidity and swamps. And that’s without taking alligators into consideration. Are you guys worried about how much I have considered this yet?

 

They will straight up devour your corpse.

 

2. Florida is full of bugs. Giant, prehistoric bugs. They are fucking everywhere. And they can fly. I am starting to think my apartment is some kind of cockroach mecca. I never see live ones around. I think they just come here to die. What can I say, my apartment has good energy.

 

Actual size shown here.

 

3. Florida is enormous and beautiful and seedy and wonderful. There is a strange kind of dichotomy between the huge sprawling cities and the acres and acres of glorious nature. We do have gorgeous beaches (naked ones too). And haunting swamp lands. And miles of orange groves with delicious smelling blossoms. (Fun fact: I lost my virginity in an orange grove). And Native American historical sites. And Wawas popping up everywhere I look.

 

Total Florida here. Beautiful beach sold to build condos.

 

Not THE orange grove. But similar.

 

 

Hint: There are 5 gators and 500 million bugs in this photo. Probably some fish too.

 

4. Florida is the country’s penis. It’s true. I won’t name names, but a few cities here are actually just raging genital warts. You’re welcome for that image.

 

5. There is a geographic difference in Florida. North Florida is basically southern Georgia/Alabama in every way possible. The accents, redneckery, everything.

 

Central Florida is a festive mix of rednecks, retirees, native Floridians, Hispanics. It’s a colorful mess of people that mostly hate each other.

Downtown Orlando every day in the summer.

Southern Florida has a heavy Hispanic population and a huge Jewish population. It’s also the most beautiful part of the state. Please visit.

So gorgeous to visit!

 

And then you have people that live on the coast. Beach side people are either true Floridians, or they should have been. Beach side people are all tanned, leathery skin.

 

 

 

Yup. There we go.

 

The men are scraggly, scrawny, and shirtless and ride their bicycles down to the gas station to buy beer because they lost their license from too many DUIs. The women are just as scrawny and scraggly. They wear garish makeup and bikini tops from the 80s and jean cut-off shorts. Actually, just imagine everything terrible from the 80s. That’s the fashion here.  Sometimes I look at the beachside and think that seeing it in the daytime is like seeing your grandmother naked. It is kind of sad and seedy. But I still love it. (Not that I love my grandparents. Or seeing them naked).
PS These are all generalizations. Except for the serial killer part. That shit is true.

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39 thoughts on “Florida Facts

  1. Aw I really wanna visit Florida especially for the wildlife. My boyfriend is goin to Orlando next month. I’m so jealous

  2. Those cockroaches that fly…palmetto bugs. I had never seen one before I moved here. Those fuckers also leave a stain and a smell when you smush them. They’re slow as fuck though when they’re not flying…making them not too hard to kill.

    I’ve made many a boy come over to do so…

    • They are disgusting and I could regale you with horror stories of waking up to one crawling on me. Or taking a big swig of milk only to see one floating in the glass. True horror.

      • In the food cabinet when I went to get chips out. I slammed the cabinet door and apparently stunned him or killed him… I devised a three step play for my roommate and I to get rid of it, clean out the cabinet and spray bug stuff in there… when it came to actually doing it, we both bailed and called a boy to take care of it.

        They’re horrible.

      • I can totally relate — when I lived in Corpus Christi there were roaches everywhere — the little ones, the medium size ones, and the big flying ones. I once turned on my blow dryer and had one blow right out and into my hair. After much screaming and flinging of my head, I couldn’t find that fucker anywhere — and spent the rest of the day convinced it was crawling around my roots. It gives me the heebie-jeebies just thinking about it!

      • Welp, I wont be sleeping tonight. Thanks for sharing that fucking horror story! If I see one alive, I can not rest until it is found and eliminated. I cant imagine. I couldn’t live like that, not knowing where it is…

    • Alright. But please make sure you are dying of an obvious natural cause before you make that pilgrimage. I am a busy man. I don’t have time for some bogus police inquiry.

  3. What a fantastic write-up on Florida! You should really write for a Travel Magazine. Particularly when describing Florida as the country’s Penis! 🙂 I’ve been to Southern Florida and have enjoyed it very much. It’s very much like Puerto Rico where we have the Mother of the Cucarachas that fly! And the lizards!

    • I have always thought I’d make a great travel copy writer. I am glad to see others coming around too. Maybe I should submit this piece to the Orange County Tourist Development Council.

  4. This is too funny, I wrote a blog today about how to kill people. And the cockroaches is what keeps me away. That, and florida will make your chub rub flare up big time. Not dealing with that shit.

  5. I’ll swap yours for mine!

    Those damn freaking flying rat sized cockroaches are going to give me an aneurysm from screaming like a girl, flapping and running in circles. I mortify myself when one is dive bombing me.

    I feel your pain.

    • I have this irrational fear that one night I am going to be going to the bathroom and not notice a roach on the toilet paper. I will never, never recover.

      • Ugggghhhh… I woke up once to one crawling on my neck. I never got back to sleep and now I put a roach free barricade in my room.

        Usually it involves one of those plug in doodads.

  6. My mom’s family used to own a business in Florida, and we went there every summer until I was about 8 (when they sold it) for family business meetings. I remember exactly 3 things.

    1. I met Shamu at SeaWorld.
    2.) Every time I got out of the shower, I was just as sweaty wet as I was before I got in.
    3.) I wasn’t allowed to play in the yard because rattlesnakes.

    So now when I think of Florida, I’ll think of those things, your blog, and Dexter.

  7. I’m totally jealous of your corpse eating alligators. In my neck of the woods, I’d have to rely on wild boars (but I hear they do an excellent job — I’ll let you know 😉

  8. Now I am curious about getting to Florida I have never been that far East the farthest East I have ever been was 10 miles shy of the Alabama Mississippi state line.

    Also please send me your Email so i can send you some suggestions for your pending Portland trip.

    • You totally should visit sometime! I will give you a list of sights to see depending on where you go. I’m going to send you an email now. Thanks for the suggestions. You are a sweetheart!

  9. Pingback: 29 Before 29: Update 1 | ...More Than Sweet Potatoes

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