I have the worst writer’s block right now. I keep staring at that blinking cursor. I have so many stories left to tell. But the words are not coming out the way I want.
Instead I thought I would share an essay I wrote for NPR. It was for a project called This I Believe. I was 27 and had had 3 heart surgeries in the past year. I went on to have 2 more after writing this.
I still feel this way about my life. I try not to be too serious on here. Or too much in anyone’s face about religion, optimism, or personal philosophies. I genuinely believe all my problems and troubles have made me a better person. And definitely a more understanding one. And that optimism is something I cannot help or control any more than I can stop being tall or having brown eyes.
I hate my older writings. I try to avoid even reading it. But, I actually still like this. NPR did put it in their archives somewhere. It isn’t funny, at all. Feel free to skip it and wait for my next post which will hopefully be funnier. Here it is:
My family was quite poor when I was a child. And I was always acutely aware of the expense I caused my parents. Out of seven children, I was always the one who needed things. I used to wonder, why me?
At six it was speech therapy, I had a tongue abnormality. At eight it was braces, I had a jaw deformity. At eleven it was glasses. And last year, at twenty-six, it was heart surgery, I had a heart defect.
Actually it was multiple heart surgeries. At this moment in my life; the cardiologist isn’t sure of my prognosis. Will I need more heart surgeries? Will I need to be on medication for the rest of my life? Will I die?
At first I wanted to be mad at someone. It wasn’t fair. But I don’t believe in God, and I don’t feel like I can blame my parents. (Even though they sometimes blame themselves).
Instead I came to a realization. Bad things will happen in my life, and so will good. I can learn from the bad, or not. And I can appreciate the good, or not. Whichever I please. But this I believe. My life will be as good as I want it to be. Or as bad as I allow it to be.
My perspective in life determines the type of life I lead. Now sometimes I wonder, why me? And then I think of how much I have changed for the better since my heart surgeries. I’m more aware of social issues and I care about them more. I volunteer. I’ve taken steps to live a more mindful and environmentally friendly lifestyle. I’m kinder to my friends, family, and strangers. I’m more forgiving. I even tip more. Why me? Well, why not me?