First date

I have been really busy looking for a new place to move to. But don’t worry, I still managed to find the time to have this happen to me:

This past Saturday an anomaly occurred within the universe. I was out enjoying my day when an incredibly handsome man that I know asked me out. He and I are not friends, but I know him through another friend.

Let me tell you right now, that I have always been a bit judgmental towards attractive men. I spent most of my life believing that there was no way a conventionally good looking man would ever like me. And if he did, it would either be as a joke to humiliate me or he would be abusive.

I always preferred tall, chubby, hairy men. Nerdy guys with glasses and bad clothes. Older men. Beards. I liked faces with character and people that were interesting looking. Like sexy  ugly, if that makes sense.

I think he is super hot and my friends are like, no Nathan Fillian is the hot one.

I never found these “handsome” men to be attractive. I always likened them to paintings in a museum. I could stare at them all day and appreciate their beauty and artistry. But I could never own one.

Gorgeous! But out of my price range.

This lead me to act like myself around handsome men. They didn’t make me nervous because I knew I had no chance. I was only ever going to be their super cool friend.

But I realized how weirdly shallow this was of me. Good looking people can’t help their appearance any more than bad looking ones can. It was actually pretty rude of me to assume that someone good looking was a bad person. Besides, I have been dating my ‘interesting’ looking men for 12 years and quite a few of them were abusive. So I decided to allow handsome men to date me (I’m a giving person like that).

When this gorgeous dude asked me to go to the beach with him, I was like: “Sure. But just so you know, I hate the beach.”

J and I texted back and forth for a few hours. He was interesting and we had a lot in common. But warning bells were already going off. Not enough to make me change my mind. But enough to make me realize there wasn’t going to be a second date, for sure.

He started telling me all about myself. Maybe this is just me, but I don’t like it when men I don’t know very well tell me how sweet I am. What the fuck do you know about it? Also, I think ‘sweet’ is code for ‘doormat.’ Don’t call me sweet, call me kind. That’s what I am.

Then when he didn’t like how I responded to a question; he told me how I was supposed to respond. He had just unleashed my inner bitch.

“Why are you even bothering to text me? If you already know how you want this conversation to go, just write yourself a script and act out both parts. You don’t need me for that.”

He did not like that one bit. How’s that for ‘sweet’, motherfucker?

He apologized. By this point I was having serious doubts about the beach. But, he was the friend of a friend. And the friend hadn’t said anything negative about J. I was willing to let it go. I haven’t been on a date in a very long time. Did I also mention that he was hot?

The next day he texted me.

“I’ll be leaving for the beach tomorrow at 8am. 8:15 at the latest.”

I responded. “That’s a bit early for me. I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning. Can we push it back to 9 or 9:30?”

“No.” He replied.

I was surprised. “Well, can you at least come pick me up so I have time to see my doctor.”

“No. You need to meet me at my place.”

Now, I was really stunned. “Well, I won’t be meeting you at 8, so I guess I am not going to the beach.”  I sort of expected him to relent at this point or maybe make plans to meet up with me later.

Instead he said, “Fine. Please delete my number and I’ll delete yours. I won’t bother you anymore.”

Seriously.

Now I was shocked. What. The. Actual. Fuck. Who the hell acts like that?

All I could say was “Okay.”

He said a few things about how he didn’t have any hard feelings and hoped I didn’t either. But, could I not tell anyone that he had asked me out. (Which is exactly why I am telling all of you right now).

I chose to not respond as the only things I could think of to say would have been very counterproductive.

So, he called me. Our conversation consisted of him repeating his last texts and me telling him to delete my number and never contact me again.

The next day I told my doctor that she had definitely saved me from going on a date with someone that was disturbed in some way.

Who the hell acts like that on an attempt at a first date? Did he think I was going to cancel my doctor’s appointment to go to the beach with him? Where do I find these men? And, most importantly, why do I seem to draw them to me?

At least all is now right with the universe again.

SECOND UPDATE: Damn, I just realized some other point I was trying to make here. I hate when that happens. I always said I didn’t want to be one of those women that ‘tested’ men. But I don’t see how I can NOT do that. I’m starting to see how important it is to find out how someone reacts when they don’t get what they want. And the sooner the better. I think it will help me to avoid guys like this one too.

UPDATE: I just thought of someone better to use as an example of a guy I like that is unconventional. Because Alan Tudyk is seriously hot. Here you go:

Richard Dreyfuss in Jaws. Check off the list: Nerdy, glasses, hairy, beard. Done!

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28 thoughts on “First date

  1. Oh man, but I am glad for that doctor’s appointment leading to this reveal! His texts would have made me chuckle nervously before reading de Becker; now they set off huge “hell, no” warning bells.

    I am not interested in playing a role for anyone. If someone wants a puppet instead of a person in their lives, they should consider actually buying a puppet, not trying to make someone else be what they want. But then, to some such people, the joy is in the smothering. Ugh.

    • The Gift of Fear is amazing! Another good one to read is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Those authors have helped to save me from many bad situations. But yeah. The more I spoke with him, the less I wanted to be alone with him.

  2. Dafuq??? that was definitely my response reading this. I’m socially awkward with men and I STILL KNOW not to respond with that kind of crazy when setting up a first date! Lordy…

    • I was very taken aback by how quickly it went downhill. They usually save that till you are actually in a relationship. There’s a difference between socially awkward and manipulative. I’m awkward too. But we both know to not act that way.

  3. Gurrrlllll-
    The world is full of assholes. And I see you have run into your fair share if them.

    He sounds like a lunatic. But, the sooner the better. I have spent far too much time on men who have a better “cover” – it just takes a little longer for the fucked up selfish bastard they are to fully emerge. They have to ripen- like stinky cheese, I guess.

    • Took my ex husband two years. I have a theory that they wait until they think they “have” you. Whatever that means to them. Dating, living together, marriage. But, once they have you, they unleash the shitty, abusive, kraken lurking inside them. This guy either couldn’t help himself or he thought he was hot enough (or I was desperate enough) for me to put up with his bad behavior. But like I said, he did not know who he was fucking with. Also, thanks for coming by. I have much funnier stories around here than this one.

      • I’m in the gym. And I just started laughing out loud at the “kraken” thing you wrote.
        Damn, you give Good Comment! I love krakens but they’re so obscure- I may have to use that in my next post! I mentioned them once but this bears repeating!

      • I’m glad I can make you laugh. And you are not the first person to say I give Good Comment. They literally used those exact words. I guess it’s been verified to be true now that you’ve said it too.

      • And I love the bit about releasing the dirty abusive kraken.

        I had an experience like that right on WordPress. Where someone is real nice…until they’re not.

        Ick.

      • Isn’t that always the way? I call it the ‘you’re ugly anyway, phenomena.’ I’m sure you’ve experienced this. Some guy on the street comes up and is all “Hey baby. You’re so fine. Let me get your number. You’re too pretty to not have a man.” And when you are like “No thank you.” Suddenly he turns. “Whatever, bitch. You’re ugly and fat anyway.” And then you are just like “What? Then why did you come up to begin with?” They put you on a pedestal, but they are ready to knock you off it the second you aren’t receptive.

      • Amen, sister! My ex, “The Loser” was like that — perhaps I should change his name to “The Shitty Kraken” — it has a ring to it!

  4. Hello! Aussa recommended your blog to me, so I’m new here.
    This guy sounds like he’s legit crazy. I’m so glad that you didn’t actually get stuck at the beach with him. What a jerk!
    I also have a thing for sexy ugly. My favorite example is Benicio Del Toro. No one agrees with me that he’s hot. Oh well!!

    • Thanks for coming by! Aussa is the best. And I agree Benicio is either super hot or weird looking in everything. I’m with you. If you type in sexy ugly to Google images his picture actually comes up. Good call.

      • That is hilarious!! My husband has wondered why I like to watch his movies. I’m all, “Uhhh I don’t know. He’s a good actor?”…

  5. That dude is a special kind of crazy! He tells you not to tell anyone that he asked you out? What the hell is up with THAT? Is he afraid that word is going to get out that you ruined his dating batting average? Perhaps he doesn’t want any other potential victims/dates to get the idea that they can be uppity with him or actually express their needs and wants?

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