When my younger sister and I were very young and impressionable, we saw a news story about a man going to the bathroom on his toilet in his own house when a snake came out of the sewer pipe and bit him on the butt.
I had not been afraid of snakes. And I am still not. But that story made me and my sister terrified of sitting on a toilet. And I still am (but only a little).
As a result, I would wait to go to the bathroom until it was a total emergency and I was nearly pissing myself. I wanted to spend as little time as possible on the toilet. I would jump up as soon as I was done, fearful of something biting my ass.
My little sister took a more drastic approach. She began peeing in plastic cups. But she wouldn’t dump them down the drain. I am not sure why. Was she saving them for later? Was she afraid of all drains and not just the one in the toilet?
She would pee in these cups and leave them all over the bathroom counters. It was obnoxious and disgusting. I hated having to smell her pee everytime I went into the bathroom because she couldn’t pee like a normal person. Like me.
One day I came up with an evil idea. I don’t even know where this idea came from. I used to think I was the good one, until I started this blog. And remembered this story.
I called my little sister into the bathroom. I told her the secret to how our older sister had grown so tall and beautiful. My older sister was the most attractive tall person either of us knew in real life. I told my sister; she drank her own pee.
I don’t know how I convinced her of this. I guess because she was a little gullible and because she very much trusted me.
She took one of her plastic cups of urine. She put it to her lips. And took a gulp. You might know where this is going. That exact moment was when my mother walked into the room.
My mother walked in on me gleefully watching my little sister take a huge swig of her own urine. I like to believe as soon as the initial bitter taste of it hit the back of her throat it engaged her gag reflex. This caused her to sputter and spray her mouthful of urine out in a lovely spray all over herself, and me, and the bathroom mirror. And? My mother.
She was like one of those fountains with the peeing cherubs. Except it was actually urine in this case. And it was coming out of her mouth. And it was getting all over us. Like when you see kids running through those fountains that shoot up out of the ground and you are super jealous even though you know that’s how you get bacterial infections and hepatitis and all but god damn it is hot out and the water looks AMAZING.
I think my mother grounded me until I was 30, so I technically am not allowed out with you guys for another six months. But; my sister drank her own pee. So: Worth it!