Hollow Tooth Theory

I had a check up at the dentist’s on Monday. I know you would think I had learned my lesson after the last time. But I didn’t. It’s like the dental care never ends!


They started cleaning my mouth and giving me shit for my poor flossing habits. It’s not that I don’t floss, it’s that I do it too rough and have sensitive gums.


So I changed the subject by complaining about my jaw hurting pretty regularly. And, since I have really terrible nightmares on a frequent basis I suggested that I was clenching in my sleep. Smart move on my part. Because now they are really pushing for me to get a mouthguard (which I’m sure will only make me even more sexy).


Then hottie dentist came in and started being all overly friendly and touching me in places that I found inappropriate. Which in this context means touching me anywhere other than inside my mouth. Which is weird when you think about it.


There is no way I would let anyone else stick their hand inside my mouth and I pay this guy to do it. What if that was a turn on for me? Wouldn’t that make him a prostitute? Paid for by my insurance.


Anyway, they put this laser in my mouth that measures my tooth density. It’s used to check for cavities. They put it on one of my back wisdom teeth and even I knew the reaction of that machine was not good. It started having a seizure. My teeth are so shitty I gave a machine epilepsy.

Also, that wand looks like a skinny penguin.

Hottie dentist then tells me that he wants to open up that tooth and see what’s going on inside it. Immediately.


And I can’t help myself. “Do you think it’s hollow?”


He laughs a little. “It’s probably not hollow. It would have already broken.”


“But what if it was hollow? What if you crack into it and it’s like the hollow earth theory from Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne? What if you open it up and find a whole ecosystem in there with it’s own sun and little creatures living inside my tooth?”

Inside the Earth. Also, my tooth.

Hottie dentist is cracking up now. “That won’t happen.”


The dental assistant (who is also gorgeous, think Amy Adams in a few years) says “I’m beginning to see why you have nightmares. That would just about do it for me.”


And now I can’t get the thought out of my head. I am calling it Hollow Tooth Theory.


So they get me all numbed up with the coolest looking needles ever. And I reminded the dentist it took two shots last time. But he already remembered that I was a troublemaker.

They seriously could not be cooler.

He gives me two shots and we start going for it. But two was not enough. So he gets back in there and gives me four more smaller shots (seriously).

Turns out I just had a normal sized cavity in there. But I am going back on Friday to drill into the other wisdom tooth. I am looking forward to the expedition. Stay tuned for Hollow Tooth Theory part 2.


Also, they recommended that I start rinsing with Listerine. But I am such a wuss when it comes to things like that. I think I have a chemical burn on my tongue now. Seriously. I cant even chew Big Red (and I love cinnamon gum) because it gives me blisters.


17 thoughts on “Hollow Tooth Theory

  1. “…the coolest looking needles,” ha! Let’s put it this way — I’d prefer The Hollow Tooth Theory turning out to be real (mine, not yours), than facing six of those “cool” needle shots!

    I giggled all through reading this, and I’m still tickled thinking of the hottie dentist as an unknowing prostitute.

    • I think I am so desensitized to things like that now after the past few years of health issues. I don’t even care about needles anymore, or my dignity.

  2. I cannot unsee the skinny penguin now.

    I am glad your dentist has a sense of humor. Mine is a hottie too, which helps a lot.

    • I didn’t choose him because he was sexy. But I sure don’t mind. I actually think all my healthcare providers are attractive. I have a handsome cardiologist, a gorgeous PCP/GYN, a pretty physical therapist, and hottie dentist.

    • Ugh. That is the worst. For me I think the worst part is the feel of the drill on my teeth. The vibration is like nails on a chalkboard. Only in my mouth.

  3. NO. just no. I hate HATE the dentist!!! I mean, I don’t hate my actual dentist, he’s really nice, but nonononono. Me no likey. I’m a total wuss. I’m pretty sure I have something bad going on with one (at least) of my teeth right now but I’m choosing to ignore it. I actually go regularly, every 6 months you know, but I dread it for a whole month before hand!

    Very funny post! Despite it giving me heeby jeebies, I giggled many times. 🙂

    • Thank you. And I tend to kind of forget about all my doctor’s appointments until they call to remind me beforehand. It’s better that way. Then I don’t have to think about any of it.

  4. “The dental assistant (who is also gorgeous, think Amy Adams in a few years) says…”

    I really must play closer attention when I read. I TOTALLY missed the part where this was a dental assistant — and I HAD read the part where the dentist was a man…so I was thinking to myself, “I’m not so sure him looking like Amy Adams is actually a GOOD thing — I don’t think it would make him a wickedly handsome hottie hunk of a man.”

    Then I re-read the paragraph and clarity arrived. *Bop to the forehead* Let’s just blame this on old age, OK?

  5. All due respect to your dentist, but given your sensitive gums and mouth, I recommend a rinse that doesn’t contain any alcohol. I did well with ACT(tm), but other companies make brands that are just as good.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s