My Crafting Adventures: Cross Stitch

When my sister, M, had her son, I made a guided cross stitch bib for him. It was a cheery outdoor scene with blue cross stitch skies. It was basically a paint by numbers for cross stitch. I was 13.

I can’t even find something awful enough. Cutesy like this. But worse.


Two years ago I was playing on some random internet site, looking at crafty things, as I am wont to do. I saw something amazing. It was a dirty cross stitch. Adult cross stitch!

If you haven’t seen the ‘Washington Rap’ do it. Now!


I quickly did a Google image search for anything I could find. And I could find a lot. Google images; the good things you lead me to almost make up for the horrible images that scar me forever.

When I am having a bad day, this video makes me laugh. Every. Damn. Time.


I loved the idea of combining foul language with something as old fashioned and old lady-ish as cross stitch. I determined to immediately make a few bookmarks. After all, I am extremely foul mouthed, hence the name of this blog. And I am super crafty. Besides, I had cross stitched once upon a time.


The supplies were easy enough to come by. And I already knew what my first grown up cross stitch was going to say.


But I really didn’t know the first thing about laying out a cross stitch pattern. In my typical half assed fashion I just decided to wing it. I figured I could just make it up as I go long. This has historically not worked out very well for me.


I can not tell you how little I thought about it before I started (which should be the unofficial title of this blog). I began that fucking bookmark 10 times. I kept stopping and starting and undoing the stitching. It was extremely frustrating. Especially when I could have been spending hours on a craft project I was actually good at.


But I finally got it laid out. There is a surprising amount of math involved in most craft projects. And despite this post, I am usually very lazy about math.


You’ll notice at the bottom I had to change the border size. Oh well.


I went out and bought some graph paper to help me plan out my next bookmarker. It went much more smoothly. It only took me 3 tries to get it laid out the way I wanted.


It says: Be the cockblock you wish to see… It’s from a feminist blog about not sleeping with assholes and Gandhi too, I guess. Reminds me of that John Waters quote about not fucking people that don’t read. Words to live by.

I have lofty goals for my next cross stitch projects. I am imagining floral embroidered tablecloths and funny stitched wall hangings.



How many times can I mention Alan Tudyk before he gets a restraining order?

And then, the other day, my sister, J, sent me this:


Squee! Cross stitched diseases!

And now I absolutely have to make that too. The combination of two of my great loves: crafting and diseases. My life will not be complete without it.


10 thoughts on “My Crafting Adventures: Cross Stitch

  1. I do these!!!

    My next project is something along these lines…

    “I’d call you a cunt but you lack both the depth and the warmth…. ❤ "

    I want it on a pillow. For my sofa.

    Because it makes me giggle.

      • I have quite a lot of stuff! I just made a batch of moogles via amigamuri – I did a blog post about it last year.. Am crocheting a nipple beanie for my friends bump at the moment. Will post pics on blog when it’s done 🙂

  2. Bahaha… me and my sisters used to get cross-stitching kits from Hobby Lobby… I don’t think I ever finished one. My twin loved it though, she was all about the old fashioned stuff. I don’t know if she finished one either, but she sure loved doing it. This twist you have on it is great though!!! so awesome.

  3. Nothing says awesome like curse words in cross stitch.

    How many times do you have to mention Alan Tudyk is similar to asking “How many licks does it take to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?” Just keep doing it until you get there.

  4. Pingback: My Crafting Adventures: Embroidery | Cursitivity

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