I had a check up at the dentist’s on Monday. I know you would think I had learned my lesson after the last time. But I didn’t. It’s like the dental care never ends!
They started cleaning my mouth and giving me shit for my poor flossing habits. It’s not that I don’t floss, it’s that I do it too rough and have sensitive gums.
So I changed the subject by complaining about my jaw hurting pretty regularly. And, since I have really terrible nightmares on a frequent basis I suggested that I was clenching in my sleep. Smart move on my part. Because now they are really pushing for me to get a mouthguard (which I’m sure will only make me even more sexy).
Then hottie dentist came in and started being all overly friendly and touching me in places that I found inappropriate. Which in this context means touching me anywhere other than inside my mouth. Which is weird when you think about it.
There is no way I would let anyone else stick their hand inside my mouth and I pay this guy to do it. What if that was a turn on for me? Wouldn’t that make him a prostitute? Paid for by my insurance.
Anyway, they put this laser in my mouth that measures my tooth density. It’s used to check for cavities. They put it on one of my back wisdom teeth and even I knew the reaction of that machine was not good. It started having a seizure. My teeth are so shitty I gave a machine epilepsy.
Hottie dentist then tells me that he wants to open up that tooth and see what’s going on inside it. Immediately.
And I can’t help myself. “Do you think it’s hollow?”
He laughs a little. “It’s probably not hollow. It would have already broken.”
“But what if it was hollow? What if you crack into it and it’s like the hollow earth theory from Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne? What if you open it up and find a whole ecosystem in there with it’s own sun and little creatures living inside my tooth?”
Hottie dentist is cracking up now. “That won’t happen.”
The dental assistant (who is also gorgeous, think Amy Adams in a few years) says “I’m beginning to see why you have nightmares. That would just about do it for me.”
And now I can’t get the thought out of my head. I am calling it Hollow Tooth Theory.
So they get me all numbed up with the coolest looking needles ever. And I reminded the dentist it took two shots last time. But he already remembered that I was a troublemaker.
He gives me two shots and we start going for it. But two was not enough. So he gets back in there and gives me four more smaller shots (seriously).
Turns out I just had a normal sized cavity in there. But I am going back on Friday to drill into the other wisdom tooth. I am looking forward to the expedition. Stay tuned for Hollow Tooth Theory part 2.
Also, they recommended that I start rinsing with Listerine. But I am such a wuss when it comes to things like that. I think I have a chemical burn on my tongue now. Seriously. I cant even chew Big Red (and I love cinnamon gum) because it gives me blisters.