Saturday night was my company’s x-mas party. As I am still single (which is a shock to no one), I took a very good friend of mine.
We arrived at the party and I am squeezed into a sexy red dress that is not at all suitable to my personality or propensity for eating ungodly quantities of food in one sitting. The dress was expensive and the ONLY nice thing I own. But even I can admit, I looked good.
I work in a blue collar type of job and my normal work attire is polo, jeans, and work boots, so for most of the night I am waving hello to people that don’t recognize me, look right through me, walk right past me.
We finally get down to the real business of the night: dinner.
I am seated with my date on my left and a peer’s pregnant wife on my right. She is wearing a sparkly black dress that makes me look like a fat beast, even though she is the pregnant one.
The only thing to drink at our table is water. And lord knows, I fucking love water. But I need something with flavor while I eat.
So, I get up on an ill conceived search for a beverage. I approach one of the servers and ask for a sweet tea for myself and a diet coke for my date. The woman’s English isn’t great, but she assures me they have sweet tea. Only sweet tea.
After a few minutes a tall blonde, Russian lady comes over. She takes my napkin and places it in my lap, which I find uncomfortable and very forward.
She asks what we are drinking and I again say a sweet tea and a diet coke. She says there is no sweet tea but she will bring me sugar and walks away faster than I can change my order.
After a few more minutes, an older Russian man comes over. He asks if we have ordered the tea and coke. I tell him I now want a coke and a diet coke as I don’t drink unsweet tea.
And who are we all trying to kid by acting like me dumping a packet of sugar into cold iced tea somehow transforms it into sweet tea. Let’s stop the madness people. That’s unsweet tea with a clump of undissolved sugar in the bottom of my glass.
The Russian woman comes back and hands my date the diet coke. Then she moves around to my right side and dumps the entire glass of unsweet tea on the pregnant woman, D, and myself.
D jumps up and the server is horrified to see her pregnant belly. The server begins apologizing to her while rubbing all over my lap, trying to dry my dress. It is making me really uncomfortable as I don’t like being touched; and I keep trying to kind of politely push her away but she is being very persistent.
The tablecloth is soaked, my napkin is soaked, my dress is soaked in places, and there is even a bit of tea in my food.
She is apologizing profusely and is now offering to pay to have my dress dry cleaned.
Anyone who knows me will not be surprised to hear that I have not even stopped eating. I was very hungry,the food was good, and I will stop at nothing to eat every damn bite on my plate.
I laugh at her offer and try to wave her away. At this point I’d be happy if she would just stop rubbing on me.
She leaves and I ask D if she is okay. She looks upset but says she is fine. I turn back to my date and continue eating.
My drink order gets sorted out. And I think the whole ordeal is over.
But no, the Russian lady comes back with another cloth napkin for me, which she again places in my lap and begins trying to dry me off some more. She also brought out “very special absorbent wipes” (ie: paper napkins).
When she finally leaves, I lean over to D and say, “Did you see her rubbing all over me? I think that spilled drink was just a ploy to cop a feel.”
We all laugh and resume eating.
The rest of the night was fairly uneventful. Notable highlights were me Hoovering huge slices of chocolate mousse cake, which I immediately regretted.
And then I went into the bathroom and someone coming out of a stall opened their door and hit me, tearing the brand new stockings I had bought that day for this occasion. The girl didn’t even apologize or look at me. It was a total hit and run.
Maybe she just didn’t know who I was in my fancy dress. I should have demanded to know if she realized who I was.